Wife wants divorce - my first post

[tbm4evr]

Yeah ...just signed up to coach basketball ...totally out of my comfort zone ...it's hard but I'm doing it! Thanks MrB for "talking" to me.

[MrBond]

No problem.

The thing is that your W needs to see you in a different light. Have you done anything to yourself to give yourself a physical makeover? You have to adapt the same positive/alpha attitude you did when you first dated her.

[tbm4evr]

Yesterday W had appt with therapist and then went to the birthday gathering for her "friend" (guys wife that she had PA with 3 years ago) because she feels she can't drop her as a friend because she will wonder why - I see know benefit to tell her "friend" what went on as 3 years have passed and I also told W I had forgiven her.

W got home just after 8 pm and I immediately left because I had made plans with a buddy to meet him at 730. I got home just before 11. Kitchen a mess, empty bottle of wine on the table and wife passed out on the couch with TV blaring. I left everything as is...didn't clean anything up or turn off lights/TV but went straight to bed.

This morning, we had light conversation on who was picking up kids, items we still need to pick up for vacation, etc. W made no mention of her therapist appt or the birthday party ...just reminded me of her work dinner appt this evening from 6 to 8 ...but then said "I'm planning to go out after with (her friend that she has been covering for that has had the ongoing affair for 3+years)". I just said ok ...I hate how her 3 best friends consist of two divorced women and this one having the affair.

So that was it ...i did not complain to her about anything or pry about her therapist appt, etc. I am curious about what she is up to tonight ..if she's being honest or out with OM she is having EA with but know it doesn't make a difference as she is in control of her actions and anything I say will just push her away further. Appreciate anyone's thoughts?

[HopefulStill]

Tbm,

At some point you will have to move to the LRT. Hearing about your Ws first affair, and that you stayed together, I'd suggest looking at going LRT sooner than if there was no first A. Your W has all of the control right now- you know it, she knows it. Pulling the trigger on LRT puts you back in the drivers seat to a degree. No contact whatsoever, give her something to miss. The OM in her life are dirtbags. I suspect that once they have your wife full-time they will not be able to meet her needs like you did. She will begin to see them as the trash that they are and you will start looking like the better choice that you are. Her female friends will stop looking like "fun" girls and start looking like desperate women who are looking for what she had- a good husband.

Is it a risk? Sure, but what you are doing right now is a risk as well. What percent of posters here have recovered their marriages? I know a few off the top of my head, but they are the minority. It's a crapshoot, so you must go with your head and play the best odds. One thing is for sure; only a W willing to work with you to make drastic changes in your M is going to work in the long run. That's what you need.

In the meantime, you need to work vigorously on your 180s. Becoming a man that you can look in the mirror and be proud of is it's own reward. I know for sure that if my wife left tomorrow that I would be just fine. I would meet someone else and make them very happy. That's not at all what I want- I'm happy with my M- but it feels good just having that confidence. I wish it for you as well.

Just something to chew on, I'm sure you will get very different opinions as well from some very respected members. Ultimately I don't want you to feel trapped by any one course, you have more control than you feel that you do.

Hs

[tbm4evr]

Thanks Hs. I know for sure that if my wife left that I would be just fine too. I would meet someone else and make them very happy but that's not at all what I want either.

My W tells me she wants to go out with her friend tonight after her dinner meeting. I was going to go take care of some things tonight but said ok - should I have "stood up" and said no I need do some things, and I'll be home by 1030 if she wants to go out then. I have been very accommodating to her schedule ...does that make me look weak with no b@lls?

[tbm4evr]

Thought this through and think I will leave things be ...if W wants to go out afterwards I'm not going to say no. I'll give her space. We both see the same therapist. I have not made another appt - do you think I should go see him to see where he goes with my counseling following my wife's meeting with him - trying to gage if wife open to making it work or just tried to validate her position that divorce is the answer. I'm pretty sure at this point it's the latter. Does the W always tell you if they want to make R work or sometimes not mention it and see where things go? I don't want to bring up her counseling appt, I'm sure if she had something to share she would just tell me.

[MrBond]

You didn't answer my question earlier.

[tbm4evr]

What question was that physical make over? Well I work out, am well groomed, where nice clothes, etc ...i suppose I could buy some new clothes and cologne ...or LRT? I guess I could use LRT after returning from our vacation ...but going dark worries me a bit ...don't you think it may come across as me giving up on our R or do you really think it may turn W attitude around? What are the better odds ...

[HopefulStill]

Well, your friends here can only give advice based on what they read, so it's tough to really know.

I say be a great husband and father on your vacation. Let her see what she'd be giving up, them LRT. No contact. If she wants to discuss kids, then go through an intermediary. Enforce your boundaries. She should know that you want your M, but that what you have isn't what you want, and you can't live like that. If she misses what she had, perhaps she'll return. What she's doing now is deciding if the OM can fill your shoes and if he can, then she's gone. In the meantime, you continue to look unattractive to her, so being there may only push her further away.

Perhaps it's time to force a decision.....

[tbm4evr]

What decision might that be? She filed ...6 months waiting period so earliest divorce would be final is August. She won't move out and neither will I ...so looks like we're stuck here together whether trying work on the R or not ...of course I'm going to try to have her come around.