Sad times

[MamaB]

Thank you labug, I am feeling so many emotions right now. I'm trying to feel them all, I'm grieving the loss of my family really.

I was very upset to get the papers because I had just talked to my H on the phone (the first real conversation since BD) and I asked that he would be sensitive about the papers. He said that he does not think it works like that. Technically, I did not get "served", the mailman rang the doorbell, my kids ran out excited that I was getting a package, I signed certified mail and opened the papers at my front door in front of kids. H never even mentioned that he filed. I called him back and he said they were supposed to come next week.

He did say he was sorry, first time he has said he was sorry about any of this. I do actually appreciate that he was sorry. It also reinforced, that he just can't be completely up front with this D. He called me on the phone to tell me he wanted a D, he could not even say the word D I had to, and now he could not tell me he filed.

He says he is confused, but he is moving at warp speed, three weeks between telling me and filing. I'm pretty sure there is OW, he just won't admit it, it could have some influence to a judge (not much) in my state of Texas.

The phone conversation was really because I had taken money out of our account to retain a lawyer. I felt bad and told him I hoped he understood, he said he expected it, but I think he was surprised I felt bad. We also rehashed some past stuff (stupid mistake). I have gone as dark as you can, and I have really come to understand that it just hurts me when this happens. I want so badly not to hurt so much and I do realize that I need to detach to get there, maybe forgive too.

I also told him that I'm not moving to another state and leaving my D16 here to complete High School. That was the plan before DB, but I want to keep my girls together and be here for my oldest D. This made him cry, he wants the relationship with my two youngest. I see my IC tomorrow for the first time tomorrow.