WAW Said She's Done-pt.4- What Happened?

[OneDay]

Part 3 here.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2425557#Post2425557

Part 4 - What Happened? WAW is a completely different person is what happened.

Well WAW and I are still living together and the D is still going with no sign of stopping or R. Mediation is the next step. We dont talk about the D or R what so ever. Actually WAW and I dont speak much, and if we do, its about kids, dogs, or bills. Most conversations, even casual ones, She looks and speaks at me like I am the enemy. Its a horrible feeling, that Im sure many of you are aware, and it Su#ks. Im still not drinking, or dipping, and I maintain a PMA, have much more patients and am still doing 180's.

She is still talking and more than likely seeing Dirt bag OM. Again, her focus went from "Im trying to be the best mom I can for these boys" To putting the majority of her focus on the OM.(it makes me sick) This is not her, and I cant figure it out. I need to stop trying because I can see how it could consume me if I let it. Im still snooping the phone records, but have slowed down. I know for my own sanity and in order to detach I must STOP.

Also I spoke with my Attorney about WAW and the OM. He was not very please with her behavior and pulling all nighters and seeing OM with his criminal record. Not good for her character. You see, She is trying to get majority custody of the children, for no apparent reason other than child support. I've asked her a few times why, and the answer is always different, but comes back to "Its just the way I personally feel" Anyhow he wants to get a P.I. to follow and take pics of the 2 of them and use it in mediation if she doesn't agree to 50/50 custody of the kids. Im not sure how I feel about this, but have agreed so far. Either way it just feels like WAR.

The person that you see now is a WAS, this person is not your W that you loved and M.
She may look and sound like your W but believe me when I tell this is not your W anymore.

This is 120% True, True, True. Exactly how I view my WAW.

[OneDay]

Lies lies lies is all that's been coming out of WAW mouth the last few days

She is in the room right next to me. Our S10s room talking to OM. I just can't believe it. Does she think I'm stupid or does she just not care. Guys I don't think I'm going to be able to hold out knowing what I know. This is getting to b too much. And she's asking if I can watch the boys certain nights which I'm sure to go out with him. WTF

[LFC1170]

I weep for everyone who is in a similar situation. You don't deserve this mental anguish brother.

[OneDay]

Does anyone else ever feel like this this whole DB'ing is wrong. (I understand the part of working on myself, but everything does not feel right)

I feel like I should be talking, texting and calling her more to show Im interested. I wonder at times if she is thinking, well he seems okay with getting a D, I guess I made the right choice. Hes not pursuing, chasing, flirting or even trying to get me back. He's just out doing his own thing and getting a life.

It just doesn't feel like I'm fighting for her. I am alone here?

[KGirl]

OneDay, I asked that same question essentially not too long ago - that I have a fear that if I con't to do this, H will think "see, I knew she didn't care, so I'm definitely not going to come back now - she's not even trying to win me over" and it will backfire. I got several responses that were helpful to think about on pages 2-3 of my thread - hopefully this link works!:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2431628&page=2

You know your W better than I do. What I can tell you from when I was pursuing, chasing, etc. at the beginning was that it made my H VERY upset because he felt like I wasn't "respecting his decision". His words. When I started listening, not trying to fix things or make promises of what I would change, etc., he then said he "felt better" because I was respecting his decision. I think him "feeling better" is moving closer to my goal, not away from it! Being friendly but not a friend was one way I saw it described on it here and that helps put me in the mindset of being positive and nice but not pushing it TOO far.

[LFC1170]

I am definitely struggling with the same question. By relieving all the pressure on her and giving her what she wants, she can decide to just eat cake till whenever. Then I would think at what point is all this futile? When do I need to cut loose and start over? I tell you one thing it's going to be hard to find someone else, if nothing gets resolved, while you still live with your wife or ex. A real romance killer!

[KGirl]

Let's explore a different framework to show that DBing is not just some outlandish idea! There's a counseling approach called "motivational interviewing" that is based on tailoring your approach to what stage of change a person is in. WAS's are in the "precontemplation" stage - they have no interest in making changes or seeing hope in the future, they don't see their behavior as problematic, they're resistant, and/or they're argumentative. All of the literature states that trying to convince a person in precontemplation that change is important and good (or in our cases, that they should want to stay married to us and not D) will just make them more resistant and defensive. There is very little that can happen until someone moves to the "contemplation" stage - actually thinking about making changes (in our cases, actually thinking about working with us on what lead to D to improve things). The strategies that are suggested when someone is in precontemplation include practicing empathy/active listening/reflection and maintaining a positive relationship with the person - NOT to provide advice, judge, or push for change/action.

Sounds familiar, right? Same basic ideas in DBing! You cannot fix something that someone doesn't want fixed at that time, and trying to do so usually makes them more defensive and resistant to change. And motivational interviewing is a proven, often-used counseling approach.

I imagine you said something at the beginning of all this to the effect of not wanting a D, right? So she knows it's not what you want, and if she was wondering what's changed, she could always ask you (and if she wanted to change the status quo, then she is certainly capable of asking!)

[OneDay]

KGirl, Thank you thats just what I needed. Yes told her a few times that I didnt want a D and she said I can hear that and see that from you. She probably still can. IDK

You guys I really dont think I can hold out any longer. I feel that I have to confront her about the affair.

She texts him constantly and has been talking to him every night since saturday night. (the night I think they went out together) She goes to her room (which use to be S10's) and called the OM. Yes the door is closed and she was talking softly, but I couldn't believe it and I still cant. I feel violated, betrayed and disrespected in my own home. Every part of me feels I have to confront her....

....Now on the other hand, the legal side. My attorney doesn't want me to say anything to her and said we should hire a Private Investigator. Reason being, is because she is trying to portray me an unfit parent and get majority custody of the boys. Its obvious since she BD, that she is the unfit parent. She has been going out getting drunk, staying out all night, coming home at 2, 3, 4am etc. And now with the OM she is really sneaky, staying out late during the week, and weekends and putting all her focus on him.

She has become very sneaky and is bold facing lying to me, the children and her side of the family. Im so lost, and I dont know what to do. Its killing me to know what I know and not confront her about it.

I dont know how much longer I can hold up. For my sanity and my boys sake.

GUYS I NEED YOUR HELP! Should I confront her.

[LFC1170]

I think, as hard as it is, follow the legal advice and protect yourself should it get real ugly

[OneDay]

I think, as hard as it is, follow the legal advice and protect yourself should it get real ugly

Yea, but he said not say anything to her, and to just act as if everything is normal.

Every part of me Is saying "You have to confront her"

I HATE EVERY PART OF THIS, IT JUST KEEPS GETTING WORSE AND WORSE AND WORSE. (and at this moment, I would still "TRY" and R with WAW if she was willing, but its obvious she's not.)

WHEN WILL IT END.