Reaching out for support and advice 3

[bluesgal]

Wonka-I'm fine with the months. I can't imagine years. Ugh!

H wants to join the kids and I for a movie today. He asked if he could come and said he could meet us there. I said ok or we can pick him up where he's staying (it's on the way there). He said no, he doesn't want the kids to see him this way. He is embarrased about the way he is living. Yes, Wonka, he is in full fledged running mode. He drives, sleeps, avoids. It seems that everywhere he goes, he doesn't really want to be. Not content.

Yes, Labug, I will do just that. The next time he tries to engage an argument, say a nasty comment, I will end the conversation.

I was able to connect with a couple of women today at church who have gone through/are going through the same thing. It's so nice to have people to relate to. I also found a support group that meets monthly for divorced/separated women that I intend to go to. Our mutual friends have been very supportive. One couple had me over for steaks, scallops, and wine last night. I still have great people in my life. It's so sad I had to let H go. I miss sharing those things with him.

Thanks everyone for checking in on me

[bluesgal]

S6 lost his first tooth last night. I am so sad he is growing up so quickly. It really hits that H is gone during those times. I remember when D15 lost her first tooth. She came running to H and we were all so excited.

Times have changed. S asked if he could call dad and tell him

H has everything to lose. On the flip side, H did state that he's thinking a lot and trying to make decisions. This surprised me since I truly thought he was just drowning his thoughts in booze and women.

His options now are 1) Divorce me 2) Move home and live independently of me.

His options are never to work out his M. "I just don't see you like that" Ouch.

Have fun living your d-bag life, dude. Ok, got that out of my system.

[labug]

Do you want the man he is right now to see you like that?

Maybe he sees you as way too healthy for him. He might have to actually get his act together to be in a R with you. That's pretty scary for a lot of people.

You have a lot of power right now. Are you choosing him or are you choosing you?

[bluesgal]

Also, H made a comment about finding a new C. (He associates old C with me and M)

And talked about getting a gym membership for not just physical, but also mental.

From BD history, I believe he will not follow through on these things, but interesting that he is thinking and having some movement. Take any positives??

My H if very old school tough guy, so I thought these were interesting comments.

[labug]

An edit:

His options are never to work out his M. "I just don't see you like that" Ouch.

Do you want the man he is right now to "see you like that"?

[Wonka]

Blues,

^^ Comment by H is MLC numbness. Par for the course in MLCland.

Carry on with your life and your activities as if H is a distant relative that you see very occasionally.

[bluesgal]

Labug-We must have posted at the same time.

I don't like the man he is right now at all. When I read other people's situations I can see that there is love behind the pain. I often don't feel that way with my H. He has so much anger and cutting comments. He refuses to see my changes. He excludes me in any loving or family comments.

It seems we are farther apart than ever, and he has dug his heels in so much, that I have lost faith that he will ever come back to his M.

Right now I am choosing me. I am finally taking care of myself.

[bluesgal]

Wonka,

My mind says, 'Of course these are MLC script comments'

My heart still hurts when I hear them and they seem so real. I am carrying on. Distant relative is an interesting way to think about it. I know it may be weeks/months/(I refuse to say years) before I see movement. Lord help me.

[3boymom]

I don't like the man he is right now at all. When I read other people's situations I can see that there is love behind the pain. I often don't feel that way with my H. He has so much anger and cutting comments. He refuses to see my changes. He excludes me in any loving or family comments.

Blues - My H was exactly the same. There was so much anger. If my H's looks could kill, I would have been dead a year ago. My H cannot handle criticism and if he felt attacked at all, he would spew angry comments at me. I guess it was his way of deflecting and keeping me down so that he did not have to look at himself. The only thing that helped was walking away from those conversations. I refused to engage. It took MONTHS but the anger eventually faded when I no longer gave him ammunition to flue his anger. Just let him be. You cant fix him.

If it starts, just refuse to engage. I am glad to hear that you are finally taking care of yourself! Love those kids and yourself.

[Wonka]

Blues,

My heart still hurts when I hear them and they seem so real.

I'd worry if you didn't feel hurt at all. This the beauty of being human [and sometimes not!].