I wore it last night, but I don't know when I will again. Part of the issue is I don't feel anything. It is an inanimate object that used to mean something, but it doesn't anymore. I don't like it. And yes I could just wear it and disregard it, and wear it for him. But, I have done so much "just for him," to the point I wonder what I've lost in there in "where do I matter." Where do my feeling matter?
He is much further along in this part of the journey than I am. I am the one trying to catch up. I know all he cares about is how I feel and wanting to make that right. And maybe I'm just trying to hold on to the one last thing that shows I'm not healed yet. This isn't fully resolved and laid to rest.
There are promises that came with the ring that have been broken and have not fully healed or resolved. We are nearing six months since the beginning of reconnecting, and there is still a lot he can't bring himself to talk about. To me that feels like secrets and hiding and lies. To him it is embarrassment, guilt, and utter shock at himself. My guess is he doesn't know if he can survive facing what he has done. He doesn't fear my inability to forgive him and love him. It's all internal. And so much of it he still can't remember.
There is a whirlwind of things he is talking about. I feel extremely close to him. There is a whirlwind of things i am talking to him about. But there is a lingering there. A lingering of what I know, that he can bring himself to talk about yet. And I feel like it's this wedge that is driving itself between us. Time doesn't make it easier. It makes it harder. And I feel like it was the same thing that killed us a year and a half ago. It was the secrets, the lies, the hiding, the inability to open up and put it all on the table. As someone so incredibly sweet once said, "I don't care who he put his dick in." None of that matters to me. It is the secret that brings me so much anxiety.
He still has OW as friends on FB. And that hurts. And yes he would remove them in a heartbeat if he had any clue how much that affects me, but I don't want that. I want that to come from him.
I shouldn't have to change what assigned emotions I have to the ring. It is what it is.
M38,H39 M:16Y BD:8/12 OWDB:11/12 S:11/12-5/13 "Temp" home:6/13 OW dropped:9/13 "I love you":12/13 H ring on:2/14 Depression back:5/15 "I'm done:" 7/15 H moved out: 3/16 H moved back: 12/16 Working on us: 3/17
Raine, I have been reading along and always look for your updates. I don’t really know what kind of advice I can give you, since I haven’t gone through similar experience. All I know is that when I think about possible reconciliation with my H, I also have the same kind of thoughts about hiding things and not trusting. This has been our issue in our M.
You mentioned that there is so much that he still doesn’t remember. Could it be one of the issues for him not talking about things? Do the certain memories come back for him eventually?
I have this quote that I have handy all the time and read often “To restore harmony into a relationship, focus on what you appreciate about the other person, and not your complaints. When you focus on the wonderful things and you appreciate those, you will be astounded at how many more things to appreciate suddenly appear in the other person.” I hope this helps a little.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Raine, There will be quite a few things that he won't remember because they happened in the fog. He's not sidestepping the issues in some cases. It takes time for them to process being home and feeling comfortable I their own skin again. Once they actually return home, it takes approximately 12-18 months before they are truly comfortable. During that time, some of them may skirt around issues and others will begin to open up and talk about things. But, there will be some memories that remain forgotten, not deliberately swept under the bed.
I realize you want to discuss things now...but the process took time pre crisis and the process of returning takes just as much time to land and feel safe once again. If you become over anxious or push for answers, he will run back up into his rabbit hole.
Please be patient. The answers will come.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
