I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

ILF, I guess I may have crossed the line with being upbeat, with friendliness. I guess I thought they were one in the same. I am going to make some changes there. I mean what you said is how it feels, which does not feel good at all. that's a big part of my struggle right now. She gets to go have this affair, and come home. I will have to be more precise in being upbeat, and not being a friend. (because I have no intentions of being friends if my M fails). I am re-reading the LRT steps and behaviors.

Sandi2,
It has been hard to have a list of activities. I live in the far north. Right now, we currently are buried beneath 2 feet of snow, with below zero temps. I also hate the cold, lol. So, I have hard time going out, because of it. This time of year I traditionally have always tried to stay in. At night I don't get home until 930pm, so it is pretty late for me to go out and do things. I think mostly the bars are open, but I really don't want to go there. In the mornings, I don't usually have a lot of time to go out and do things, because of my chores. My days off, I try and stay out of the house, and do day long activities. Those days I do have plans thought out and scheduled. I also am not making that known as to what those are to W.

I am being careful not to chase her. I don't follow her, talk about future, or things like that. The only time I think I am planning around her, is when I know she will be gone for a day or 2. Because that means, I need to make sure the pets are taken care of. So that they are not locked up for 8 to 12 hours without a bathroom break. Like I said I tend to stay in due to the cold, so I am here when she gets home sometimes. I do try and just do my own thing while she is here. Maybe I am reading, watching a show, or talking on the phone. Although, when I think about it, I can do better, about watching "our shows" when she is here. I did that last night while she was away. Watched one of them, and then deleted it, to make room on the dvr, lol.

During our m, I broke ties with all my local friends. I did this because they liked to party, recklessly. She had wanted me to stop going out. Which was good for me, I needed to stop partying. I got an OUI, early on and was doing some pretty destructive behaviors. So I don't want to go back to that. During that time I made some online friends, who I talk to through Skype. They are real friends, but none of them live anywhere close. Since the D day, I pulled back from them. I did thins because I felt I needed to focus on me. I did not want to involve them. I guess because I knew once this got out there, there was no way to reverse that. So, I have been pretty anti social. I have turned to family for companionship. Not to get advice, but more to talk with and reconnect with.

I have a like 1 or 2 friends still here, but they are married. I also have avoided reconnecting with them, because I just feel like I am not the most fun to be around right now. Maybe soon. I am trying to implement the LRT and am getting more familiar with what that looks like. I know I have made some mistakes with it, as I feel ILF pointed out.

When I focus on GAL, I do feel pretty good. I like changes there. I know there is a lot more I can do. Maybe not taking on more things, beyond what I have, but more the implementation of the technique. Focusing on getting into that state of mind. Reading what others have said, done, been advised of here.

Some things I plan on doing is withdrawing from some old behaviors, like the daily notes we have left for each others. Notes saying things like, have a great day, hope your feeling better (when she is ill). Hope work goes well. etc. These are notes she leaves as well, but I will pull back from these. It is a behavior we started when we got together in the beginning, and have not stopped. But looking at it another way, I can see now, this is no different than texting, emailing, etc.

Also, shutting up, lol. Not starting talks about the things I am doing, or have done. Not prolonging the conversation when she does. Maybe not responding right away when she texts me. Going more "dark" on information. I have gotten a little better about snooping, I never feel good when I have done it. I don't know what I was hoping to find. I guess that she was unhappy with the A, or if she was taking action on the D. So far it has not been what I have found and has just made me feel worse. I was obsessed with it for awhile. I am pulling back, and working hard at distracting myself when I have felt the urge.

I may be wrong in what I am saying here or not on track. Correct me if this is true. I am really trying to make the changes. For myself first, and for our M second. It is just hard finding who I am as an individual. I had not realized how much I had lost myself in all of this, and I am still learning that point, that I did loose a lot of who I was/am. Also who I want to be.

The feedback and support I have gotten here, has been so helpful. Earlier on, I was listening to everyone around me, and felt I was just spinning around in circle going in all different directions. I feel more focused and like I have a direction, that I can see benefit to. I need that, seeing a time in the future, where things wont feel the way they have, gives me hope for my own well being.

Thank you.