How should I deal with the requests to earn her back? I get the feeling that she jut wants me around to cook and clean and take care of the kids so she can go and do her own thing.... Matching this against me being selfish for wanting to workout or see friends is making me wonder.
We have just eaten dinner, and she spoke to me about our R (I just listened). She said that what he wants at the minute is a perfect father for our kids and an attentive husband, who is secure enough not to worry where she is or who she is with. She also then said that although she wants me to sleep in our be together, she can't ever imagine wanting sex with me again.
She has taken complete charge of the R and is treating you like a hired hand. She wants to keep you as cook and bottle washer. She wants you to be the best possible father for her children......b/c she wants to be able to do her own thing and not worry about things at home, or feel any guilt over the kids. If she has their "wonderful" father caring for them, then it releases her from parental responsibilities.
What jumps out to me in what you've said, is she has not made any commitments to the M. She is telling you what you have to do to "earn" her back. And for good measure, she tells you she can't imagine ever having sex with you again. That is the biggest red flag of all.
For her, the M is over. She is done being your W. It doesn't "bother" her to sleep in the same bed.......but you better not touch her or expect any sex.......ever! You see, some women can share a bed with a man for many years and it doesn't give her any desire to have sex with him. She is telling you it's over.
I think when you start making improvements in your looks, and start venturing out to get a life, she will not be happy about it. There use to be an old saying that came from some men. They said they would keep the wife barefooted and pregnant. It was their way to keep her in the home raising his children, and barefooted showed her dependency on him. Obviously, that was before women's liberation! In a sense, your W is trying to keep you in that dependent state to keep you in the home...... attending her needs (minus the sexual stuff). The traditional roles in your M have been reversed. You are the pregnant W who is barefooted and has to stay home. You are the built-in babysitter, cook, and housekeeper.
When she sees you losing weight and making new friends, she sees it as a threat. Even though she detests the man you 've become....there is that selfish part of her (the WAW in an A) who wants to keep you a prisoner in the home. Not for her pleasure, but to fill the shoes of parent & housekeeper.. Do you see what I'm saying? It is like turning back the clock and seeing how it use to be when a W was totally dependent on the H. You have even taken on the emotions of a desperate woman. You are crying, begging, clinging, etc. those are the same emotions of a helpless female.
Men and women are wired differently. Man sees his role as being the provider and protector of his family. That includes his wife. He provide for her and protects her. Many, many men throw so much of their time into their jobs b/c they believe that is how he takes good care of his family. There seems to be a lot of confusion these days over the roles in a relationship and the home. The danger I see when the man is a stay at home parent is it pushes her into the position of provider & protector. It puts him in a place of dependency on her. Now, even if it was a mutual agreement that he stays home with the kids while she goes to work.....many couples are faced with that emotional conflict b/c there seems to be something that feels unnatural for the female to be the primary provider and protector of the male. She can do it for her children with no problem, but it doesn't include the H. That's where the rub comes in. That is the big difference between the two, and it may go all the way back to the beginning of time. Just b/c women cry out for equal rights with men, doesn't mean they are made up like men. Some things we just can't change.
Let me inject this to be clear. If there is a physical problem that prevents a man from working, a lot of women can convert to that role without major problems. But if the man is home b/c he is without a job (agreed or not), IMHO, it will be a matter of time until the woman will begin to feel a certain level of disrespect toward him as a man. He may be a terrific father to the kids, and she may appreciate that part. But, it is not her nature to be his protector & provider. It will begin to show up in various ways. Like, she starts finding fault with his housekeeping, etc. Her libido drops. She loses attraction for him b/c somewhere deep down, she has lost respect for him as a man.
I advise you to work even harder at reclaiming your role as the man and leader of your family. Stop telling her what you are trying to do! It only goes against you. It is like showing the opposing team your plan. She is not going to work "with" you to save the M. She is throwing a few crumbs just to keep your hope alive. Telling you she will end the A, but can't stop seeing him, and he's her friend, blah.....blah....blah. Look, she is the wayward spouse here! She is talking about you earning her back? See how she has turned it around to put all the blame on you? She is not repentant of her A. She feels justified!
You get a personal plan of action by deciding what is best for you as a man. You set goals that will get your self-confidence in gear. Take back your independence. Getting your drivers license is a must!
You don't discuss your plan of action with your W. You can't tell her how you are working to improve yourself. She doesn't even want to hear it. You just give her more ammunition. Besides, You are not asking for her permission. Get it? You have to enter this plan knowing you will not have her support. But once she begins seeing the man she fell in love with....then she will start to feel a little respect, but in the mean time, she will fight you all the way. You can't reason with a WAW.
You can come here to discuss our plan of action. You can get your support here. You can vent your frustrations here.
It is going to be your biggest battle to step into independent shoes. But you must!
What are you doing to overcome your addiction to video games, etc.? What are you doing about other self-defeating behaviors?
You can find a lot of self help on the Internet. It's not as good as face,to face counseling, but better than nothing. I have heard a book suggested a lot on here. It's called Co-dependency No More (I think). Check it out. Also, read about self-defeating behavior.
So, keep your focus on your plan/goals.........not her. Every time you put your focus on her, you will get more confused?
Did I answer your question?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi it's like you live in our house! You have hit the nail on the head.
When our S3 was born he didn't want to stay at home and literally did all she could to force me to give up my very successful job and be a stay at home dad from the time he was 12 weeks
After less than 24 hours in our new roles she wanted to swap back, however I had burnt too many bridges to return. To be honest I was overjoyed at being able to bond with my son and take a rest from an extremely stressful career.
I went back to work 8 months later until August 2011 with the same firm following a change of management, but was made redundant. I set up my own consultancy and it was going great until the black dog reared its head again.
She really has taken the reigns and been a great provider. I have done the household stuff, all the kid stuff, and still made several thousand a month in retained work.
She certainly has been wearing the trousers.
I need to find my c*ck and b*lls and be the man in my house again. Work, fitness and confidence will do this for me. I will be seeing an IC and will fix the sex side as best I can.
I'm gonna have to pay so it will need to wait until I'm working.
I need to sort my head out and think this is a good start.
The antidepressants are kicking in and I generally feel happier, and more able to string thoughts along. Motivation is better, but not as good as it needs to be.
I don't play computer games - not my bag. I hid behind fake hobbies and interests instead of looking at myself and fixing my problems. This has changed. I am becoming a man of action.
I need some new friends next. Can anyone recommend a good way of meeting people?
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
I have been trying to be more detached and 180 on things that would usually cause friction.
I have been semi successful and seen an upturn in W attitude and behaviour. We spent most of yesterday working together, and it went mostly well.
However this morning she did comment that it would be months until she felt able o be comfortable with me following how I have been for all this time, and then said that she doubts we will make it until that happens.
She then left to go to London for work for a few days. I won't call or text (I normally do a whole lot). When we are in contact I will be positive and friendly.
I am having a rest day following being up all night with a poorly baby, and hoping to work out this afternoon and meet a friend tomorrow.
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
I am sorry that you find yourself here, but think it may be useful. I can recommend a book about cognitive behavioral therapy (for dummies) - I found it much better than meds and knowing some of the stuff in it may save you some money at the IC.
Luke
M58, xW54 S22, D18 M 1984, D 2016 Living a new life.
So my mum and sister were visiting today, and my mum was going to help me with the kids tonight.
The W found out and want happy. She went from having a great chat (she called me and was really paying an interest) to cold indifference when she hears about the visit.
She thinks that they won't help my depression and actually blames them for most of it (mum, dad and upbringing). She was furious that I wasn't trying to over come my problems alone and stand on my own two feet.
Not sure how to handle this turn of events...?
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
This may be some of the more difficult 180"s for you in all reality. At some point you really have to look in the mirror and question how you got where you were. New clothes, working out, and an improved attitude are all great 180's.....But there are some that are not as easy. So the wife's statement about your family being the cause/enablers of your depression may be way off base....or she might have hit the nail right on the head.
So my question to you....Does you family enable your depression? Do they mean well, but are keeping you from learning how to deal with it? Why are they offering to help now?
Remember that while a lot of what comes out of a WAW's mouth is rubbish.....There is a good chance a small portion is spot on.
So what is your take on your relationship with your parents?
To be honest Lost, she is pretty spot on which stings a little.
They are total enablers.
My mum and dad got married following a one night stand which ended up in pregnancy (me), and I always got the brunt of my dads resentment - anger, threats and violence until I was too big and threatened to give him some of his own medicine. For some reason I have alway saught his validation and tried to please him - to no avail.
They stayed together 30 years, my dad a WAH and my mum a downtrodden shadow of what she could have been, until he finally had an affair and they separated.
He is now the happiest man alive, and she for some reason can't understand what went wrong.
So you could say that I haven't had the best relationship role models....
I haven't told my dad about any of this. My mum has already marked my W as the big bad b*tch and attached all blame for the R and my illness at her feet, despite my very strong protestations.
My wife is correct. They are likely to blame for at least some of my emotional issues, enable (and actively encourage!) me to continue living the same way and can offer no practical help at all apart from a roof should I need one.
Me 41, W 39 Married 5 years Together 10 years S4, D2
