Just remember, your H is one of those sneaky lawyers. Be careful what you say or agree to in emails...even if you are joking or being facetious. He can, and WILL, use those against you!
I need some sort of surgery or something to make me not want to be nice to my H. How about a virtual, thru the computer SMACK up side your head? B/C if that's what you need, HERE!!!
I feel bad for him. It really [censored] that he is going to have to sever a lucrative client relationship. OMG...Speechless...wth? Who cares?? (BTW, I'm YELLING that.) Who said he HAD to? Oh, him...
b/c HE is still NOT all fulfilled and everything, even though the big fat depressing marriage is over, HE IS STILL NOT HAPPY ENOUGH???
Gee Melissa, maybe YOU should give up whatever you and the kids deserve, own or should own, so maybe, just maybe, your h can be at peace.... for 3 weeks or so, before he wants some more of whatever he "gave you"...
I tell myself that I shouldn't feel bad - after all, this is his choice. Keep telling yourself this^^ b/c it's actually TRUE.
And, he doesn't give a crap about screwing over my future, so why should I care about him? (Well, I just do. I guess I can't be like him and not care about the past 17 years we have shared.) AND, I am pretty sure he will do just fine either way - it's not like he is struggling financially. BINGO^^^^
I still feel kind of bad, though. I will get over it.
Good, b/c he sure will get over it too. If you "Still feel bad", either see an IC who helps you ignore that or face the fact that you still want him to "like" you. That has to pass. I think he'll respect you more in the long run, (very long run) but I don't think that should factor AT ALL in your decisions. Read "Co Dep No more" again...
And I definitely will not allow that to get in the way of the business side of things. really? Well, okay then. Remember that you said this^^^ and stick to it. And stay on message.
YOU are doing what YOU believe is fair and FOR the kids. HE does not have the same vision of fairness or what is best for the kids and actually, you both pretty much should agree to that^^. That's why you hired advocate for you, NOT a peacemaker.
Thanks, Wonka, for the suggested response. We have TKD tonight so I will probably wait until after that, even, to respond. I don't need him scowling at me all through TKD. We have testing today too, so I can't be distracted by that.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Thanks, guys! I am not sure there is any answer that won't piss off my H, but I think I will probably borrow Wonka's ideas. My C thinks that I will get to a place eventually where I can understand H enough, and be detached enough, that we can have a successful co-parenting R, but I am pretty far from that at the moment. I think I am making some headway in believing and understanding that H has issues that limit him emotionally, and they are nothing I caused, nor can I fix them. I wish that he would do that work on himself, but wishing is a waste of my time.
I saw my new lawyer today and I feel so much better! He answered all of my questions and it sounds like he's got some great experience behind him. He is very level headed and I don't think he will bring a bunch of drama like the old one would.
As long as the new L is WILLING to go to trial, and HAS in the past. B/C that's what your h fears and needs to fear...yes Melissa, your h has to fear something or he will have all the leverage, esp since you keep giving him your power
I'm still not sure why my H is so insistent on not using Ls. seriously? b/c HE knows he will pay MORE (to YOU) if you have a L. Period. I mean, this^^ part is not hard to comprehend. Your h is acting selfish so what "secret" reason do you suspect he has, for wanting you to mediate?
It would probably cost more in fees to negotiate and then us each bring it back to our Ls for review, than it will to just all sit down (me, H, two Ls) and work things out. umm, okay....that^^ is what you think will happen here? Only if HIS L says so...otherwise he'll fight you tooth and nail. HE thinks HE deserves whatever HE wants b/c HE was unhappy...get it? HE was not happy!!! Him, Him, HIM!
My H seems to think that we are going to sit down over coffee and bang out an agreement in an hour. Ummm. No. Maybe if we rented an apartment and had no kids or assets.
He definitely lives in a fantasyland, and I know he is going to be mad that I changed attorneys, and that I am going to make him get me all the financial info (and do our 2013 taxes) before I sit down with him . . . because he always gets mad when I knock him off his unicorn.
Saying you are your best to be fair BUT you lack all the info he has, is true. And that's on HIM so he can provide that info to you and THEN maybe everyone can have hot dogs at the grill...or whatever other fantasy he creates so that there are zero repercussions on him.
I'm doing family therapy with my youngest D now...turns out she thinks h "ignored her" for 2 years. This was 6 years ago.
Don't tell me that your kids won't notice or be hurt. And do not let a bite of food fall out of their mouths to feed your h.
Sorry if I'm projecting b/c I have a pretty happy "ending" (Whatever that means). But my kids WERE hurt and so are yours.
YOU can help them heal (My d's not suicidal) but don't "steal from them", which is what your h actually would be okay with as long as it's never HIS fault...
"they're resilient"! That is the mantra of WASs...
it's only partly true. But next time you begin to waver b/c you want your h to "like" you, remember who else pays for that...(i.e. the kids).
Good luck, and I hope I helped you see this another way. Also, truly, giving up fairness in money terms, will NOT make your h feel that you are less at fault.
Remember that^^^.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Brian, I had to laugh at your post. My H and I are both lawyers; he is so not a sneaky lawyer, it's almost kind of sad what a dumb ass he is. If he had been smart he would have pre-planned for divorce. He obviously had no clue what the reality of it is - like I said, he lives in a fantasyland. I think that he was just so focused on finding other women to like him that he didn't even consider this stuff.
But no, I won't give him any ammo.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Bookmark 25yearsmlc's last two posts and read them several times a day until you actually FEEL what she is saying. She is dead on accurate.
Once you get to that place, everything (decisions, life, your R with your H) will be much, much clearer.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
25, I have been running around all day and no chance to respond, but don't want you to think I am ignoring your posts.
Quickly, I will say that while I don't completely FEEL the way I want to (PM, you are right, I will check back and re read often!), I will not let that affect anything I do with respect to the terms of this D.
My H's mother got her CS order when H's Dad wasn't making much money (or was hiding it), and, despite the fact that he went on to become rather wealthy, she NEVER went back to get a modification, because her own selfish pride stood in the way. My H and his brother wore holey jeans (before they were trendy LOL) and had their hair cut with a bowl on their heads. They had to work on a farm all summer as early as 9 years old. I will never put my kids' needs second to my emotions in that way.
The action I am taking will not be based on any kind of emotion. I am merely coming here to admit that hey, I feel kind of bad about it. But that doesn't mean I won't do it.
I am sure that at some point (especially if H continues with his self-serving BS and hateful emails), I won't feel in the least bit bad, and I know that my emotions of the moment won't last, but whatever agreement we come to will affect me and the kids for a long, long time.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
Today was a pretty good day. I drove on my D9's field trip this morning, then had a long lunch with two girlfriends, where my H and my sitch wasn't even mentioned. (I am not sure whether one of them even knows about the sitch, actually.)
We had TKD this afternoon and I passed all my tests, whew! I really am in a place where I would just prefer not to see my H at all. Thankfully, we were not paired up today - the foot of height difference helps when we pair off by size. I don't even want to look at him, let alone talk to him. But, there's not much I can do about it, other than be grateful that at least he only goes two of the three days a week.
I had my women's self empowerment group tonight - it's kind of for women in transition. It's kind of hard to describe, but it's a lot of focus on self discovery and community. One of the things we talked about tonight was how important it is to make sure that your internal values match your external world. So, we did an exercise to figure out what our values are - for the next 6-9 months. It was really interesting and I feel like I have more direction now that I know what is important to me, and therefore what I need to be focusing on.
I kind of figured something out today.
There are a lot of grieving processes to go through. Not just the loss of my M. The loss of what I hoped my M would be. The loss of the future I had planned. The loss of an intact family. The loss of my friendship with my H. All of that stuff. And then, the loss of the belief of who my H is. Recognizing that, without my H addressing his issues, our M was destined to fail. Recognizing that, as we have been discussing, I have to treat my H in a way I never wanted to, because it's the only way to respond to the way he is treating me. And, one of the hardest, admitting that truly, he is probably doing me a favor. (Ouch. That one is rough.)
Just so many different things to mourn, and so many emotions to cycle through.
For example, you'd think that if I realized that my H has some issues that really made it impossible for our M to work, that would set me free. But no . . . it makes me feel guilty for thinking that way. And sad that it's true. And selfish because I wonder if maybe I am just blaming it on him. Angry that it is what it is. And so on.
Does anyone else feel guilty about detaching from his/her H or W? I'm not sure if detaching is the right word. I mean, do you feel guilty thinking that maybe you would be better off without him or her? I'm thinking maybe it's because I feel so strongly about commitment and trust and loyalty.
Anyway, I am yammering now. Just some thoughts swirling in my head.
I need to respond to H's email, but I really don't want to. I have kind of enjoyed a full day of not getting any nasty emails.
When I do, I'll use Wonka's words, verbatim.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
BTW, today it was sunny and 65 - gorgeous day! When I came out of my meeting tonight, there was 3-4 inches of heavy wet snow covering my car. And, how cool is this - we had thunder snow!
I love it.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
I am not sure there is any answer that won't piss off my H, but I think I will probably borrow Wonka's ideas. My C thinks that I will get to a place eventually where I can understand H enough, and be detached enough, that we can have a successful co-parenting R, but I am pretty far from that at the moment. I think I am making some headway in believing and understanding that H has issues that limit him emotionally, and they are nothing I caused, nor can I fix them. I wish that he would do that work on himself, but wishing is a waste of my time.