Rise & Shine V

[melissag]

Taking a break from my own cleaning bonanza to check in!

I wanted to respond to what you posted on my thread . . .

I hate having conversations with my H about anything other that superficial issues. He just does not get it and he has his own view of the life. I always leave the conversation. Feeling worse than when it started. My H shows NO remorse for his A. He honestly just does not get it at all. We were talking last week and H was saying that we are very different and that i did not want to do things that he suggeseted. H brought up a time a year ago that we were on a date and I did not want to go to a particular bar with him. He said i refused to go with the flow and do something he wanted. He completely did not understand at time and still does not understand that I did not want to go to that place because it was the bar that my H and OW and coworkers went to often.

He may never understand the depth of the pain he has caused me. But I have learned that this is my H's problem, not mine. He is living life with a major character flaw. I am convinced it will come back to bite him at some point in his life. It does not help in the moment when their comments are beyond painful, but once the emotions settle down I realize that I would NEVER want to trade places with my H. And that makes me feel a lot better.

I nodded and smiled in agreement a lot as I read this.

I feel the same way about not wanting to have any conversations with my H. I always feel worse afterward for one reason or another. But yeah, he does the same crap your H did with you not wanting to go to a bar. My H takes some random conversation or something I did (sometimes even from many years ago), skews the reality of it to something he wants to see, and then reminds me of it years later to prove some point about me. auuggghhhh.

3, I think that your H (and mine) can't allow himself to understand how much he has hurt you - because then he wouldn't be able to do what he is doing. Our Hs are very similar in some ways, I think. They each have a fantasy in their heads of how this is all going to go down (obviously in a way that suits them and where they don't need to feel any guilt and can still think they are awesome and everything is fine), and they get mad when something happens and they can't make it fit their plan.

My H is fond of saying things to give himself evidence that he was right to leave . . . like, "it's just like when we were married, we just don't understand each other," or, "it's just part of your personality, it's who you are." When we had a talk before he moved out, about how things were going to work and what he was going to take, I agreed with his plan for seeing the kids, I told him he could take whatever he wanted from the house, and agreed with everything else he said. Until he said he wanted to take the cat. I said no. And you know what I got? "It's just like always, I can't win an argument with you. You always have to get your way."

I can't really believe that my H is just a total jerk. (He sure is acting like one, though.)
I've decided to view it more like he is limited. I guess emotionally limited. He can only do what he can do, and this is the best he can do.

OK, enough bitching about Hs. I like your idea of being glad you are you rather than him. This time is so difficult for us, but by going through it and learning about ourselves and making the changes we need to make, we are setting ourselves up for a great future. Whereas our Hs are getting what they want at the moment, so they are happy now, but long term they will carry their issues with them. It's hard to see now, but I guess I would rather be me.