I had an emotional affair our whole marriage

[Betrayo]

Well, it began 7 years ago. I had left a relationship of 17 years(no marriage), because I was having an affair with another woman. The affair was with someone I thought I wanted to be with, ended up it didn't work out. I was still commingled somehow with both of these woman when I met my wife. I was in a bad point in my life when I met my wife, I was still somewhat involved with the OW(2) when I met my W. We had started dating and we were seeing each other for about 3 months when everything collided and all heck broke loose. All I had to do was tell the other 2 it was over and I didn't. I ended up cheating on myW(to be), well it was a little rocky for a day or 2, but I convinced her to give me another chance.
Now, back to the beginning, I was in a 17 year relationship, and I had a 1 time A with a woman. After the 1 time, this woman and I became friends and have continued to talk, usually by email.
Ok, now jump forward again. My W and I got married in 2008. I had not physically cheated or strayed in our 5 years of marriage, I thought I was being a good husband, all the time keeping this contact with this OW. Our emails at times were sexual in nature but nothing else ever happened. I shared things with this OW that I should have been talking to my wife about. Well, D day was Oct 8 2013. She found the emails on my work phone. For the first 2 months, I was in denial of what it was, and it seemed like I was still hiding things from my wife. Well, it turns out that I was having an EA, never heard of it, until now, and now I know all about it. The only time I ever conversed with the OW was at work. Never, at any other time. In my mind I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I guess since nothing else ever happened, I thought I could just explain it and it not be as bad. Now, I know different. After the initial shock, my wife wanted me to leave, but I convinced her to let me stay. We have 4 children, 3 are hers from previous relationships, and 1 we adopted. We started doing a lot of research, and going to C.we both did IC, but she quit after 1 session we had together. I have been doing everything to be transparent, but still she isn't feeling like she wants to work on the marriage. She feels like everything was fake and that all the love has been sucked out of her. I have tried to get her to get C, for her, not for us. I understand she needs to get to a place that she could even think about working on our marriage. I love my W, so much and I do not want to lose her or my family. She now wants to separate, she feels that she should be feeling more after 4 months, than she does. After everything I have read, I think she is expecting things to happen too fast.
My heart is breaking, I know it's my fault and I could have stopped it, but it don't want to lose my wife! She is my everything. I dint want to leave , but it may be what she needs, and I need to think about her. She never mentioned divorce, except at the very beginning. So, I am not sure if I should be hopeful that she is maybe thinking she may just need time away from me? So, is there any way to save our marriage? Is there much of a chance to Reconcile after separation? I know I have hurt her so much, I want to be the one to make it all right for her!
I know this rambles, but I wanted to get it all out there.

Ps, all contact was broke off, the day after she found out.

[Betrayo]

Sorry the intial post is so jumbled, but the last line should say that all contact with the OW was cut off the very next day.

[Cadet]

Welcome to the board

Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.

So how do you think you are going to FIX this?

My suggestion is look in the mirror and start with YOURSELF.

Knowledge is Power

[TL72*]

I'm sorry to hear about that. If you have a chance, read all over these forums. Read Sandy's rules in the newcomers section. Keep posting even if you don't get responses, sometimes it takes awhile to get off moderation. I had an EA for 4 years and it was physical 3x. My H found out and it destroyed him. He decided to work it out, this was 3 years ago. I thought all was fine and then he dropped the bomb last month and we're currently in divorce proceedings. He hasn't moved out yet. I'm following Sandy's rules and hoping for reconciliation. You're not alone - this forum is really helpful, just knowing that there are others going through something similar. I do think you guys certainly have a chance of reconciliation but you can only control your own actions. You will have to be very very patient. She may have a change of heart after she processes all this.

[TL72*]

good answer Cadet!!!

[Starsky309]

Would she be willing to go to a Retrouvaille weekend with you? They are excellent at saving marriages at the "brink" that yours is at now.

You might want to use more PARAGRAPH BREAKS in your posts; that thing was darned near unreadable, lol.

Although you state "I know better now" a couple of times in your post, in other places it still sounds (to me, anyway) like you're making excuses for your past unfaithful behavior. Have you REALLY come to grips with how much pain you've caused your wife, and how wrong the affair and the deception were? If you have, there IS hope for you to, but it's going to be tough sledding, I won't kid you. You're going to have to convince your wife -- over much, much time -- that your remorse is real, and your changes are consistent and genuine. There's nothing you can do or say now to "fix" it, and as men we have a hard time with that, I know.

Starsky

[MrBond]

So you had an A on your W with TWO women? If I was your W I would be extremely hesitant also. What guarantee does she have that when things start settling down that you won't go back to your old habits?

Serial cheating is a pretty big deal.

[Betrayo]

Cadet,
i have spent the last 3 days reading all i can on this site. So much good info. How am i going to fix this? I amgoing to change myself foremost, and prove to my W that i have changed and she can see the change. HOpefully in time she would be willing to trust me again.

Starsky,
Sorry about the original post. Yes, i do know how much i have hurt her, and i have come to grips with. Alhough when thinking about it, i will still cry over how much pain i have caused. About the time issue, my wife feels that she should be futher along than she is at this point. I feel like she is trying to hard to rush it not really dealing with it. I want her to get help for herself but she doesnt feel shes the one that needs help.

I am trying deperately to keep from seperating, but then i think maybe time apart will help her? The thought of serperation and being away from my W and family just breaks my heart.

Betrayo(my screen name was to be "Betrayor" for some reason the r got dropped.

[Betrayo]

Mr bond,
I will be honest, i dont know how to explain to guarantee it, bc I know at this point she cannot/will not trust me. I knew in my heart the moment i saw the hurt in her eyes again, i would never let this happen again. I never want her to feel pain like that again. Not that i ever wanted her to hurt to begin with. I do know in my heart i will never cheat again. I know i have to prove that to her. Is there a way to guarantee it, other than proving in time that one has made the needed changes and has shown there trustworthyness? i can guarantee it, in my heart! After IC, i know that i had a problem sharing to much info with other women, personal information, and information that i should be talking to my wife about.

[MrBond]

"I knew in my heart the moment i saw the hurt in her eyes again, i would never let this happen again."

All empty words. Didn't you say that you cheated on a long term relationship with another? I'm sure that person was hurt, but it didn't stop you.

What actions are you planning to do? Sounds like you're a serial cheater, and that's probably how your W views it. I mean, one OW is bad enough but 2 at the same time? That's pretty low.