M,

What's this I hear about "lunatic" posts, heh?? I'd say pretty darn close. Nah, just kidding. I like you because you do work hard at digging deep and trying to look at things from different perspectives. This is HARD work, baby.

Originally Posted By: melissag
Would you really have told me to say that??


In my defense, I don't do stupid well. Very, very much allergic to stupid. grin In all honesty, I would have advised you to just ignore H's blatant attempt to inflate his own ego further. So transparent, so silly, so stupid!

My H felt that I attacked his choice of looking for women online, and I would say that yes, that only made him defend it more.

So what? H needs to realize how his actions are truly hurtful...especially asking his own wife her thoughts about his online dating profile. WTH?!!

I was actually believing the things H was saying.

Why would you knowing how irrational his thoughts are at the present time? Do you remember when your kid was 2 years old and said to you, "I hate you!" Did you believe him/her? Exactly. This is how you might want to approach H when he gets into those stupid rants and tirades.

I want to do this . . . but I kind of feel like I am cheating. Aren't I fooling myself if I think that?

Cheating yourself out of your own integrity. I think not. smile

It did feel better on Friday, telling him that I wanted him to take my kids' photos off of his dating profile - because no matter how he responded to that, at least I felt like I was sticking up for myself and my children. For a long time, I feel like I have been letting him just stomp all over me because I didn't want to upset him.

Why would you want to compromise your own values for the sake of avoiding upsetting your H?!! Makes no sense at all. Hey, upsets happen all the time between friends, colleagues, family members and spouses. They all happen because of misunderstandings, angry feelings, or boundary setting. Boundary setting is something that people have a very difficult time because they worry and fear what the other person will think and/or react to it. This is why I stress to you quite strongly to lose that fear when dealing with H.

If I ignore him, does that not indicate that I accept him treating me so cruelly?

Not really. As far as stupid goes, the best thing is to ignore them. And believe me...they DO get the message.

So I can identify why I am angry. But I can't go back to my H and say, "it really hurt my feelings that you said X." He doesn't care.

So what do I do with that? I feel like my only choice is to eat it. And that is making me feel quite resentful. In fact, the resentment has been building in me this morning as I think about the way that my H has treated me lately . . . it goes way beyond insensitive.

How do I reframe that?

By losing your fear and taking back your own personal power. You've been giving it away far too quickly and easily. Do you see this, M?

You'll never guess what his response was. "I am willing to call off the lawyers. I don't understand why they were called in the first place."


Back to the point - he later emailed me and said, "Can we get together face to face next week (name the time and date and I will make it happen) and talk through this? Electronic communication has never been our best medium."

I'd be very leery of this. This happens when the WAS is very desperate to settle the financials QUICKLY. They don't have you in their best interests. They don't want the lawyers involved because they know that they have to cough up whatever is legally required in S and D. In these cases, I would go ahead and meet with the WAS just to listen to what they have to say. Oftentimes, they just pull out imaginary figures out of their own wazoo hoping to pull the wool over the LBS' eyes. Silly!

Of course, you DO need a lawyer to protect your financial interests. This is what lawyers are for, right?