I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Not at all Sandi2, I understand what your saying. I mean I don't want to be her friend. I was trying to be positive about things and seem happy. I guess I was behaving as I would with a friend. Saying things that I find funny or exciting that are happening with me. Listening and paying attention when she talked about things like her work.

I will stop leaving reply notes. I think the notes could be a number of things. I mean we have left notes for each other since day one. They used to be love notes, but also said what we were doing for the day. Wishing the other to have a great day and such. This was what they became more when we went on opposite schedules. Now, I have written them back I think because it was a routine. They should stop though. The reason I have not stopped them has been that it lets me know if I need to check on the dogs on my lunch break, or if she will be there to do that. Even as I say this I see I am planning around her. Also the notes still have had things like, "have a great day" so I know they need to stop. I will work on detaching more, being careful not to go to far in the other direction. I will read up on that more as well.

Its funny because when we first got together, I was going out every night. She would come to, but then did not want to anymore. She wanted to stay in, and so I cut back on going out. I then got the OUI, and I stopped going out altogether. I slowly stopped hanging out with friends. Became centered on coming home to spend time with her. It was a real mistake in our R. Now, I am looking around, and see I don't have those friendships. Now that is good in a way because they were my restaurant friends. It was all about drinking, hooking up, partying. I am just not into it now. But now I am pretty lonely, my partner is not here. So that has to change.

I did check out a dating site, but that felt weird. I also contacted an ex, and had some nice talks with her. It made me feel better. I think my ego has been pretty damaged in all this. So while it did help, and she was very supportive.

However, now I am home alone again. I don't have a lot of interest in going out to hang out with friends at night. This is the hardest time as well, the nights. I think that will take some work. I am going to try and hang out with some coworkers during the day. Maybe all bring our dogs to the park, something like that.

I am a summer guy. I need the sun. Winters up here are long, and so I do tend to be a homebody this time of year. I came her because of my family. I have stayed for them, and that reason is still here. Otherwise, I would have probably left. I would not say depressed, but I am less motivated. I just don't care for 20 below zero for extended periods.

Maybe a plan would be good. I mean I do have some projects both around here and for work, that I am lining up. So making a schedule would probably be good. I like structure and that would help with that. I will work on that as well. I need to keep bringing myself back to this moment. Not thinking about anything else around me. Just focusing on what I need/want right this moment. Taking some time, here and there to just do nothing at all. Just sit. And look at what I am feeling right now. Then doing something. Which has helped some.

I am alone tonight. I am making some food, probably going to do some reading here. I have the next 2 days off, and so maybe plan those out so that I am not here. She is coming home tomorrow, at least she says. So, I will work on that as well.

I posted this tonight, when I felt tempted to snoop. So far it has prevented that urge, and the urge has faded. It just kind of comes on strong, like I need to snoop. But if I can do something else for a few minutes, that need, fades. One day at a time.