Frankly I am getting depressed with this whole situation. Sprint/Marathon, still [censored]. Now I am even starting to doubt our relationship. Probably some resentment there for the WAW. It is like I keep trying different things and nothing works and it seems to be getting harder to keep trying.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Tough, I really empathize with you. My wife asked for a divorce almost 2 yrs ago and she's still here and emphatically still does not want to work things out. I'm not good enough to be a husband and lover but i'm good enough to be a full provider.
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
Frankly I am getting depressed with this whole situation. Sprint/Marathon, still [censored]. Now I am even starting to doubt our relationship. Probably some resentment there for the WAW. It is like I keep trying different things and nothing works and it seems to be getting harder to keep trying.
Hey TS,
It's not all about trying different things; it's about consistency! Yes, you are implementing changes; we all do. I am sure we all took a hard look in the mirror and most likely didn't like what we saw, or, realized the things that weren't working not only in the M, but in ourselves.
Couple of things I will share that I have read, either here or elsewhere and that others have already stated:
1) Changes are for YOU and what you want! Yes, some of these will be directly related to improving your relationship dynamic, but make sure they are true changes and not just out of desperation to get her back!
2) Consistency - whatever changes YOU make must be consistent. Keep following through. Trying different 180's is one thing; not all will be as effective. But the changes must stick with consistency and this is where the "marathon" comes in. It's going to take weeks / months for her to start seeing these as permanent.
3) Have no doubts that she "reinforced" and fortified her wall that is up. God forbid the LBS actually makes those changes that are beneficial and may actually touch her heart / feelings in some way! Can't have that....at least not yet until she has time to see you are truly sincere.
4) Resentment - You bet it is there along with some anger no doubt! You may not see it yet and she may not talk about it. I know mine has it. Even though we are in MC/IC, she is still holding onto the past but has not let anything out yet. Takes them a while to be safe enough to talk about.
Keep your head up bro! as many have said, STFU about R talks, asking "what's wrong" etc. Get you GAL on! Focus on the kids! Be the best man and father you can be. Be the one she would be a fool to leave. It's a long road and it's hard as hell; hang in there and detach, but love from a distance!
On a side note; you said you bought a guitar. That's great! I play myself; have for years! I encourage you to dive into it and let your creative self out. This has been my best source for just "forgetting" everything and getting "lost" in the music. I can play for hours!
Azagtoth
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
Tough, I really empathize with you. My wife asked for a divorce almost 2 yrs ago and she's still here and emphatically still does not want to work things out. I'm not good enough to be a husband and lover but i'm good enough to be a full provider.
I struggled with this thought as well. I spent over 21.5 years on a military career; pushing towards the ultimate goal of retirement, all the benefits, combined with a second career to really give my family a comfortable life. Now here I am; I succeeded in those goals only to have it threatened with the WAW actions. I am basically supporting a "roommate" with no reciprocation of a wife! It crappy; it makes you hurt and angry and feel like an ATM machine!
I just remind myself of the vows I made to her and I truly believe in them. I promised "for better or for worse". This is "worse" and time to buckle down and be consistent rather than show resentment!
Azagtoth
Me: 44 X WAW/MLC: 42 Kids: S21, D11 BD: July 2013 (ILYBNILWY) EAx2: Busted 1 OCT 2013; 25 Mar 2014 Status: Divorcing & Done! Waiting to be final (Nov 2014?) & glad it's finally over!
Now that was an interesting conversation my WAS and I just had. She brought up our living situation....paying down debt prior to divorce and living together the meanwhile.
I had suggested legal separation as it would be better for taxes, insurance etc, the a legal D somewhere down the road when one of us wanted to get married. She is going to look into it to see if it resolves our custodial issue as well. Perhaps all without the expense of a lawyer.
I asked her again about there being an other person and she said that is 'literally the last thing on her agenda in this situation'. I threw out the question that she would have no problem if I started dating tomorrow. She replied that that was none of her business and not in her realm of control, therefore I can do whatever I want.
Sure does sound like she is in that spot where there is no saving this marriage. Not even an ounce of irritation at considering me to start dating. This seems so hopeless perhaps it is time to move on.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
I asked her again about there being an other person and she said that is 'literally the last thing on her agenda in this situation.
bro. Mine said those exact same words too. And at that time there was not. But move ahead 2 months and she seems head over heels for this 24 year old dirt bag. Constantly on her phone.
I wouldn't put it past her if the opportunity presented it self. Now If I were u I would not start looking for anyone.
Did u ask her that question to get a reaction out of her or do u really want to date?
Also stop talking about the D, separation etc. Why r u bringing these things up? It was her decision for D so let her do all the leg work. Don't help or make suggestions if you don't agree with the D ( which I know u don't).
Your lucky. She hasn't even filled yet. You have so much time. Quit worrying about her and what she could be doing. We have to detach from our WAW. It's a must. Since were in a similar stitch. Let's work at detaching and GAL, then reporting back our progress.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
I had asked that question about dating based on a conversation with my IC. My life feels like it is 'on hold'....that i am just waiting to see what my WAW does. The IC said if I was to start dating I sure as shi*t better make it clear to my wife first.
So I don't think it was to get a reaction out of her...it just came up in the conversation. If things were 'officially over' and I felt there was no hope, that actually might be an option. I don't think I am there quite yet. The longer it goes with no change I can see me getting closer to a situation like that.
And while the D is her decision to begin with, we are still in this together. If I can avoid paying for a lawyer and she can as well, I would put that as a win/win situation. Perhaps I should have kept that to myself, IDK. Since I don't bring up the topic of conversation, it makes it kind of hard to be prepared for what to talk about and what not to talk about!
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Another awkward day of living with my wife. Small chit chat, kids go to bed, she goes to the bedroom, I stay in the living room until I feel like going to sleep.
Always tense it seems these days. Even though we talk less (chit chat) and rarely if ever speak of R (only if she initiates). I am so mired in what is and can't seem to come up with anymore 180's. I am doing the 180's for me, the long term ones, but have tried some shorter lived ones and not gotten a response.
Perhaps short term is a description for a lack of consistency. Ok, that's it. Here on out, LRT. So far I have only been able to do that for about 4 days. I was mistaking detaching with going dark and getting confused I think.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
