I told her I knew it wasn't my sister in law and she finally admitted that she met this guy last June that listens to her
That's what is referred to as an "emotional affair". You may not know if it's physical or not, but it really doesn't matter because an EA is just as damaging to your M as a PA.
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she says she still wants the divorce because I am too needy - clingy - controlling and that that behavior was going on long before I thought she was having and affair
And hopefully you understand now that snooping and pressuring her is just reinforcing to her the above views. That's behavior you need to do a 180 on.
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When she handed me the divorce papers, I said thank you - I hope we won't be needing these and to keep an open heart and mind again - she said no I'm done - I said Saturday you said you were willing to and she said no I didn't . . . I just don't know.
I don't think you realize what you're up against. She is DONE. I mean 100% DONE. At this time there is zero chance she's coming back. I know it probably hurts to hear that, but you need to know so you can quit doing what isn't working and get to work on YOU. Quit pressuring her with that kind of talk, it just reminds her that the two of you are not in agreement. She wants out, you want her back. That's conflict, and right now she wants to run from conflict. It's pushing her away. The DB'ing approach is to give her time and space while working on yourself, changing the things you did wrong in the M, and becoming the best possible person. THAT is what she might eventually be attracted back to.
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I guess the good things are we are still seeing the therapist and hopefully after a few one-on-one visits with each of us we can go together like we used to (the therapist wants to see us separately now because of the divorce filing
It's actually not a good thing, when one spouse is a WAS then they just use MC to validate their belief that the M is done and there's no hope. Keep going for you and let her keep going if she wants to, but DO NOT pressure her into going. If she says she wants to stop going then tell her you understand and that's fine with you.
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she already has seen a huge difference since Saturday - no desire to look at her phone and don't even question where she goes now - hopefully she will come around
This is a marathon, not a sprint. She's going to need to see months and months of changed behavior from you before she believes you've really changed. Right now she thinks it's just tricks to get her back.
