Limbo is the new normal

[slow_it_down]

Interesting morning so I thought I'd hop on quick to share.

In previous separations my prayers have always been for my H to come back home. I did a lot of begging and pleading to God to bring him back. This time around I have a greater sense of acceptance that we may really be on course for divorce, and while I have no intention of dating/remarrying after the paperwork goes through, I still legitimately care about my H and his wellbeing. So, this time around my prayers have simply been for my H to move past the pain in his life. For the conflict at work, the conflicts he's creating around custody, the conflicts in his anger toward me to all just dissipate so he can just relax and get back to enjoying his life.

Today he called to say he's pursuing training for a career he's always talked about but never considered. In 2 years he could be free and clear of the 70-90 hour work weeks that drag him down right now. He only called me because he needed some information to complete the paperwork, but he sounded really excited on the phone and it sounds like the perfect opportunity for him right now. I know my prayers aren't solely responsible for this positive shift in his career path, but it was really rewarding to be able to just be happy for him even when it didn't mean we were any closer to being the happy married couple I always wanted.

On an unrelated note, I also drew a very firm line in the sand regarding this potential court situation for custody. He's using his moms money so he has no reason to hold back on pushing this through as much legal legwork as he possibly can. I on the other hand have 3 kids to feed and think its pretty sucky of him to force me to pay $3k to $7k to hash out a reasonable visitation plan through the court system when we could easily be writing this up on our own. I'm a huge pushover and let him come and go as he pleases so its really ridiculous to make it sound like the only way he can get what he wants is to only talk to me in court where the going rate of an attorney is $200/hour+.

At any rate, I told him that while I agree that now is a good time for divorce, I want him to know that while I've been pretty lenient in the past with him coming back after separations, there is no way I'd consider reconciling if he had a change of heart in the future if he takes me to court and makes me spend $3k or more on this. I just can't justify taking that much money out of what I need to take care of my 3 kids only to accept him lovingly back. My heart may not be totally over him, but I just can't keep letting him make such reckless financial decisions that leave me reeling for years. I've never been good at setting and maintaining boundaries, but there it is and I intend to keep it. (Wish me luck, I don't have a track record of being tough when he expresses interest in working things out).