living with WAW who hasn't walked yet

[Azagtoth]

Zew,

Sorry to find you here; I am new myself but have been lurking the boards for a while. You will find great advice and support here.

I also have a live-in, Semi-WAW. My bomb was dropped in July 2013 so we are on a close time line. We also sleep in the same bed and we still actually enjoy activities and such together; her "in-love feelings" are just not "there".

This wasn't the case initially. I did all the wrong things in the beginning too. She never mentioned getting a D, but there was a lot of "I need space" and "I just need to get away / I wish you would leave for a while" and "I don't think this is going to work anymore". It does take a while for the initial shock to set in and get the detachment going, but it does get easier with time and it not only helps you, but also her and the situation. Once my detachment and "smothering" actions stopped, things got better; she seems more relaxed and comfortable around me and I with her. We can now carry on conversations enjoyably together (i.e. work, news, family, home....I just stay away from R talk unless she initiates and then validate)!

I had to deal with an EA (no evidence of PA). It s*cks; EA's hurt just as bad! I also implemented NC; she agreed and as far as I can tell, she has kept her word. She may listen; she may not. You have stated how you feel about this and what is required. She will do what she is going to do; you can't control her. The only thing you need to ask yourself is this: Is the NC a hard Boundary? What are the consequences of continued contact / PA? Are you willing to follow through with the consequences if she continues to violate NC? My consequences were if she continued, she would have to leave, period. Not only that, but I would expose it to EVERYONE (I had the evidence to back it up)! I said this sternly but without anger! I would have definitely followed through if she continued! I believe this set the tone that I would support & forgive her, but I would not be a doormat for her to eat cake; I drew a line and stood up for my own dignity, self-worth and self-esteem!

This is what worked for ME; do what you feel is necessary for YOU; follow advice of the vets!

Whether it is MLC or WAW or both; LOTS AND LOTS of patience, understanding and space; both emotional and physical when needed! Validate her feelings! Do all the things you listed in your last post. Watch, Listen, STFU!


Azagtoth