Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

I feel better that I didn't get a flood of "Don't do it! You'll make a terrible mistake!" posts At some point it just is what it is. And we could certainly still get back together if I move out, just will take more outreach on his part.

Journaling a little bit about "baby steps" that I will celebrate internally just to be hopeful, but trying to keep expectations out of it:
-H is more curious about where I've been and what I'm doing. I helped a friend move this week and he asked how long it took, what her apt. was like, etc. That was actually really tough because friend had to move after getting a D and needing to sell her house. Friend's H cheated on her, racked up 5 digit debt on credit cards buying gifts and plane tickets for his OW (she lives in France), promised to change and go to counseling but continued to contact OW when things got bad (so, opposite of my H - my H SAYS he wants out but isn't acting, her H said he wanted in but wouldn't act!) Friend eventually said enough is enough, but it was so painful to watch her move all of her stuff into this tiny apartment. It was like the ghost of Jacob Marley coming to show me the ghost of post-D future. Ugh. Unlike Scrooge I can't go give a turkey to someone to make it go away.
-H has started telling me when he's going somewhere (and even sometimes where!) and for approximately how long.
-H will now let me know if there's a show on TV he's watching that I might like to watch or remind me to come watch shows we used to watch together
-H will show me funny pictures/FB posts that he thinks I would like, going out of his way to find me in the house to show me
-H will now initiate small talk (one of my very first goals I made after reading DR!)
-H brought up the radio show I mentioned earlier about relationships and I did NOT respond with any form of "Can't you see I'm doing all those things?!"
-H has not brought up D or S-related talk in a month (also one of my first goals I made)

It's a balmy 30-some degrees here and the snow is melting... something about that triggered a memory of something H said a few days after BD. He said "if we were to get back together, you'd always bring up how I ruined Christmas and your birthday and I don't want to deal with that forever". So the "if we were" makes me a little hopeful.. but that second piece really has me thinking. This is how our interactions generally go:
*H does something that I tell him makes me sad, angry, feel neglected, etc.*
H: "I'm sorry you feel that way but.." or "I'm sorry, I won't do it again."
Me: "OK" *but in my head thinking - you aren't REALLY sorry. If you were really sorry you'd make it up to me, or do something big to make me happy*
A few months later...
H: "I'm going to go do X thing" (and during X thing was when negative event happened in the past)
Me: "OK.. but you need to make sure that you don't do what you did last time you did X thing/don't repeat that past mistake/etc."
H: "I know, OK? I'm not going to. Can't you just be happy for me that I got invited to do X thing?"
a few years later...
H: "I'm going to go do X thing again"
Me: "OK, you remember the rules about that, right?" *cause in my head I'm thinking he's still never been sorry about that thing and never made it up to me*
H: "That was 3 years ago! I can't believe you still can't let that go"
I really need to figure this out. Because often I do truly feel H isn't sorry when he does the "I'm sorry but". For example, "I'm sorry that you were angry I went to the strip club for my bachelor party. But I think it's a normal thing for guys to do". So he doesn't actually regret his actions. And then every time he is in a situation that could involve strip clubs (other bachelor parties, going to Las Vegas, etc.) I just dwell on that. Even though part of me knows he's not going to do that again because he knows how upset I was...and maybe I AM being too uptight about that boundary (controlling again!).. I get caught up on the " but he doesn't genuinely regret it for himself so he'll just do it anyway and try not to let me find out!". Then these things become self-fulfilling prophecies. Ugh. So bottom line - yes, he did ruin Christmas and my birthday by dropping the bomb the week before. But there are many more Christmases and birthdays to be had if we do get back together. And I can't expect something extravagant to make up for it.. I need to look for what HIS demonstrations of apology/sorry are. I don't know if there's a way I can show that I can let these things go right now, aside from not bringing them up.