Working on Divorce Busting every Day!

[Mic]

Hi
This is a good place to journal for me. I would love to hear from some of the veterans on here. I feel like every day is harder than the day before. I am dismantling a life.
I know this sounds completely selfish but I feel like it is so not fair that I am hurting so bad and my H is just so happy and none of this is affecting him in the least.
We own a farm together as one of our properties and since he wants the farm and I'm not sure if I will be able to swing it financially, I am having to be proactive and find homes for all of the animals. This hurts so much since all of the animals have a story. (They are all rescues) It hurts my children. It hurts that I am giving up my children almost 1/2 the time for the rest of my life. My reality is that my life is going to suck while his is going to be great. At least it looks that way to me now.
I am losing everything important to me. IC is helping but each day it seems harder than the one before.
I cried when I found out that my D might be final in a few short months (that is if we can agree to everything -- which is a joke) My H feels everything should be divided 50/50 except the money of course - LOL. I am still holding on to so much anger towards him and towards myself.
I see so many mistakes I made in this marriage. I have changed so much but it feels as if there is no point because my marriage is still broken. Everyone is telling me to move on and find someone else. I am just not ready.
It hurts to know that no matter what my H and I are the only ones that will love our children as much as we do.
I'm sure this was not DB but I texted him the the other day - He had me watch the kids while he went to a meeting. He was late coming back - yet he wants more time with them. He is so illogical. If he got all the time he wanted then he would never work. Another rant! He apologized for being late and I said "any extra time I get with our kids is a bonus" He said "I feel the same way"
Really - my thoughts I did not say this - You do - If you did then we wouldn't each be away from them 3 or 4 days a week. We would each be with them 7 days.
I did text him and say "Spending extra time with the kids this morning made we again realize how screwed up and horrible my life is right now and how I had the perfect life. I guess a lot of times you have to lose everything to appreciate what you had. I know you already know that." He gave no response to that which is understandable.

Today I cried because I was supposed to get my carpet cleaned and they couldn't make it up the icy driveway. I thought really I can't even get the stupid carpet cleaned. What have I done that nothing goes right.
I know that everyone says it is the darkest just before the dawn. I really want the dawn to get here.

I sent back in disagreement to most of his shared parenting plan so we will see how that goes.

Also I have had two sessions with the DB coach which were awesome and I signed up for 3 more. I just wondered how many do people normally do and when do they quit the R forever. I'm not ready to quit. It's just hard when he seems so at peace and I'm in such turmoil.

Thoughts from others would be much appreciated.

[AnotherStander]

Sorry you're here but you'll find lots of great people here that have been through what you are going through now and emerged better people because of it. We all start out in that same deep, dark place you're describing, but things will get better regardless of what happens in your M! I know that doesn't ring true with you now because it didn't ring true with me either. I really thought the only way out was reconciliation and that if I couldn't have that then life wouldn't be worth living. Yet here I am on the cusp of D and I'm happier and healthier than I've been in many years! So hold onto hope and be patient

I know this sounds completely selfish but I feel like it is so not fair that I am hurting so bad and my H is just so happy and none of this is affecting him in the least.

WAS's are masters of acting "as if". He may seem calm, collected and happy, but inside there is confusion and turmoil. He's going through a lot right now too.

I have changed so much but it feels as if there is no point because my marriage is still broken.

You're still clearly grieving the loss of your M, and that is no doubt being communicated to your H (and is very unattractive). He will not be attracted to you again until you get past all of this and become the strong, independent person with loads of self-esteem that you were back when the two of you met. That is your goal, make YOU into the best person possible, the spouse only a fool would leave. You do it for YOU, not for your H.

Everyone is telling me to move on and find someone else. I am just not ready.

Have you read DR? Chapter 1 addresses this. They think they're doing what's in your best interest, but they're not.

I did text him and say "Spending extra time with the kids this morning made we again realize how screwed up and horrible my life is right now and how I had the perfect life. I guess a lot of times you have to lose everything to appreciate what you had. I know you already know that." He gave no response to that which is understandable.

Don't say stuff like this, it'll look desperate and even pathetic to him. People aren't attracted to sad, needy, clingy people. They are attracted to strength and independence.

I just wondered how many do people normally do and when do they quit the R forever. I'm not ready to quit.

It usually takes a year or more before your emotions settle down and you reach a state of strength and independence to the point that you can calmly and rationally decide if you're done with the M. Many try to rush into that decision too soon, when they do it's an emotional decision rather than a rational one. And when the decision is made emotionally, it never brings the relief they hope it will.

So settle in, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You have plenty of time.

[2stubborn2quit]

I'd also like to chime in on the idea that he's happy as a lark. It also seems to me that my W is happy as ever and maybe she is, but in truth I don't think they're at peace. It speaks volumes on the mindset of a person willing to dismantle a life and hurt a person who loves them deeply for their own selfish nonsense.

It will get easier. It doesn't make sense now but in time you'll see your life as your own again.

[Mic]

Thank you! I have read DR once and am on my second read-through. Your right I do need to GAL. It's hard because my happy place was our farm where I gave lessons and worked with children with special needs and those that have dealt with loss. Unfortunately my H felt that I loved the farm more than him and had an EA with the farm.
While at the same time I am dismantling my marriage I am dismantling my career.
I am going back into my other career a few days a week which is nice and I'm going out with friends. I'm looking into taking cooking lessons and other activities that I have never had time for. I am trying to fill up the days that I don't have the kids. I was blessed to be a SAHM mom and when I worked I always was able to have the children with me.
On another note - our daughters birthday is coming up. She told both of us all she wanted for her birthday was for us to be together on her birthday. We have both agreed to be at the party. I know we can both be civil to each other. We are always pleasant and have actually laughed together a few times during house switch/kid switch.
My concern is my friends and family will not be so quiet. My grandmother already said she Will say something. Do I warn my H in advance it is not going to be pleasant for him or do I just let it go. Should we not have a joint birthday party? Do I invite his family or is that his responsibility for his own party and just invite him to the party I am having for my daughter.
We have 3 parties coming up. My daughters and then my other daughters a few weeks after that. My sons is not for a few months but it will be a milestone since it is his first.
Suggestions on that?
I appreciate the year comment. I guess I have been dealing with this since October but I feel that since we separated and the divorce was filed in December is when it really hit home.

[2stubborn2quit]

I kept the relatives away from her. We did one joint party for our son and then she went and organized her own party for our daughter without me. I let it go, organized one myself with my relatives.

Just go with the flow and try not to plan things too much detail. The first one of everything is the hard (birthdays, holidays, etc.) and the toughest part in the beginning is to stop letting him be a part of your plans by default.

[Mic]

We were in the process of remodeling our dream home when the BD happened. I went and saw it today. Breaks my heart because this was my dream for our entire marriage and there is a really good chance that he will end up with it. I know that it is only a "house" It was dream of both of ours but he bought the property just because I wanted it. Now he says under no circumstances will he allow me to have this property. He wants me to hurt as much as I have hurt him.
I wonder if I should just walk away from it or I should truly fight for it (if finances allow it) At least I would have my dream home if the M fails.
The nice thing is my designer says he is on my side and praying daily for me. He feels my H is "lost" and I need to do whatever I can to keep him from losing his family forever.
I appreciate the sentiment but I can't snap my fingers and make him come back. There is nothing I can do to bring him back, except PRAY, FAST, GAL, Move on, READ DB, Talk to my DB coach.

I will go with the flow.

You said stop letting him be apart of my plans. My H wants us to do all kid activities together. 3X he asked me to go to a sporting class with him and my daughter. I have refused each time because I explained it was just a class and would confuse my daughter if we went together.
In our shared parenting papers he also is under the impression that we will continue to share the house - we leave on our non-kid days. Is this part of the WAS syndrome where they truly don't understand everything they are doing.
He is also completely and totally convinced that if he is happier the kids will be happier. He wants everything to be the same, except me out and I am assuming a new girl in. (Have not found evidence of a PA) Have found some evidence I believe of an EA. Though he has denied it.
All of this is from a few weeks ago. The last couple of weeks I am trying to be pleasant when we are around.
He did text me the other day and say "I won the mom of the year award". Then he goes very distant. I am working hard to only text when it involved our kids.
Also at first I was making the kids call their dad every night. I have started letting him call if he wants to talk to them. I'm not sure if this is the right move or not for the children's sake. He will call and then go a day without calling them. Thoughts on this.
I know I am probably over analyzing every single thing.

[MamaB]

Hello Mic, first I want to say that l'm very sorry that you have to give up your job with kids on your farm. It seems you are going through, a double loss.

Will your H buy you out of the home? He can't just say it is his without compinsation/negotiation right?

As far as phone calls go, if the kids want to call H, I give them the phone to do so. When he calls, I give them them the phone to talk to him. The communication is really up to your H, IMHO. Also, now they facetime and same rules apply. I know your kiddos are younger, so not sure if this would work.

[Mic]

Hi MamaB
My husband is a lawyer so he is used to saying this is how it goes. I have to remind him I have my own attorney and it's not him:) LOL:)
Thanks. We have two properties but right now it appears he has buried a lot of our money in the remodeling. My L warned me of this. I will see what the exact figures are. No he would have to buy me out but not sure with what. I guess I'll see and keep praying. At first he wanted to give me neither home but now I may end up with one of them. It's all a big mess.
Yes - It is such a hard loss. I have been telling my students and their parents. All the parents ask me how can we tell our children their happy place is gone. I am thankful that I have probably helped 3000 kids over the past few years. That was a blessing.
My oldest has facetime. I have to limit her IPAD use:), but I have been just handing the the phone to them or letting him call on facetime. I try and make a point to walk out of the room when he calls so my children do not feel as if I'm spying on them.

[melissag]

mic, I am so sorry. This svcks, doesn't it?

You have already gotten some good advice. I wanted to add onto that and say that you don't have to follow your H's timeline for the D. Make sure you take your time and do what is best for you and the kids. Getting D, losing your job, your home, etc. is a LOT to do all at once, and you need to make sure you are able to make these kinds of decisions.

I am glad you have a L to help you.

I agree with AS, please stop telling your H about your feelings. This is going to sound mean and I am sorry, but he doesn't care right now, and you are only driving him further away.

As far as the family party goes, I would tell your grandmother, or whoever else you think may say something, that it is important to you to have a good co-parenting R with your H for the sake of your children, and that you would appreciate if she could keep her opinions to herself . . . for the sake of the kids.

I'm also fairly certain that it will only hurt your cause if your family starts telling him off.

Hang in there, this will all turn out OK one way or the other.

[Mic]

I had a revelation today. I admit I must be completely slow but my H is completely 100% selfish and it is all about him. Today was child/house switch day. My 2.5 year old is having a really hard time with it. She first said "Bye mommy I love you, I'll miss you and then she always goes I go with you. I need you" I said I need you to but your going to have fun with Daddy. He gave me this horrible glare where it appears he wishes I would just disapear off the face of the earth. Apparently he must have got the shared parenting paperwork back and I did not agree to his every wish. Big surprise!:)
Then about a 1/2 hour later he texted about a binky for the baby. As long as the conversation revolves around him directly or indirectly he is happy to text/talk. He is the one reaching out then he will pull back even farther. Maybe this is a sympton of the WAS? I am letting him be in the drivers seat as far as communication goes. He looks awful. He should look great. He's had 5 days of no responsibility. Apparently he's still not "happy". Imagine that.
I have also decided after seeing the remodeling in progress at our dream home that if I don't get it and can't financially. I won't know then I am going to do everything in my power to have it sold. The house belongs with a family that will truly love it. The house is made for entertaining. My H hates to entertain and it needs a women's touch and (censored) if I'm going to allow to some other woman of my H to entertain out of my dream home.
Thanks to one of the melissag's advice on here. I again told my attorney I don't care how long the divorce takes. The longer the better. I just want what's fair for myself and my children.