WAW Said She's Done-pt.4- What Happened?

[AnotherStander]

Most conversations, even casual ones, She looks and speaks at me like I am the enemy. Its a horrible feeling, that Im sure many of you are aware, and it Su#ks. Im still not drinking, or dipping, and I maintain a PMA, have much more patients and am still doing 180's.

Good job on sticking with your 180's! It's very typical to get zero feedback from the WAS on your 180's, but that doesn't mean she doesn't notice. She does, but she won't acknowledge them. Regarding the "enemy" comment, yes many of us can sympathize. The more codependent you were in the marriage (IE, the more you sought affirmation from your W) then the more it hurts to suddenly be treated like garbage from the same person that propped you up for so long. You've got to find your self-esteem WITHIN yourself and learn to love and respect yourself with NO affirmation from others. Once you get there you will see your W's behavior for what it is- HER issues and problems. Read No More Mister Nice Guy, it's very helpful in getting over codependency.

This is not her, and I cant figure it out. I need to stop trying because I can see how it could consume me if I let it. Im still snooping the phone records, but have slowed down. I know for my own sanity and in order to detach I must STOP.

YES to both.

Anyhow he wants to get a P.I. to follow and take pics of the 2 of them and use it in mediation if she doesn't agree to 50/50 custody of the kids. Im not sure how I feel about this, but have agreed so far.

That seems like an uphill battle. You've got to prove that she is seeing OM, that she will be exposing him to the kids, and that he's a potential negative influence on the kids. Not sure how to do that unless he has an arrest record.

Does anyone else ever feel like this this whole DB'ing is wrong.

Of course, we say all the time that it's counterintuitive. Your heart is telling you to beg, plead, negotiate, pursue, shower her with gifts and affection. THOSE THINGS DO NOT WORK!!!! We THINK it's right because it always worked in the past to patch things up, but dealing with a WAS is a completely different matter than dealing with a hurt/ angry/ upset spouse that's still in love. WAS's have completely and totally shut down all feelings towards the LBS. There's nothing there. Any pursuit just makes the LBS look pathetic and desperate to the WAS. Imagine some woman you can barely tolerate suddenly buying you gifts, texting you that she is thinking about you, telling you she loves you all the time, constantly offering to do things for you. You'd probably want to throw up. THAT is how the WAS feels about those actions on the part of the LBS. You have to retrain your brain!

[AnotherStander]

You guys I really dont think I can hold out any longer. I feel that I have to confront her about the affair.

Ask yourself what your overall goal is (to save the M?) Then ask yourself "is what I am about to say/ do moving closer to that goal or farther away?" Not just for the above, but for EVERYTHING.

Now, please describe what you hope to accomplish by confronting her, and why you think confronting her will give you that result.

[nit84]

I was going to post something similar to AS. So I will just say I totally agree with AS.

[tough spot]

I still think you need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. If it is a deal breaker, then she has to stop or leave the house. That way she feels the brunt of the consequences of her actions.

Or, you stay quiet, knowing it is a deal breaker, in order to build your case for the law.

Or, you stay quiet, because you think everyone makes mistakes and this is just a big one your wife is making. However, you love her and are willing to forgive her.

If you don't feel that it is a mistake on her part and you aren't willing to forgive her, then you are not saying anything because of fear. Fear that your standing up for yourself/morals/feelings will drive your wife further away. If that happens, you are doing something for the wrong reasons and are being a doormat.

Make the decision. The agony you feel is in great part due to your indecision.

[sandi2]

Does anyone else ever feel like this this whole DB'ing is wrong. (I understand the part of working on myself, but everything does not feel right)

I feel like I should be talking, texting and calling her more to show Im interested. I wonder at times if she is thinking, well he seems okay with getting a D, I guess I made the right choice. Hes not pursuing, chasing, flirting or even trying to get me back. He's just out doing his own thing and getting a life.

It just doesn't feel like I'm fighting for her. I am alone here?

It doesn't feel right when you are opperating out of your feelings. (Check my signature line.)

Your idea of "fighting for her" is pursuing........and trust me, it does not work on a WAW in an A!

Now you feel that you just have to confront her. What do expect will be her reaction? Tears? An apology? Repentance? Promises? Even in the couple of stories where I've read of this happening.......the WAW never stuck to whatever she said when confronted. The more common response from the WAW is telling her H what he doesn't want to hear.

Do you have a plan that goes beyond confrontation?

I am not saying you should or shouldn't approach her, but it takes much, much more than just confronting her. You better have a well thought out plan. And don't give her ultimatums. That will almost guarantee you a bad outcome.

If she were to agree to end the A, have you read about how it should end? If she says she doesn't want to end the M, do you know what you to require from her .....and what both of you need to do to get through them next rough weeks/months as she grieves over the A? There needs to be certain conditions a WAS agrees to, if a reconciliation is successful. Some men just want to hear she'll end the A, and he thinks everything will be okay. It won't. The hard stuff comes after she agrees to never contact OM again.

As one example, if she agrees to end the A but tells you she has not interest in putting effort into working on the MR. What would the next step be? B/c piecing comes after both are ready to roll up their sleeves and get to wok.

[Bunches]

I gotta agree with the others. I've had my doubts about DB'ing but the pursuing I did for the first month before reading DR and joining the site went terrible. Everything I did turned on me and while if felt right...it wasn't.

And a confrontation can't go well. What would you imagine her saying? I can only see her being defensive or guilty feeling....guilt might sound right but just causes WAW to push away more that I have seen.

[sandi2]

I am not up to date on your stitch, and I am not saying a LBH should not address issues. But you need to go in with your eyes wide open, b/c if you don't know what you're doing, you can make matters worse. That's probably hard to imagine right now, but it's true.

DBing is not rolling over and playing dead. It is fighting for your M, but you learn to do what works. When you have a W who is done with the M and she has brought a third party into the R, you can't fight for her like you did when you were single and you were in competition and the best man won. She is different now. Her attitudes and feelings for you and the M have changed.

In other words, she wants to feel free. The more you cramp her style (so to speak) by pressuring her, the faster you are pushing her toward the door.

[OneDay]

Is everyone familiar with "The Walkaway Wife Syndrome" section in MWD's, DR book? This is exactly my stitch, 100% to a tee.
here's a short section "He's thrilled! She's off his back. She must be happy again, or so he thinks and he proceeds with business as usual. Business as usual, that is, until "D Day". That's the day she turns to him and says, "I want a divorce," to which her absolutely devastated husband replies, " I had no idea you were unhappy! Why didn't you tell me?" With that response, the marital coffin is nailed shut."

And let me tell you, at this moment it is NAILD SHUT. She is DONE DONE DONE. I really dont think any amount of DBing, 180's or anything is going to make her change her mind.

That seems like an uphill battle. You've got to prove that she is seeing OM, that she will be exposing him to the kids, and that he's a potential negative influence on the kids. Not sure how to do that unless he has an arrest record.

To the best of my knowledge (and snooping) WAW and 24yr old OM started chatting the 2nd of Feb 2014. A quick internet search found OM name, booking photo and criminal record. (he was the first hit on google) He been arrested 2 times, once in Aug of 13 for DUI, and another in Nov for burglary, Resisting arrest, and Marijuana. So a real winner.

Ask yourself what your overall goal is (to save the M?) Then ask yourself "is what I am about to say/ do moving closer to that goal or farther away?" Not just for the above, but for EVERYTHING.

Now, please describe what you hope to accomplish by confronting her, and why you think confronting her will give you that result.

Yes "MY GOAL" would be to save this marriage. But I dont think WAW is even close to considering R.

I want her to know, that I know. I want her to know that I feel what she doing is WRONG. Its disrespectful to me and neglectful to the children. I want her to feel GUILTY about what she is doing so hopefully she will stop, or move out. I feel if she moves out I can work on detaching more. I personally cant imagine holding out for months while she is with OM for the "possibility" of her wanting to R.

I still think you need to decide if this is a deal breaker or not. If it is a deal breaker, then she has to stop or leave the house. That way she feels the brunt of the consequences of her actions.
Or, you stay quiet, knowing it is a deal breaker, in order to build your case for the law.
Or, you stay quiet, because you think everyone makes mistakes and this is just a big one your wife is making. However, you love her and are willing to forgive her.

Right now its not a deal breaker, but if it continues it would be. All I want is 50/50 custody of my boys. I love my boys and want to be a great dad to them. Finally Yes, I feel she is making a HUGE mistake and yes I still Love her and would forgive her. But I still feel something needs to be said.

Okay. I have one for you guys.
Lets say a Spouse has not asked for D and the marriage seems to be going well. Then you find out your spouse is having an affair. Do you sit there quietly and not say anything? OR Do you say something out of love, in hope's the 2 of you "might" be able to work through this together.

Sandi2- Im going to think about your replies and get back with you soon. Thanks

[melissag]

OK, I say this not to be mean, but to help you understand why you have to work on YOU, and stop thinking about your W, what she thinks, etc.

I want her to know, that I know. I want her to know that I feel what she doing is WRONG.

She doesn't care what you feel. And you telling her she is wrong will do the exact opposite of what you want it to do - it will only make her more convinced she is right, and that you are a jerk.

Its disrespectful to me and neglectful to the children.

Yes, but she has a story in her head that makes it OK. And nothing you say will change that story.

[quoteI want her to feel GUILTY about what she is doing so hopefully she will stop.[/quote]

You can't control what she thinks, or manipulate her into stopping.

. . . or move out. I feel if she moves out I can work on detaching more.

Do you actually want her to move out right now? Have you really thought about this, or is this just your emotions talking right now?

Okay. I have one for you guys. Lets say a Spouse has not asked for D and the marriage seems to be going well. Then you find out your spouse is having an affair. Do you sit there quietly and not say anything? OR Do you say something out of love, in hope's the 2 of you "might" be able to work through this together.

But this isn't your sitch. As others have already pointed out, once BD occurs, it's a whole different ballgame.

[nit84]

Very well put Melissag.