Working on Divorce Busting every Day!

[AnotherStander]

Sorry you're here but you'll find lots of great people here that have been through what you are going through now and emerged better people because of it. We all start out in that same deep, dark place you're describing, but things will get better regardless of what happens in your M! I know that doesn't ring true with you now because it didn't ring true with me either. I really thought the only way out was reconciliation and that if I couldn't have that then life wouldn't be worth living. Yet here I am on the cusp of D and I'm happier and healthier than I've been in many years! So hold onto hope and be patient

I know this sounds completely selfish but I feel like it is so not fair that I am hurting so bad and my H is just so happy and none of this is affecting him in the least.

WAS's are masters of acting "as if". He may seem calm, collected and happy, but inside there is confusion and turmoil. He's going through a lot right now too.

I have changed so much but it feels as if there is no point because my marriage is still broken.

You're still clearly grieving the loss of your M, and that is no doubt being communicated to your H (and is very unattractive). He will not be attracted to you again until you get past all of this and become the strong, independent person with loads of self-esteem that you were back when the two of you met. That is your goal, make YOU into the best person possible, the spouse only a fool would leave. You do it for YOU, not for your H.

Everyone is telling me to move on and find someone else. I am just not ready.

Have you read DR? Chapter 1 addresses this. They think they're doing what's in your best interest, but they're not.

I did text him and say "Spending extra time with the kids this morning made we again realize how screwed up and horrible my life is right now and how I had the perfect life. I guess a lot of times you have to lose everything to appreciate what you had. I know you already know that." He gave no response to that which is understandable.

Don't say stuff like this, it'll look desperate and even pathetic to him. People aren't attracted to sad, needy, clingy people. They are attracted to strength and independence.

I just wondered how many do people normally do and when do they quit the R forever. I'm not ready to quit.

It usually takes a year or more before your emotions settle down and you reach a state of strength and independence to the point that you can calmly and rationally decide if you're done with the M. Many try to rush into that decision too soon, when they do it's an emotional decision rather than a rational one. And when the decision is made emotionally, it never brings the relief they hope it will.

So settle in, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You have plenty of time.