You do see that the two of you are in a horrendous vicious cycle of hurting each other, right?
I feel sympathy for you, because I can't imagine what it must feel like to be constantly rejected that way. I also feel sympathy for her, because there was clearly a reason she felt she needed to reject you in that way. Do you know what it is? Did your W not feel emotionally safe in your R? #s 1 and 2 above are HUGE. My H almost always invalidated my feelings . . . it went a long way toward my feeling emotionally unsafe and withholding sex.
Have you done any 180s on the things you listed? Are there other things your W or you have identified as things you could stand to change about yourself?
What do you mean when you say you don't know how long you can tolerate this? If you decided you weren't going to tolerate it anymore, what would you do differently?
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
You do see that the two of you are in a horrendous vicious cycle of hurting each other, right?
Absolutely! After reading DR and M/V I realized everything we did wrong and how we hurt each other equally. My hurt was outwardly and hers was inwardly.
I also feel sympathy for her, because there was clearly a reason she felt she needed to reject you in that way. Do you know what it is? Did your W not feel emotionally safe in your R? #s 1 and 2 above are HUGE.
I ALSO feel sympathy for her. This must be a difficult time for her. Yes! I did a lot of things that I thought would be constructive but ended up being hurtful to my goal of being closer to her. I didn't validate her feelings. When we argued it was always one way. She never came back at me. She just held it inside. This had to contribute to her not being safe emotionally or safe enough to bring up her concerns. I totally understand this.
Have you done any 180s on the things you listed? Are there other things your W or you have identified as things you could stand to change about yourself?
Yes! I totally changed the way I listen to her. I validate her feelings more. I don't listen with a critical ear. When she's frustrated I would love to be able to give her a hug or touch her cheek but I don't think it would be appreciated at this time. My wife at this point has taken a whatever attitude in terms of what she thinks I need to do to change. She is not actively doing anything from the books. It is all on me to make the changes.
What do you mean when you say you don't know how long you can tolerate this? If you decided you weren't going to tolerate it anymore, what would you do differently?
I don't know. I'm too emotionally attached to the whole situation and if she does indeed intend to move out, I couldn't heal until there was physical separation. So I would probably remove myself from the situation but I don't have anywhere to go, no finances to do it and wouldn't want to DEVASTATE our son if I don't HAVE to.
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
Woke up early in the morning. Couldn't sleep and watched soccer. W and S awoke hours later. W was talking to me about her family and I sat and listened. Even turned the TV off. W then suggested we get together and play a game. I was pleasantly surprised. I read about real giving and didn't question what I took as a "gift". I said sure that would be great. I then expanded the idea to asking her to watch a movie with me in the living room to which she liked the idea and agreed. Then she expanded by suggesting we go to breakfast first which I agreed.
I was so happy that I FINALLY had this avalanche of good feelings and breakfast was great. I listened to her talk about her fears of a recent car deal she committed to. After breakfast, I asked if she wanted to revisit the dealer while we were out. She was really happy at that suggestion and so we did. The dealer and the manager spoke with her and soothed all her fears. She was very appreciative of me going out of the way to do that for her.
We went home, watched the movie and in the middle of it her job called her in ruining the rest of our plans. She apologized and said she didn't want to but really needed the money. I assured her it was ok and that's what she needed to do.
By her suggesting the game and agreeing to watch a movie with me, it marked the first time since BD that she did this. Even though i'm trying not to read too much into it, DAMN it felt really good to do things as a family again even for a couple of hours.
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
"By her suggesting the game and agreeing to watch a movie with me, it marked the first time since BD that she did this. Even though i'm trying not to read too much into it, DAMN it felt really good to do things as a family again even for a couple of hours. "
I agree. Family time is good times. Just enjoy it for what it is.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
but I saw a movie last night I recommend for most DBers (and YOU guys here are some of who I thought of). There are lots of messages in it. It's called "Stuck In Love"...
Very moving.
Okay, on that note... over and out
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Alright, what i'm struggling with now is should I ask W in a friendly way, how far she is in accomplishing her goal?
She has had the paperwork for almost 2 yrs and has not even filled them out.
Does this actually show hesitancy on her part? Has she passed the pre-contemplation phase and moving on to contemplating whether she wants to do this or not? OR is she just plain lazy and loves eating that cake?
I would love to know.
Had more back problems this morning from the couch! Man! I miss my bed!
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
This is what i'm struggling with for consistency. I don't have any friends to go out with. I don't drink so I don't frequent bars. Also if I did I would be scared I would actually meet someone else. Honestly, I think the temptation would be too great to not entertain the idea. So I do things by myself at home mostly. I do go to a gym and workout. Aerobics at home, I read a lot of self-help books, movies, video games. I go visit my cousin but I can't do that every day. I have no idea what I can do out of the house that doesn't cost money.
Me 43 W 43 S 10 (Special Needs) M: 14 yrs T: 18 yrs Bomb: 09/16/12 Filed for D: WHO KNOWS???
