A new day

[RockJC]

Come on GM. Give me some credit. Of course I talked to her, of course there is an underlying cause. Yes, she is having a hard time with the D.

The big problem is that she doesn't see the importance of grades to her future and doesn't want to do the work. She is pre-occupied with boys, music (one-direction) and friends. She is a normal teenager.

I need to add more structure in the evenings after school and make her focus on schoolwork more. She is a smart girl, with a little focus, her grades should come up.

I was sick throughout January and have been a little overwhelmed with the new custody arrangement, house, etc. I have been giving the girls a lot of latitude to do what they want in the evenings. They spend too much time on the computer, TV and social media. The D is over, and I do need to provide more oversight. On this issue, my W does have a point.

Change is hard.

[ericmsant2]

Rock

but she states it in such a condescending manner that it really grates on me

Every watch Charlie Brown? Remember the teacher?

Seriously, dude you need to change how YOU look, respond and interpret what she says. For YOU not for her. Chances are she is going to continue to be a PITA. It is YOUR job to figure out a way to deal with her. Next time she starts to talk or criticize, very nicely say….”send me an email and I will respond back to you”….then walk/drive away.

Her role is simply to oversee and criticize

And your role is to IGNORE and FIND a way to deal with her. She ain’t going anywhere….so my advice, feel it, let it go, accept that this is who she now is, accept that every time you speak with her it will be difficult.

I am a work in progress and doing the best I can, which is far from perfect.

We all are! No one is perfect…so stop putting that much pressure on yourself. Do the best that YOU feel YOU can. That is all you can ask of yourself.

She is pre-occupied with boys, music (one-direction) and friends. She is a normal teenager.

Ahh….teenagers. Can someone please shoot me! No seriously…we have man, animals, plants and as a separate species teenagers.

I need to add more structure in the evenings after school and make her focus on schoolwork more.

Yep. Just do not go overboard. Slow and steady…make small changes little by little.

Rock as a parent of a 20year old boy, 18 year old boy and 12 year old girl…I have seen a lot. I have been a 50/50 parent for several years now. It is not easy. As dad’s we are not viewed the same as mom (no offense ladies)….so a lot of times….we need to be ever more consistent with our actions. It will happen Rock..it will.

Just be you man. Be a rock for them. Be Dad and show them structure and organization. I know you can do this man!

[RockJC]

Thanks Eric. All good advice. The one that really hit home was:

//accept that this is who she now is, accept that every time you speak with her it will be difficult.//

This has been going on a while. Yet every time I talk to her, I expect a different outcome. I am not sure why I expect something different. Maybe I have gone insane. What you are saying is so true.

Another point you made:

//Just do not go overboard. Slow and steady…make small changes little by little.//

I will have to keep this in mind. I am impatient and want to solve problems. This problem seems easy enough to solve, my daughter just needs to do X,Y & Z. I tend to overreact. Maybe a little patience and constraint will work out better.

[ericmsant2]

I am impatient and want to solve problems.

What can do to work on the impatient thing?

“Solve problems” hmmm…sound a bit like a typical male. LOL. Seriously though, do you consider yourself a “fixer”? Cause at the end of the day 1) ya can’t fix everything. Trying to do so – is not good for YOU. 2) fixing everyone’s problems, never teaches them how to fix their own chit.

I tend to overreact.

I am of the belief that a lot of people do. Chit we all have issues to work on. The key is several steps… 1) recongnize, which you already have 2) come with ideas on how to correct the issue, sound like you have – by acknowledging a little patience and constraint is needed and finally… 3) practice. That is what you are working on…. Continue to practice what you need to do. After a while, much like an athlete you become good at what you have been practices.

Peace,
Eric

[RockJC]

I went Salsa/Bachata dancing last night. I absolutely loved it. It took a few minutes to get the hang of it, but it wasn't too difficult. The crowd was very young (20-30?) and the dance floor was extremely crowded.

There were about a dozen woman just standing around waiting to dance, so there were plenty of partners. They were very willing to instruct a newbie.

The music never ends. It was just a constant mix of Salsa beats (no vocals). People danced until they got tired and then switched partners.

It was very physical. The skilled male dancers never stopped dancing and after about 30 minutes, they were dripping sweat. The woman (girls?) shook their entire bodies to the beat very sensually. Their feet just seemed to follow the gyrations of their bodies and their footwork was impossible to make out.

It was so fascinating to watch these young people move that I spent the majority of the time watching and very little time dancing.

Sunday is the only night of the week I have without kids. I play soccer in the early evening. My game was cancelled yesterday. Usually we grab beers after. I think I am going to start going to the Salsa club after the game. The dancing didn't really start until after 10:00 anyways.

Last night I went with my Brother and SIL. They don't dance, but they wanted to check it out. I am pretty sure the guys on my soccer team would just laugh at the idea of dancing. I will probably go alone next week. Maybe I will invite someone else. Something to think about.

[ericmsant2]

RockJC

I’m Puerto Rican so I can so relate! Hey try meringue dancing – much easier than salsa.

Sunday is the only night of the week I have without kids

Start lining up a baby sitter so that you have at least one Friday or Saturday night to yourself. It does not make you a bad parent. If anything it will give you more than just Sunday’s to go out an enjoy yourself or even just stay home and enjoy the peace and quiet.

You may want to check Groupon so see if they have some dance class lessons around you. Though male salsa superstar dancers can be amazing (I am not one of those :))

[RockJC]

I have done Meringue several times, but don't really like it and only do it if I am asked. I had also danced Salsa a couple times before, but with people my own age who don't really know the dance. What made it so interesting was to watch the young people dance.

They danced it much more like the Hustle (Think John Travolta)than what I think of when I think of Latin dancing. It was all hustle moves with an underlying Latin beat. I love dancing the hustle. I was able to pick up Salsa very quickly.

The Bachata was a little more confusing. Every couple seemed to have a different take on it. Some woman were almost stationary with hips moving 100 mph. Some men were traveling with long steps. Some couples had a lot of separation, while other couples might as well have been making out. The few dances I did were very basic, and I never felt like I was "Getting it". Maybe after a while I will.

Zumba is a little different. It is very feminine with a lot of 'Core' movement. It feels really awkward for a man to do some of those moves; especially the ones based on hula, belly dancing and burlesque. Look up "Paris - Ooh La La Zumba" on you tube. That is not right for a man. I am getting better at it, but just can't do that stuff in public.

I live with my retired Dad, so I have a babysitter anytime I want one. After tax season, I will have all kinds of "Me" time. I just need to wait until then. By then, I should have my Salsa well tuned.

[RockJC]

MY ex and I have been fighting the last couple of days. In addition to being my ex, she is also my accountant. Our settlement states that she will prepare our taxes for 2013 and we will split any returns.

She called me Sunday night to tell me that she has gone through the numbers and if we file a certain way, we will get X, and I will get 1/2X. But, If I let her file the way she wants to file, she will let me keep the full amount. So I ask her how much she gets to keep. She tells me it doesn't matter. I tell her it matters to me. Well, she finally tells me, and it turns out my share comes out to only %25. I explain that the agreement is %50.

She gives me this big long explanation about how she doesn't have to file any particular way, that she is being generous, and that if I don't agree to her terms, I will only get 1/2X. After wasting way too much time and energy trying to explain that this is not the agreement, I finally tell her to process the return however she wants, but I expect 50%.

She send me several texts the next day telling me that I m being spiteful for taking less money, just so she can't get everything she deserves. Finally, late in the afternoon, she calls and tells me that I "Win" and that she will give me my half, but only because she needs the money.

We agreed to these terms over a month ago. I do not understand why I needed to have this conflict. I will be glad when all the final tails of this agreement are closed.

[RockJC]

I left the whole conversation thinking, "This is ridiculous, how did we ever get here". I don't want to interact with her like this anymore.

Last night, she called and asked for my banks routing numbers. I am not sure why, since she has all my account info and I send her multiple checks every month. I gave her the numbers and when I was done, there was this strange silence. I decided to take the first step and said:

"I miss talking to you. How are you doing?"

She gave me a pretty generic answer (like when I ask my daughters how school went), and we made a little small talk. It was very strange. Here I was talking to someone I had such a close and intimate relationship with, and it was like talking to a stranger.

I decided to act "As if" this was a good friend, and I started opening up about my life. I told her what a struggle it was raising 3 kids as a single parent. I talked about the loneliness of being single and my reservations with dating. I shared my timeline for finding someone new, my concerns about balancing my christian values with dating, how much I liked living with my dad, and the financial difficulties of living post-divorce. I told her how much her mom misses her and how much it would mean to her if she could make an effort at healing that relationship.

I talked to her like she was a friend and not an ex wife. We talked for 45 minutes with no fighting, no criticism of my parenting, no criticism of her affairs. I glanced at the clock and it was 12:30. I told her I had to go and wished her a good night.

It was nice.

[RockJC]

The strangest part of the conversation was when she was telling me that she wished I would start dating and find someone new. I don't know why, but she thinks this would make everything between us and with our kids better.

I explained that this has been a big transition for me and that I am working through a grieving process and am not yet ready to date. Her response was:

"Grieving what?"

I explained that the end of our marriage was a huge loss for me and I need time to process it. Her response was:

"What loss?"

I just let it go. She was completely sincere. We have spent thousands of dollars on lawyers and building separate homes. Everything we have has been divided. She has lost relationship with her mom, my family, most of her family, most of our friends and me. She has seen her kids maybe 7 days so far this year, and will see them less than 50% of the time for the rest of their childhood. The relationship with her kids will never be the same, and our kids will need to work through the emotional fallout of a broken family through the entire course of their lives. Finally, our financial security has been destroyed and needs to be completely rebuilt.

And, her response is "What loss?".

I just cannot understand how someone can think like that.