melissa - gotta get back to me

[Underdog]

Melissa,

I really haven't been AWOL and promise to come check up on you. But as you know, I had a death in my inner circle on Friday and have some housekeeping to do in addition to managing my own emotions.

So I leave you in the very capable hands of 25 and Bug, whose words I applaud and agree with.

The only way out is through.

Betsey

[melissag]

Of course, Betsey. I'm so sorry for your loss. I've been wracking my brain trying to think of something to do to help . . . I know it's just hard for you right now. Let me know if you want to grab coffee, or maybe need to go straight to the hard stuff - I have gotten pretty good at listening lately.

((Betsey))

[Wonka]

M,

What's this I hear about "lunatic" posts, heh?? I'd say pretty darn close. Nah, just kidding. I like you because you do work hard at digging deep and trying to look at things from different perspectives. This is HARD work, baby.

Would you really have told me to say that??

In my defense, I don't do stupid well. Very, very much allergic to stupid. In all honesty, I would have advised you to just ignore H's blatant attempt to inflate his own ego further. So transparent, so silly, so stupid!

My H felt that I attacked his choice of looking for women online, and I would say that yes, that only made him defend it more.

So what? H needs to realize how his actions are truly hurtful...especially asking his own wife her thoughts about his online dating profile. WTH?!!

I was actually believing the things H was saying.

Why would you knowing how irrational his thoughts are at the present time? Do you remember when your kid was 2 years old and said to you, "I hate you!" Did you believe him/her? Exactly. This is how you might want to approach H when he gets into those stupid rants and tirades.

I want to do this . . . but I kind of feel like I am cheating. Aren't I fooling myself if I think that?

Cheating yourself out of your own integrity. I think not.

It did feel better on Friday, telling him that I wanted him to take my kids' photos off of his dating profile - because no matter how he responded to that, at least I felt like I was sticking up for myself and my children. For a long time, I feel like I have been letting him just stomp all over me because I didn't want to upset him.

Why would you want to compromise your own values for the sake of avoiding upsetting your H?!! Makes no sense at all. Hey, upsets happen all the time between friends, colleagues, family members and spouses. They all happen because of misunderstandings, angry feelings, or boundary setting. Boundary setting is something that people have a very difficult time because they worry and fear what the other person will think and/or react to it. This is why I stress to you quite strongly to lose that fear when dealing with H.

If I ignore him, does that not indicate that I accept him treating me so cruelly?

Not really. As far as stupid goes, the best thing is to ignore them. And believe me...they DO get the message.

So I can identify why I am angry. But I can't go back to my H and say, "it really hurt my feelings that you said X." He doesn't care.

So what do I do with that? I feel like my only choice is to eat it. And that is making me feel quite resentful. In fact, the resentment has been building in me this morning as I think about the way that my H has treated me lately . . . it goes way beyond insensitive.

How do I reframe that?

By losing your fear and taking back your own personal power. You've been giving it away far too quickly and easily. Do you see this, M?

You'll never guess what his response was. "I am willing to call off the lawyers. I don't understand why they were called in the first place."


Back to the point - he later emailed me and said, "Can we get together face to face next week (name the time and date and I will make it happen) and talk through this? Electronic communication has never been our best medium."

I'd be very leery of this. This happens when the WAS is very desperate to settle the financials QUICKLY. They don't have you in their best interests. They don't want the lawyers involved because they know that they have to cough up whatever is legally required in S and D. In these cases, I would go ahead and meet with the WAS just to listen to what they have to say. Oftentimes, they just pull out imaginary figures out of their own wazoo hoping to pull the wool over the LBS' eyes. Silly!

Of course, you DO need a lawyer to protect your financial interests. This is what lawyers are for, right?

[melissag]

What a difference a day makes.

I feel 1,000 times better today than I did yesterday. (Thank goodness.)

Yesterday I spent some time cleaning, went to yoga, had a massage, and then went out with a friend.

I think we hold a lot of emotions in our physical bodies . . . sorry if I am getting all woo woo here, but has anyone else cried after yoga or a massage? It's like some sort of detox for my emotions somehow. So doing both consecutively resulted in me crying my eyes out all the way home and then some.

And then, when I was done, I felt like so many things were clearer.

I realized that I was really stressed about my attorney. I felt like things were out of my control with her. I am watching my control issues, but I do think that this is my life and my kids' life, and my money too - and I just felt like she was taking over. Worse yet, I had a very uneasy feeling that she was going to stir the pot just for fun (or to rack up my bill). Her temperament was too adversarial, too aggressive, too pushy . . . I didn't like it.

So I fired her. And I can't tell you how much better I feel. A friend of mine has been divorced for 15 years and loves his lawyer . . . so I called him this morning. He seems much more levelheaded. He listens to me rather than yammering on and on about what a dick my H is and how they all are screwing other women and he'll probably buy a new sports car. I am meeting with him tomorrow, but I think it will go well. (Also, when I told him the name of the lawyer I had initially hired, he confirmed that she is all fireworks. Soooo not what I need right now.)

I am also going to see my new (old) C tomorrow morning. I have been wanting to switch back to her (I had only seen her once, but I really liked her and thought our personalities worked well together), so I am looking forward to that. My current C is wonderful and will hold my hand and root me on, but I feel like I need someone with a stronger personality who will challenge me and call me on my BS. (Kinda like you guys LOL.)

The friend I went out with last night was divorced after a 7 year M (no kids). Her current H was also divorced, when his kids were toddlers. They each had their own story, but each one went through a terrible, terrible time, and they have been happily married to each other for over a decade. She said that she remembered feeling like she was going to be alone forever, and she couldn't even imagine dating anyone else, etc.

It really helped me to see that, and remind myself that I've got a lot of years left to live and be happy. This doesn't need to be the story of my life . . . it can just be one chapter, if I allow it to be.

She reminded me that H is just limited. Right now he can only do what he is doing. That's all he is capable of right now. Kind of goes hand in hand with the idea that this has nothing to do with me . . . he has his own issues and I have nothing to do with them and can't solve them.

Also, my friend's H (whom I am also friends with) owns a wealth management company, and said he would help me out as far as financial planning, issues to spot in a settlement, etc., for no charge.

I am so lucky to have wonderful friends.

Now, if only I had a dumpster so I could just throw things out directly from the closet.

To give my H some credit, he sent me a video of my D9 tubing yesterday, and one of my S7 skiing this morning. So I guess that was nice. I am glad they are having fun, but it really does give me a knot in my stomach that I will miss out on so much with them.

So I just have to make sure that I make the most of the time I do spend with them.

25, I am taking your advice . . . I will give this "no lawyers" thing ONE shot. One. Because something I figured out in the past 24 hours is that divorce is, in and of itself, antagonistic. There is just no way to go through a non-contentious D, when one person wants it and the other doesn't. (Other than me doing exactly what my H wants, I guess.) I just need to accept that. I am getting D, and it's not going to be fun or pretty. My H is going to be mad when I stand up for what I want and deserve. I'm just saying that based on how things have gone so far. I will meet with my H (after meeting with my new L) at some point, and I will be open minded, but I will remember to have zero expectations, and if it doesn't go well, it will be OK to have lawyers help us.

OK. Whew. I'm back! Hallelujah. Let's hope I can make it last.

[melissag]

I just realized, reading Wonka's post, that maybe my H's text about his match profile was misunderstood here.

As I understood it, he wasn't asking me my opinion of his profile, he was asking literally, how did I get to look at it? I assume because you can't view someone's profile without being a member yourself. So who knows what he was speculating - he has a good imagination.

[quoteWhat's this I hear about "lunatic" posts, heh?? I'd say pretty darn close. Nah, just kidding. I like you because you do work hard at digging deep and trying to look at things from different perspectives. This is HARD work, baby.[/quote]

Thank you for saying that. I really do try . . . I just don't always get it. Sometimes it takes me a while and some bonks on the head first.

Why would you knowing how irrational his thoughts are at the present time? Do you remember when your kid was 2 years old and said to you, "I hate you!" Did you believe him/her? Exactly. This is how you might want to approach H when he gets into those stupid rants and tirades.

Hmm. I like the comparison. H as a bratty two year old. It works.

Why would you want to compromise your own values for the sake of avoiding upsetting your H?!!

I think I went too far with my 180s, honestly. For a long time (and still some now), I would internalize what my H said and wonder if it was true. Do I really always have to get my way? Am I really too lenient with the kids? Am I really too critical?

Well, I was too critical. But some of those other things, they were H's view and not an objective view. I think H is kind of like one of those Moms who thinks that bottle feeding is evil, because it makes her feel better about her decision to breast feed. (That was a weird analogy, I know, but it's what popped into my head first.) I think that he reassures himself that the way he does things is the right way by viewing my way as the wrong way. So he would attack my way. And then I really started to wonder if my way was wrong. (Oy.) So getting to the point - for a while I wasn't sure what was real and what was my H, so I maybe went too far toward what he thought I should do with some things, before realizing that wasn't in line with my values.

Not really. As far as stupid goes, the best thing is to ignore them. And believe me...they DO get the message.

You think? I know that I would get the message. If I said something that was hurtful or stupid (and didn't realize it at first) and the person ignored me, I think I would start wondering if maybe what I said was offensive. But I don't know - H seems to really be in la la land where he can do no wrong. Oh well, I guess it doesn't matter what he thinks.

By losing your fear and taking back your own personal power. You've been giving it away far too quickly and easily. Do you see this, M?

I see it when you and others point it out, but I am really not good at identifying it on my own yet. I hope I will get there at some point.

I'd be very leery of this. This happens when the WAS is very desperate to settle the financials QUICKLY. They don't have you in their best interests. They don't want the lawyers involved because they know that they have to cough up whatever is legally required in S and D. In these cases, I would go ahead and meet with the WAS just to listen to what they have to say. Oftentimes, they just pull out imaginary figures out of their own wazoo hoping to pull the wool over the LBS' eyes. Silly!

Of course, you DO need a lawyer to protect your financial interests. This is what lawyers are for, right?

Yes. I am not sure that my H is trying to get away with something but he clearly does want to get this done quickly. I guess he just wants to move on.

Like Betsey said, I ought to use his impatience to my advantage - after all, I have no reason to hurry this up. If he wants to hurry up, maybe he will have to agree to what I want.

[makingmagic]

ohhh Melissa... good point!!! get what YOU want!!!

I like that!!

[PatientMan]

Meet with him in person, but go in knowing that you will agree to absolutely nothing in that meeting. This will take the pressure off and allow you to have open ears and an open heart - it will allow you to be kind and patient and compassionate and gentle and self-controlled.

-PM

[MamaB]

I'm glad you're having a better day today! Crying after yoga can be pretty common, you are releaseing stored energy. It is a good thing.

I know you will protect yourself and your children's interest in the end, so meeting with your H won't change that focus. It is still not fun to talk about dividing your married life. I'm sorry you have to do it at all.

[3boymom]

Hi M. I am so glad that you are feeling better today! I think that it is bug that always points out to me that sometimes you experience the most growth after getting through one of those really hard days. I am glad that you followed your gut and switched attorneys. One of the biggest things I have learned in this journey is that I really should trust myself more often with these decisions. Sounds like it is a huge weight off your shoulders which is great!

[labug]

^^^I was thinking the same thing, 3, I was like a toddler going through developmental stages.

Learning new stuff is hard, requires energy, creates stress.

I also always cried in yoga for about the first 6 months. It get you in touch with you. Embrace that, don't fight it.