I won't give up II

[kml]

P.S. getting divorced does not mean he won't ever come back - he very well might. But for right now, your job is to look after YOUR financial future.

[BrightFuture]

NLT, your H’s behavior doesn’t stop to surprise me. I just don’t get it. Does he seriously think that he can have you and OW at the same time? It seems to me that what he is trying to do. As long as you were going along with his double life he was fine. Once you “threatened” this with your non-disclosure of OW’s H showing up, he decided to threaten you too by bringing the separation process. But, he is not going to do now, or in the next few days, or in the few weeks. WTH? I think this is his way to keep you on the hook and make himself look like a fare, thoughtful guy. And, yes, he wants to make sure that you know he still in control.

He kind of realizes that this situation is not normal, and this why he trying to pretend that he is doing all the right things, like talking about separation. I don’t think he is ready to do it. At the same time he apologizes for not recognizing anniversary and Valentine’s day. So, he still considers you his W. And then he is talking to you about OW and her H like you are all good friends. This is just so bizarre to me that I really I cannot wrap my head about it besides what I already said.

I think you did good. I’m curious to see how “slow” he will proceed. My bet is he will not do it at all for some time, or not ever. So, my advice to you is to be prepared for this, but don’t think about it at all in your everyday life. Let him be and deal with OW’s crazy business.

By the way, my H told me something similar last April, when he brought up the D subject. He wanted me to think about it and he wanted us to do the paperwork together. I said I would, but in the next visit I told him to go ahead and file and send me the paper work, so I could pass it on to my attorney. He was very surprised and asked me if I already had an attorney. I said no, but I interviewed a few. So, I didn’t hear about the D subject since then.

[Notlikingthis]

kml,

I do have an attorney. I sent an email to him on Friday knowing that it was only a matter of time that he filed for D or S. I will call him on Tuesday if I don't hear from him. I do have quite a few questions for him.

I watch the accounts, checking them 2 or 3 times daily. The only one that I can't see is his 401K. Nothing is unusual and he is still "saving money" as he claims. But then, that is today, tomorrow he could take it all and put it somewhere that I can't track it. I make copies of everything on a daily basis. I have copies of everything starting from a few weeks prior to him buying the other house. They are kept in a place that he doesn't have access to. I will turn them over to my attorney when I meet with him.

That's a good question. I'm not sure why a separation. Possibly that it doesn't seem as final in his mushy mind. I will ask my attorney to be certain but I read something in our state law that says that after a separation is filed there is a period of 6 months before it can be changed to a D.

I have no concern what is right for him. I am only concerned with myself. When it comes to protecting our/my money it instinctively becomes a business transaction. I want to be sure that every last nickel that is legally mine is accounted for and deposited in my accounts. It's not so much for me but exactly as you stated. I won't let the ow get one nickel of MY and our children's share of the money and as an afterthought for his sake as well.

I think as he finds out what this involves he will slow down a little. He doesn't like anyone knowing about or getting close to the money and he will have to disclose everything if he proceeds with a separation.

Negotiating is something I have a fair amount of experience with so I think, with my attorneys help, I will be okay.

Thanks for reminding me about keeping my emotions in check. At this point they aren't for his well being but anger. I don't want to come across as cold and heartless either.

[Notlikingthis]

Bright,
I don't get his behavior either. He does seem to think that he can have us both until he is ready to decide which one of us will suit him best! LOL Seriously, I don't understand it. To be so open about his affair must give him some kind of relief from his guilt. It almost like he's saying, "I'm being honest with you so why weren't you honest with me". It doesn't make sense but not much of what most of them say or do makes sense. He's just taken "bizarre" to another level! Bea suggested a that he may have a personality disorder and I tend to agree with her.

We were friends, not good friends but friends with ow and her h before this all happened. This makes it even more difficult to deal with. I hope that you're right that he is feeling threatened that he is losing control of me. He is getting a taste of what it will be like without me and I don't think he likes it very much. Like you with your h, I don't pursue him. I let him do almost all of the contact and have distanced myself from his and the ow's drama. I do hope that one day he can tell me what he was thinking when he did all of this.

I also hope that he is like your h and lets this go and never brings it up again. For you it's been almost a year so your h may have realized that D wasn't the answer to HIS problems.

Thanks for posting and keeping up with my situation. I need all of the support that you and others have to offer right now.

[Notlikingthis]

Hi all, I spoke with my attorney this morning and found that what kml stated above is how a separation is handled in my state. All financials have to be disclosed. What I read about 6 months of separation before a D can be filed is also correct.

My h had sent me a text early this morning about seeing our daughter on the way to work today. She had given him a late Valentine's present and his text was to thank me. I didn't respond to it but was going to send him a short email this afternoon telling him that he was welcome and that it was her idea and I had just helped her make the purchase. Before I had a chance to send it he called this to see why I hadn't responded. I told him that I that I was going to respond but hadn't had a chance.

He then told me that he had an meeting with an attorney today and filled out some of the paperwork. I let him tell me what he needed to and then asked him to explain what the paperwork involved, what the process was etc. He made it sound as if it was just a piece of paper that said we weren't living together any longer! HA! I asked him if it involved separating accts., etc and he said NO. That there was nothing in the paperwork that asked for that info. He was more focused on the question that they asked about our disabled daughter and whether we were supporting 51% or more of her living expenses. Either he is clueless as to what he is signing or he is hiding info from me. He told me that once the paperwork was finished that HE would be delivering it to me and not a processor. After he finished saying what he needed to say I asked him why he was doing this if it didn't involved any division of assets. He said it's "just something I need to do". I don't believe that for a minute. But if for some reason it is and thinks this will relieve his guilt, he's in for a rude awakening. I told him that if it ends up involving disclosure and dividing of assets that we should talk about this a little more. He agreed and then changed the subject.

I talked to my attorney again after that and he said that it does require that assets be disclosed and not to sign any paperwork that he brings to me but to forward it to him. We had a bit of a discussion about my h's state of mind and his behavior, confusion and physical changes. He said that he has seen many men in their 60's that go through a period of being manic depressive and that it's not as uncommon as you think. He warned me to contact him right away if I see anything unusual with the finances. There is some sort of court order that he can file so that he can't start taking or transferring funds as he pleases.

I'm a little shaky right now and think I'm near having a panic attack. I have to go lay down for a bit and breathe!

[kml]

Could it be that he needs the separation paperwork in order to buy a new place with OW? (He's having problems with his current house, correct?).

What do you think would happen if you pulled an aikido move and just told him "H, I think I'll go ahead and file for divorce so I can be free to date myself." ?

[BrightFuture]

NLT, sorry to hear that he brought up the subject again. Breath, you are going to be fine. I have a suspicion that this decision came after OW’s H’s visit. I think your H realized that he’s been living in a kind of peculiar situation, with somebody else’s W, while still legally married to you. Maybe this is his way to make it look more respectable, I don’t know. He is still nuts though.

We can speculate all day about his motives, and they might be different from what we think anyway. The only thing here is that he is kind of wishy washy about the whole thing. Protect yourself financially and wait for the answer about his motives. He will reveal them sooner or later.

[Notlikingthis]

kml, That is a strong possibility. According to h, the title insurance company has stepped up and 0ffered to resolve the issues but that he might still sell the house. My attorney assured as he told me last year before he bought the house that because he used jointly held fund to purchase the house that it is still half mine. Unless he takes the house that he lives in and I take my house in an asset division then he won't be able to take the money from that house and run with it. I will ask my attorney if I can stop him from selling it until all of this is settled.

As to telling I want a D so that I can freely date? I could be misjudging him but he would more than likely say YES and then say that it was my idea to D.

I remembered a few more things that he said in the conversation from this afternoon. One was the guilt that he felt while talking to our daughter this morning knowing what he was doing. I asked him how he felt about telling her what he is doing. His voice got shaky and he said that it's probably best not to say anything to her or anyone. ??? A few minutes later while talking about the S, he is nervously chuckling. I wanted to ask him what was so funny about what he was doing or at least tell him that I didn't find what he was saying cause for laughter, He seems to be getting younger and younger in his behavior or he's totally losing his mind. Ahhh, if I could only find grounds for committing him to a mental hospital.

[Notlikingthis]

Bright, Thanks for your thoughts. He IS still nuts but is feeling guilt as well. He knows what this is going to do to our younger daughter and he doesn't want to think about that either.

You are right. The ow's h coming to visit was what gave him the excuse to go ahead and do what he's wanted to do for awhile now. I can hear him now when he explains to his attorney or someone that knows us. "I filled for separation because my wife didn't tell me that my girlfriends husband was coming to visit." Never mind that his statement isn't completely true.

I will continue to watch the finances and try not to obsess about this.

[ForeverYoung]

Hi NLT! I'm sorry to hear of the recent developements in your sitch.

I will continue to watch the finances and try not to obsess about this.

You know, that's really the best you can do, NLT. Stay in close touch with your L.

Do whatever you need to do to remain strong. You will get through this and persevere.

Do not file or threaten to file D unless D is what YOU want. It's not a valid tactic unless you are done.