I'm in, wife's out

[trc2009]

Well that escalated quickly. Went home for lunch. Gave the kids their Valentine's.

W said she's going to go online tonight at her parents (I'm staying with the kids at our house) to look at jobs. I asked her how it was going. She said, "nothing yet. But don't worry, I'll get a job so you can get back in the house."

Should have just let that one slide off my back but it didn't (hitting myself now). I told her that "her staying or leaving the house is totally up to her but she doesn't have to leave if she doesn't want to." She got really mad at me because she said she thought our plan was for her to get a job and her find her own place so I could come home and we'd do a shared custody arrangement instead of me coming over to the house.

We talked about that on Sunday, but didn't really come to an "agreement" other than her getting a job. Which led to all kinds of other crap coming out of the woodwork. Had to come back to work. She was crying, I was annoyed with her piss poor outlook on...well....everything.

She said if I came back to the house now she'd move because all we would do is fight. But the only thing that truly is bothering me right now is the separation. If we were all under the same roof, 98% of my issues would be resolved. But I can't because she said she's certain we would just fight all the time.

It's hard to detach when I see her every day and we have kids together.

[MrBond]

Then just stop fighting.

[JayMan]

MrBond - you crack me up. However your words ring true.

It has never made sense to me when people leave a home when they don't want a divorce. If it were me, I'd set a specific date to move back in. Tell her she's welcome to move if she's too uncomfortable living together, but you will do you very best to avoid the fighting. That's my opinion, unless there are other extenuating circumstances.

Then, man up, and stop fighting like Mr. Bond said. If you get "annoyed by her attitude", then go somewhere else and do something constructive. Bite your tongue.

[trc2009]

Absolutely. It has to end. We never really fought until she dropped the bomb on me.

That being said, I read DR over the weekend. So much rings true to what's going on. I'm not sure if we're in "Last Resort" mode or not (to my knowledge she hasn't filed for D). All of our days aren't "bad" days where we can't stand the sight of each other.

But I've been putting a lot of thought into my "goals."

One thing for certain is that there can be no more conversations that devolve into arguments/fights. It's like a one step forward, two steps back thing whenever that happens. So that's Goal #1.

We did have a good discussion Friday evening. We agreed that I do have the right to spend the night in the house with the kids more often. So as of this past Friday, we're starting to split time there instead of me staying somewhere else every night. That was huge for me. Home is definitely where the heart is even if you only get to stay there 50% of the time. Better than 0-5% of the time.

Time will tell how long that will last because she may get tired of it. But she knows very well that she can stay or go as she pleases.

Had a great weekend. Stayed at home with the kids Friday night, played w/ them on Saturday morning. Went out on Saturday night with a friend. Had a blast! I've gotten in pretty good shape over the last couple of months. Not quite where I want to be but after going out on Saturday, I've got a little bit of my "confidence" back. Had some attention my way (obviously didn't act on any of it), but it was nice to know that I can still talk to other women without stumbling over myself (it's been a while).

My wife and I exchanged a few texts over the weekend that were very civil and light. And I got to stay at my house last night with the kids. She was already there this morning before I got up to get ready for work. So I guess that's a positive thing.

I'm thinking about other goals at the moment. Obviously I know the end results that I want, but I'm not sure what is considered reasonable.

#1 I already mentioned (stopping the fighting/arguments).

#2 Part of me thinks a reasonable goal is for us to no longer be separated or at least living under the same roof. That would provide so much more stability and certainty for us (and by extension, the kids). It will be hard to work on long-term solution oriented goals (closeness, intimacy, spending time with just the two of us, etc.) until we're at least under the same roof and working toward REALLY improving our marriage. I'm hesitant to put a "deadline" on this because what if we don't hit it?

As of today, my wife is still a W.A.W. While she can seem pleasant and caring at times, I've seen this before over the last several weeks only to find out she's just as checked out as she was a month ago. #1 I can most certainly measure and control that to a certain extent.

In regards to #2, is the 180 probably the best method of working toward us no longer being separated? If I felt she was REALLY committed to working on the marriage I would say the 180 isn't necessary, but I can tell you that I've been using a lot of the 180 techniques over the last week (Friday I fumbled a bit) and it "seems" like she has taken notice of some. But it's probably too early to tell if there is any "measurable" signs if how I've been approaching things has had any impact.

[trc2009]

I've had something interesting happen to me. I haven't had contact with my wife's family at all since the separation started three weeks ago. Even before then, none of them had an idea of what was going on.

On Friday when we agreed that she would start staying elsewhere on some nights so I could have time in the house with the kids, I go a text from my brother-in-law (her sisters husband) late that night to see how I was doing. It was good to hear from someone in her family. Obviously I told them I was doing okay but wasn't really happy about the situation we were in but I was hoping we could work it out, etc. etc.

THEN, I just got a text from my mother-in-law to see how I was doing. I told her pretty much the same stuff and that I appreciated her reaching out to me. Obviously I won't be texting or reaching out to any of them for the time being (not that I don't want to, but that's part of Sandi's 37 rules).

I'm really wondering if my wife is just now starting to tell them about what's REALLY going on. Not just that we're separated and we're "trying to work things out." If she didn't, she should have told them a LONG time ago. But my wife is also the type of person that wants EVERYONE to think that she's okay and she's as happy as she's ever been.

Anyway, it was good hearing from both. I've had a good relationship with my in-laws from the beginning (not to say that things have always been perfect), but being cut off completely has been surprisingly challenging for me.

Anyway, just some thoughts. But it's good a thing IMO because she's simply been relying on three people. #1 The dude that just got out of jail and is 3 States away. #2 The friend that is nice but has gone through three separations herself. And #3 The friend that was having an EA with a guy just last month and then realized the grass isn't always greener on the other side and is now working on things with her husband.

Not that I think any of them are "bad" people because that isn't the case at all. But she's at least talking to some people that aren't clear cut cases of enablers. Her family will always take her side through thick and thin which is why I'm staying at arms length. But I hope it's encouraging that she's at least clueing them into how things REALLY are. Not just what she wants them to know/hear.

[Bunches]

I'm still fairly new at this so take what I say with little weight but I found it a difficult situation talking to my W family. It always seems that things you say to them come back not the way you meant them when they share them with her. Glad that you are feeling good about it though.

[trc2009]

I'm still fairly new at this so take what I say with little weight but I found it a difficult situation talking to my W family. It always seems that things you say to them come back not the way you meant them when they share them with her. Glad that you are feeling good about it though.

My wife actually knows my brother-in-law texted me. She said she was glad that someone in her family finally reached out to me.

I didn't go into detail about much with either of them. Just told them very basic truths. I'm doing okay but am obviously not happy with where things are. That I do love her and hope we can work things out. That we have a long road ahead for better or worse. And that the kids are my #1 priority.

All of those are true and pretty broad. And it was just texting. No phone conversations or anything like that. Face-to-face or phone conversations will not happen until there is definitive proof that she's willing to move forward together with this.

[trc2009]

It really is amazing how GAL helps. Even before she dropped the bomb on me, I was starting to lifting weights again for the first time in years. Honestly, I'm getting back into "college-shape" and it's amazing how much of a confidence builder that is. I went out with friends on Saturday and that did wonders for me. I've kind of dove back into work after being mentally checked out for the last month or so. And as always, I focus on the my kids. If the weather was better, I'd be golfing more, doing yardwork, etc (can't wait for spring).

For those stumbling across this board, that was one thing these guys advised and it is the God's honest truth.

G.A.L.! You'll be amazed at what it can do for you.

Now. Here's a question for the veterans out there. I've done the 180. Other than the hiccup on Friday (but I ended up getting into the house more so it was probably a necessary evil), I think I've really done a good job at sticking to it.

When we first separated, she indicated how happy she was and indicated it's the happiest she's been in years. Obviously that isn't 100% true. I can see through that crap. She may be happy that I'm not there at times because of the tension between us, but she isn't the "happiest she's been in years." From what I've read so far, that's typical of a W.A.S.

I know there is no timeline and patience is key, but do you typically see signs of an impact of the 180 within the first few weeks? She does throw out tons of mixed signals but it does seem like the things she brings up with me are much less pissy and negative. There's still tension without a doubt but she's not throwing out the little barbs of condescension like she was during the first couple weeks of the separation. But she is also INCREDIBLY difficult to read. She's always been very guarded with her thoughts/emotions. That's why I'm laying back and letting her come to me. It's almost like the ultimate staring contest.

That being said, my goal of "no discussions devolving into an argument" is on Day 5. I keep telling myself "BE AN ACTIVE LISTENER IDIOT!" That is one flaw in this marriage I will take full ownership of.

[nit84]

trc2009,
BY no means am I a veteran so take what I say very lightly.

I thought my wife was sending mixed signals when we 1st S also.

She might have been doing that but it eventually went back to her saying we are done. I don't love you anymore and all the standard WAW sayings.

Just watch for baby steps every sitch on here is different in terms of WAS desire to R and the time frame that it took them.

Don't try to mind read. Don't think just because you are M to this person that she will react in the same way she did when there was no strain in your M.

These are all mistakes I made, they set ME back in my journey to try and accept what my W wants and certainly she didn't come closer to coming back to the M.

They may have been mixed signals but remember WAS are also confused they aren't thinking logically, they are thinking emotionally. When you think emotionally, what you/WAS think changes from min to min sometimes. So they may not mean what they are projecting to you.

Not trying to be downer here sorry if it comes across that way.

I know when I was thinking the same as you are right now a little bit of a reality check got me back on track and kept me from backsliding on the gains I may have made.

You are correct in saying that your W is not happy nobody would be if their M was falling apart.

You are doing great by letting her come to you. When she does validate and empathize and above all like you said LISTEN!!

If your 180 seem to be working keep it up. If not stop and try something else. I feel that it is possible that a 180 can work immediately but that doesn't mean WAS in all the way back. WAS must trust that these changes are going to stick before even considering R.

Consistency over a long period of time is what they look for.

[trc2009]

Day 6 of my goal of "no discussions devolving into an argument or fight."

My wife has been pretty nice in my short time around her. I've noticed she hasn't worn her wedding ring for several days now. I try not to read anything into that. She has worn it off an on for several months now because we both started dieting and losing a lot of weight over the past year and I know her ring kept sliding off her finger all the time. She could be getting it resized for all I know, or she could be done with the marriage for all I know. Who knows?

Who here hates Facebook? Like I said earlier, I've done a pretty good job detaching but in "public," we are still very much married. I'm in a job where airing dirty laundry publicly wouldn't be a great thing. And that includes throwing up red flags across the world of Facebook. But of course it's tough to COMPLETELY detach when your spouse posts stuff on Facebook that you try your very best not to read into. Nothing crazy or anything that would imply that we're having problems or she's doing something inappropriate with someone else. But little "updates" that give mixed signals. Anyway, that's my social media rant of the day.

Also, is it a good sign if she's sending me pictures of our kids before I go to bed with the caption that says "goodnight daddy!"? I will give each of us credit so far. Neither of us have used the kids as a tool to get to the other. I suppose that's a great silver lining considering some of the horror stories we hear of divorcing/separating parents using their kids against their spouse.