I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Thanks man, I agree! LOL.

Today has been challenging. She comes home after work tonight I am guessing. Trying to stay busy today. I don't know why it is harder today. Maybe because I have been thinking about how I can behave differently. What would look like. What I would say, and what I would say if she asks why I am acting differently. She may not ask. For all I know, she may like that we aren't talking. I feel like what was talked about here earlier, is a fine line to walk. I am trying to place what that will look like in action. I know there will be time here where we both will be home. I think I will just go to the bedroom and read, if she is in the living room watching tv. I don't know.

I hate that I keep thinking about here. She makes me so mad today. All that she is doing and has done. Sandi2, you said to get out of the house, I am trying. It is hard being here. Because as I go around doing chores, and really anything, I am reminded. Pretty much every room in our house has wedding photos or vacation photos. I mean I was cleaning our room, and found old love notes. Which is fine, but it just keeps it on the surface. I've thought about taking them down, but, I cant yet. I guess, I don't have the heart to.

I feel like I am living in a false reality. Pretending that what has happened and is happening, is not real. I mean, sometimes I just want to tell her to get out. you cant stay here anymore. tell her to file for divorce. I mean what are you waiting for? Enough. I guess because I want to feel empowered. I want to not feel up and down all the time. Other times, and more often, I fell like I am holding onto this shard of hope. Hope that she will see the error in her ways. That she will see what she is leaving behind and realize its a mistake. I know it is a mistake, she is just so delusional right now. I don't know if she will ever wake up.

So I think I get it, I mean I cant control what she does, feels or thinks. I CAN control what I do. I feel like it is becoming a routine to try and remember to bring myself back to this. that I do have some control, control over me. And sometimes I do feel empowered. My work has actually been great for that. I have taken on some extra projects at work. I feel focused on work when I am there, instead of thinking about home.

I was saying before, she has been my main friend for a long time. So much of my life has been about her. So like today, I would usually do my chores and then she would come home. We might do something together, id make dinner for us, and we might watch a movie. That was the routine for so long. So stepping out of this routine is hard. But I am going to head out today soon. Do have a few things lined up for the day. Working out this am, did help relive some of the pent up frustration.

Venting here as I said before has been great. Sometimes just typing what I want to say. Or what challenges I feel I am facing. Getting your insights and advise. After reading DR and DB I still feel like I am narrowing it down to where I am now. I do come from a therapy background, meaning I have been through a fair amount of it in my life. I still BS myself sometimes, and I appreciate when I've been called out on it here too.

I think I struggle with the application of the techniques I've read. I get caught up when I am eye to eye with her. Or once she is in my head, suppressing that. I will be trying a little more avoidance. Like going to another room, when I can. Even though I cant see the goal line, I am trying to keep faith. Taking deep breathes. Two phrases have helped me a lot.

One is: What's the worst thing that can happen? and could I handle that or get through that? So far the answer has been yes, this has helped calm the anxiety of the what if's.

The second is the serenity prayer.

Patience and being in the present, the right now.