melissa - standing up for me

[25yearsmlc]

Thanks, guys! I am not sure there is any answer that won't piss off my H, but I think I will probably borrow Wonka's ideas. My C thinks that I will get to a place eventually where I can understand H enough, and be detached enough, that we can have a successful co-parenting R, but I am pretty far from that at the moment. I think I am making some headway in believing and understanding that H has issues that limit him emotionally, and they are nothing I caused, nor can I fix them. I wish that he would do that work on himself, but wishing is a waste of my time.

I saw my new lawyer today and I feel so much better! He answered all of my questions and it sounds like he's got some great experience behind him. He is very level headed and I don't think he will bring a bunch of drama like the old one would.

As long as the new L is WILLING to go to trial, and HAS in the past. B/C that's what your h fears and needs to fear...yes Melissa, your h has to fear something or he will have all the leverage, esp since you keep giving him your power

I'm still not sure why my H is so insistent on not using Ls.

seriously? b/c HE knows he will pay MORE (to YOU) if you have a L. Period. I mean, this^^ part is not hard to comprehend. Your h is acting selfish so what "secret" reason do you suspect he has, for wanting you to mediate?

It would probably cost more in fees to negotiate and then us each bring it back to our Ls for review, than it will to just all sit down (me, H, two Ls) and work things out.

umm, okay....that^^ is what you think will happen here? Only if HIS L says so...otherwise he'll fight you tooth and nail. HE thinks HE deserves whatever HE wants b/c HE was unhappy...get it? HE was not happy!!! Him, Him, HIM!

My H seems to think that we are going to sit down over coffee and bang out an agreement in an hour. Ummm. No. Maybe if we rented an apartment and had no kids or assets.

He definitely lives in a fantasyland, and I know he is going to be mad that I changed attorneys, and that I am going to make him get me all the financial info (and do our 2013 taxes) before I sit down with him . . . because he always gets mad when I knock him off his unicorn.

Saying you are your best to be fair BUT you lack all the info he has, is true. And that's on HIM so he can provide that info to you and THEN maybe everyone can have hot dogs at the grill...or whatever other fantasy he creates so that there are zero repercussions on him.

I'm doing family therapy with my youngest D now...turns out she thinks h "ignored her" for 2 years. This was 6 years ago.

Don't tell me that your kids won't notice or be hurt. And do not let a bite of food fall out of their mouths to feed your h.

Sorry if I'm projecting b/c I have a pretty happy "ending" (Whatever that means). But my kids WERE hurt and so are yours.

YOU can help them heal (My d's not suicidal) but don't "steal from them", which is what your h actually would be okay with as long as it's never HIS fault...

"they're resilient"! That is the mantra of WASs...

it's only partly true. But next time you begin to waver b/c you want your h to "like" you, remember who else pays for that...(i.e. the kids).

Good luck, and I hope I helped you see this another way.

Also, truly, giving up fairness in money terms, will NOT make your h feel that you are less at fault.

Remember that^^^.