You are in a tough spot between these two women. You will not be able to please both of them. Just won't happen! A trait first born children have is pleasing their parents. Can you see some problems if the parent-child relationship was not healthy? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with your mother, but if she tends to be possessive......then I can see from the eyes of your W.
I married a mamma's boy, and it caused problems in our R until the day my MIL died. My H felt torn between me and his mother. I wanted him to stand up on his own two feet and quit letting her boss our family. But that was my story. I just wondered how many times your W has mentioned your mom in the past. Has it been an issue?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Perhaps I see love in a skewed way but the love I have chosen to give (ie to a spouse) is stronger for me than the love I was born with (parent/sibling). The only exception to this rule is my kids.
I obviously love my mum whole heartedly, but it's more protective I think. She doesn't control my R or M in any way, but does meddle and judge. She is, however, a huge part of my sisters M and supports her and her H, almost lives at the house, looks after both kids everyday, does all the chores....
I love my mum, but I can see her for what she is - an emotionally immature doormat.
My wife is very different. 6' tall blonde, company director. Strong willed, brash, outspoken - hot! She generally likes my mum but has nothing in common and struggles to chat for long and feels awkward.
She often feels like I would drop everything for my family but not for her.
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
The W is working v hard at the minute and traveling over a thousand miles a week for work.
Was thinking of sending a nice hand tied bouquet of flowers to her office in London tomorrow (the potential OM works here too). Do I do it? Or is that chasing? I know it goes against sandis rule 8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.), but she is actively asking me to woo her. What do I do?
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
It was great actually. I 180'd as I would normally b*tch about being left with the kids, and that the OM is there.
I kept it shut, helped load the car, made breakfast and she has instigated 90% of today's contact.
Behind the scenes I am a shaking wreck but I'm slowly beginning to understand detachment and forcing myself away from the needy and insecure man I have been for too long.
I didn't do valentines and she was v. upset by it. I thought that this would be a a nice way to remind her that we are thinking of her and proud of her for the work she is doing.
Recruit
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
So if I am reading your posts correctly, you had a mother who seemed to be used to coddling you and a dad who resented you. Currently, mom would still coddle you (based on her relationship in your sisters life) because more than likely that is how she finds fulfillment in her life. She is also hating your wife at the moment because you wife is doing to you as your dad did to her. Hopefully that shines some light on why DB'ing is so important regardless of the outcome.
So you and dad had a rough relationship? That is the type of stuff IC is all about. You hopefully realize that you need to face the reality of that past to move forwards in the future? It sounds like he would have seriously messed with your self-esteem and confidence as a kid....and these things have a way of popping up later in life.
Now all that said.....You wife sounds like a powerful strong woman. I would bet very heavily the marriage she envisions is nothing like something you can relate to, but that isn't a bad thing. As Sandi said before, I am actually impressed she has stayed as long as she did.
So tell us more about the bouncer guy...they guy before depression took over. Is that the guy you want to become once again?
As for the flowers...in light of her response to V-day, I would say go for it. As we often say....each marriage is it's own beast, so there is no hard set rules for all of them.
No, I don't want to be bouncer guy again. But I do want to pick parts of his personality (and leave some well behind). I was very confident, extremely physically fit. I was a leader. But pretty antisocial and a womanizer.
Before I met my W I would sleep around a lot - I have only bee felt worthy by being wanted by someone else, and this did the trick. It's still the case now, as the intimacy between my W and I dwindles so does my confidence and I feel less and less worthy of her love.
God, I'm gonna make some IC practitioner rich!
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
