My first post as I try to save my marriage. My story is below.
My W and I have been married 5 months and been together for 4 years. My second M her first. Im 32 she is 26, no kids involved. last year we lived apart due to my job location, 7 hours apart. I moved back to Tennessee when she couldn't get a job near me. she applied for one job and didn't get the job in Missouri. after that happened she told me to stay in Missouri and not to move back to her. we were engaged at this time. She didn't want me resenting her for moving back and changing careers. She told me she was done trying in the relationship and getting nothing in return. she even told me if I moved back to Tennessee she would never talk to me again. She then told me when I got a job in TN that it was time for her to support me and be by my side like before. I moved back in June and we got married in Sept. We never had any issues until around the start of Nov. Jan. 5 my W came to me and said she would be staying with a friend for a few days as things were not good with our marriage. She was right, things were miserable. Around the start of November my job began to get the best of me and put it before my W and took her and our marriage for granted. I was in a completely new job and field, went from being assistant college basketball coach to head high school coach, very different positions. I entered a crazy situation with a lot of up and downs and my job wore me down. I stopped socializing and working out tow things that we important to me and my W. There nights I would sleep on the couch and we wouldn't talk much if at all. basically three days would be good and three days would be bad. Our house was not a fun place to be to say the least. During this time I said some things in haste and anger that I should not have said. My W became very sarcastic in talking to me and I couldn't handle it. It would just make me more mad and frustrated with her. I was a bad H for two months, I didn't live up to my end of the deal to make my wife feel like the most important person in the world. I let her down.
On Jan. 5 when she told me she would be staying elsewhere she told me she was done trying and couldn't try anymore. She felt the urge to be by herself. As she was leaving I grabbed her and stopped her from leaving and we feel into the wall and she hit her shoulder pretty hard.
Jan. 7 we have dinner together and she stays at our house and we have a normal evening of watching TV and relaxing together.
Jan. 8 W text me to say she came back home to early, has never had such a desire to be by herself and doesn't want to lead me on.
Jan. 8 evening I confide in one of her best friends what is going on. The only reason I did this was to talk to a non-bias friend of ours. I needed an opinion as to what she thought was going on and what I should do. W has now cut her best friend off. Says she can never be friends with her again. She says she stabbed her in the back by trying to help me rather than my W. Says her friend was trying to help me catch her doing something.
Jan. 10 she attends one of my basketball games. Im eating with my mom after the game and she text me to tell my mom she is not being rude by not staying at our place and wants to know if Im mad she came to my game
Jan 11 I attend her game, W is assistant women's college basketball coach, after the game all is "normal". She stayed at our place that night.
jan 12 her sister and our niece and nephew come over to eat breakfast with us and my mother. W checked my phone while I was in restroom and read text messages I sent her friend about the situation. Everything is "normal" to me the rest of the day, W is engaging in regular behavior with me, laying on me, taking a nap with me. Later on that night she tells me she read the text messages and is so pissed it has put her over the top.
jan 13 she tells me she is over the M and if I asked her now she wants a D. Says if she tried right now to fix the M, she would be faking it and she is not going to be miserable.
jan 14 - jan 18 she stays at our place but told me she would be staying elsewhere if it wasn't an inconvenience to her friends. Says she can not handle me being emotional and has no desire to talk about the situation. During this time one night I read text messages on her phone. she told her grandma she wishes I would get a job somewhere else and move so she could start fresh and she made a mistake getting married. Told another friend she wants to be able to get a job and move wherever without having to worry about anyone else. Told the same friend in text, "he just said won by 5, almost blew a 16 point lead, cant wait to see you." I never said that to her!
jan 19 she tells me via text, there is no hope, this is the end, to get a lawyer. says she wants to be happy and being happy is by herself.
jan 20 she stays in the locker room at school
jan 21 I have a game she calls me after game and asks if both of us can stay at our house but one person sleep on couch another person sleep in the bed and she doesn't want to fight or argue or talk about the situation. I said cool you sleep on bed I will sleep on couch, no big deal. When I get home she has a breakdown. Saying she cant handle people coming at her, my mom text her about the situation telling her to fix the situation or just get out of my life, I don't know of any other people coming at her. We had a good convo and she went to sleep and I went to the couch. About 1:30 am she came to the couch and laid with me and said "don't think this means I know What I want and everything is all ok." I didn't say a word.
Jan 22 I went to MC by myself. we went to dinner
Jan 23, 24 she stays at our place and everything is normal. She is talking about our future, saying in a couple of months we can start to starting trying to have kids again, showing me houses to look at for sell, telling me she is sorry for being missing in action and apologizing for being a bad wife and not making any money, saying this is where I need to be as we were cuddling.
Jan 25 she has some friends in town I agree to meet them at a bar later on that night. I think she says something about us to one of her friends and I question her about it. She tells me that is not what was said and to stop being insecure and to just leave her alone. I pursue her talk about things and she tells me to quit following her around the bar and to stop talking to her. She is trying to get away from me and I hold her back and don't let her leave. The bouncers grab me and throw me out of the bar. it was an ugly scene, one that Im almost embarrassed to talk about. Nothing like that has ever happened to me like that before.
jan 26 I try to call an apologize to her but she wont answer so I text her and tell her how truly sorry I am. her response is to leave and I ruined any chance to fix the M. Told me I took away the only place in town she can go to have fun. I drive to her friends house where she was and apologized to her friend and to my W. She told me she didn't what was going to happen next but she didn't want to see me the rest of the week and that she wasn't kicking me out of the house but to just let her know when I would be there so she could make other arrangements.
jan 27 - present she has stayed at our place two times while I was not there and since then has been staying at her friends place only coming to get her things while im at school during the day.
Jan 28 & 29 I asked her when this was going to stop and how much time she needed and her reply was "Idk right now you scare me and I cant be alone with you." She told me she never said she was filling for D but just needed space.
I didn't talk to her for a three day period. She text me about paying bills which I do not do, she handles the money. I didn't reply back for three days but she text me everyday about it. When I did text back she told me I was childish and playing games. I did the same thing she did to me, except I was texting about our marriage and she wouldn't reply. She said you have ruined our M, you ruined my happily ever after, sorry doesn't fix everything, you made me lose my best friend, im not worried about this M. I asked what her plan was to help fix this M and her reply was "Worry about myself."
Feb 5 she told me she would come talk to me about our problems. I told her that is she really didn't want this to work she should be able to tell me to my face, like grown adults not over a text message. She text me later that night and said "Im sorry I cant do this. I am just not ready to see or talk to you." In my mind I didn't really believe she would come over but I was crushed when she actually told me.
feb 9 I talked to her friend she is staying with about the situation. She told me she had an emotional breakdown the night she was supposed to talk with me. She is over the incident at the bar and knows that wasn't me I had a good talk with her friend for about 3 hours.
Feb 10 W tells me she doesn't want to be with me, and cant be with me after everything that has happened, to leave her alone, don't contact her and to get a lawyer. Says she will leave be alone with me to tell me to my face and I don't deserve anything from her
Feb 11-15 I have no contact with her.
She text me Feb saying we need to talk about our apartment, checking account, expenses and taxes. I didn't reply back until yesterday saying I couldn't talk about things yet. I had a breakdown and went to her friends house and seen she ws the only one there. She let me in and we talked for about an hour. She told me it was over and there was nothing I could say or do to change her mind. She knows what she wants and that is to be by herself and worry about herself, family and close friends. She doenst want us to be together and wants to pretend like the marriage never happened. She knows she made a mistake getting married and she tried to fix things but my mistake at the bar ruined things. She said how is she to know the next time I don't get my way or act insecure another bar incident wont happen. I got the ILYBNILWU speech. She told me that the first time too before she came back home. said she cant stand marriage, doesn't like on thing about it. On Jan 8 while at dinner she told me she went to the social security office and changed her name back to her maiden name. that did happen, I have seen her new SS card. She told me she has no emotions right now about us, shes emotionless. has no desire to try or give us a chance to fix things, says she has her life to lose if she does. I asked if there was someone else and she said no but wishes there was so she could give me that as the reason. She was acting very angry and hard hearted. her emotional wall is up. Says too many people are involved and I have a big mouth that I like to air out our business while she keeps things private.
She told me she has another place to live, she wouldn't tell me where and she will come get her things. She wants a separate checking account now to pay for her new place. Our lease runs out may 31 of our current place. She told me she doesn't have a lawyer and wants to finish the basketball season and then go from there. that will be end of march.
I did all the wrong things by begging, pleading and chasing. I am scared beyond doubt and want nothing more to fix things. She is a stubborn person and has always said, "when I say im done with something Im done." She is not a mean, ruthless person like she is acting. She told me I made her this way. I cant believe this is happening. I have admitted my mistakes to her and know I was not the H she needed or wants. I have way more blame in this than she does and she has told me its not all my fault. im at a loss. I have ordered DR and are awaiting for it to arrive. Please help. I have never talked to God so much since jan 5. the one night I didn't was jan 25, the bar incident. I cant lose my best friend, my lil buddy, the love of my life.
Sorry for the length of post
___________________________________________________________ M: 32 W: 26 M 7 months, T 4 years M: 2nd M W: 1st M No kids
living separately 1/26/14 W files D 2/24/14 D final 4/28/14
Cadet - thanks for the into post. I have been reading the boards for about a week now. When will my post be seen on the forums page?
Shortly after posting yesterday I was told she is telling things about me that are not true of me or our situation. Has told people I am an abuser, forced her to get married to me, has known since November she didn't want to be married and told me when I was in Missouri to stay there and not come back to Tennessee but we would still have our relationship. people in our hometown are now talking about the situation and my name is being stained for things I know are not true. She is telling people only parts of the story to make her seem like the good guy. I have no reason to lie, I am searching for answers. But I will not stand for my reputation and character to be ruined.
___________________________________________________________ M: 32 W: 26 M 7 months, T 4 years M: 2nd M W: 1st M No kids
living separately 1/26/14 W files D 2/24/14 D final 4/28/14
Also to add on to my first post, she told me she was "faking it" during the time frame of jan. 21-25 and people made her feel guilty that is why she came back. To me this is script of WAW.
Searching for answers. Thanks for all for the help.
___________________________________________________________ M: 32 W: 26 M 7 months, T 4 years M: 2nd M W: 1st M No kids
living separately 1/26/14 W files D 2/24/14 D final 4/28/14
Update as of today. W deleted her Facebook, removed me from her Instgram, Twitter and Snapchat contacts. I just don't understand all this. I've never seen this side of her. I'm not sure I know this person to be honest. I'm concerned probably more so for her than myself. She's drinking every night and seems to be angry, mean and ruthless. I just don't understand why she is refusing to work in things. To me what has happened are not reasons to get D. It angers me to think she is just sitting in her office or at her friends house know in she wants a D. How can she think this is all ok? To know she is a Christian and raised the right way by The Lord but thinks this the right thing to do.
There is no communication for us. I think and feel like she has mentally shut me off and our R.
I want to make sure people here our situation. I'm not concerned about people on my side, that's not what it is about to me, I couldn't care any less about that. I just want to make this right. But I feel like the people she has told, her parents, grandma, sisters and boss know the "whole" story not just the parts she wants them to here to make her seem like the victim or me the bad guy. I don't have any ill words to say about her, she changed my life for the better and took great care of "us". But my emotions are ones of "man she messed up my life."
___________________________________________________________ M: 32 W: 26 M 7 months, T 4 years M: 2nd M W: 1st M No kids
living separately 1/26/14 W files D 2/24/14 D final 4/28/14
Have you read Divorce Remedy? I suggest you apply the LRT.
I tried to read through your first post, but it is difficult for some of us to follow a day by day account when it's that much. You may have more responses if you shorten the length of your post and just tell the highlights.......at least till you get off moderation .
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi2, I have shortened my post by including the first paragraph only. I received DR in the mail yesterday and will begin reading today. I learned of LRT on this site and have been following it since Monday.
I returned home yesterday for the first time in two days to find she has moved half of her clothes and her futon out of our apartment. I'm more in a "shocked" state of mind at this point.
My W and I have been married 5 months and been together for 4 years. My second M her first. Im 32 she is 26, no kids involved. last year we lived apart due to my job location, 7 hours apart. I moved back to Tennessee when she couldn't get a job near me. she applied for one job and didn't get the job in Missouri. after that happened she told me to stay in Missouri and not to move back to her. we were engaged at this time. She didn't want me resenting her for moving back and changing careers. She told me she was done trying in the relationship and getting nothing in return. she even told me if I moved back to Tennessee she would never talk to me again. She then told me when I got a job in TN that it was time for her to support me and be by my side like before. I moved back in June and we got married in Sept. We never had any issues until around the start of Nov. Jan. 5 my W came to me and said she would be staying with a friend for a few days as things were not good with our marriage. She was right, things were miserable. Around the start of November my job began to get the best of me and put it before my W and took her and our marriage for granted. I was in a completely new job and field, went from being assistant college basketball coach to head high school coach, very different positions. I entered a crazy situation with a lot of up and downs and my job wore me down. I stopped socializing and working out tow things that we important to me and my W. There nights I would sleep on the couch and we wouldn't talk much if at all. basically three days would be good and three days would be bad. Our house was not a fun place to be to say the least. During this time I said some things in haste and anger that I should not have said. My W became very sarcastic in talking to me and I couldn't handle it. It would just make me more mad and frustrated with her. I was a bad H for two months, I didn't live up to my end of the deal to make my wife feel like the most important person in the world. I let her down.
my W returned home Jan 21-25 but then left after we had an argument in a bar where I tried to stop her from getting away from me. I was thrown out of the bar by the bouncers after the scene. It was not a good deal. It was not an abusive situation by any means but one she now feels like could possibly happen again.
___________________________________________________________ M: 32 W: 26 M 7 months, T 4 years M: 2nd M W: 1st M No kids
living separately 1/26/14 W files D 2/24/14 D final 4/28/14
My feelings range from sad, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, embarrassed, ashamed, angry, mad, disbelief, and shocked. It makes me angry thinking about her just hanging out with her friends and sitting in her office acting like all is ok. Knowing what she is doing is not right but yet she is so closed-minded to even try and fix things. From what I know if she could, she would never talk or see me again, EVER! It almost seems like she has mentally checked out of the R.
We live in the town she went to college so she still has a close circle of friends she still hangs out with. I have no one in the town that is around my age who I associate with. My friends from here have moved. She has built in distractions, I have to go search for my distractions, I hate that.
She has complete control of the situation right now but I just feel like she is trying to move on with her life in a selfish manner by only worrying about herself. This shouldn't be about me or her, this is about "US".
My last question, our lease runs out May 31. I drive 90 miles round trip to my job everyday. Obviously if this doesn't work, I would want to move closer. As I mentioned yesterday, she has moved some of her things out on Wednesday. How do I handle this situation?
___________________________________________________________ M: 32 W: 26 M 7 months, T 4 years M: 2nd M W: 1st M No kids
living separately 1/26/14 W files D 2/24/14 D final 4/28/14
