WAW of 4 months; 3+ month EA

[brando1]

I've been reading this forum for the past two months and decided to post an update on my situation and make sure I'm doing the right things.

12/2013 found out W was having EA with groomsman. I confronted both with the love letter and spied like crazy at text messages. Found out he continued to text and call and she snuck out to talk to him on phone. Forced her to move out with her family a week before we relocated. Relocated and two days later found through phone bills they heavily communicated after she left her family's house (who was informed of the situation and forbided her to talk to him and continue her mistakes). Confronted her of phone bill, she lied about the true reasons. Family found out she was lying about everything and threatened to turn their backs on her if she continued to lie to them. She told them about every time they met up (he lives 4.5 hours away and still snuck out here.)
1/2014
A week later said she wanted one of us to move out. For financial reasons, I moved and immediately consulted a lawyer. Filed for divorce and separation agreement to protect my business. Had multiple conversations where she cried profusely and said she was a horrible person. I comforted her but continued with moving out. Had a few connections and flirty moments but no sex. Talked civilly. Found out her mom told her the realities of a R with him and the situation she is in. (Did I mention he's married to my cousin and two 12 girls and is 12 years older than my W (22 y/o). This was the time of her cries and realizations. Found out her mom told her if he was divorced and she was divorced would be the only way she'd consider supporting it. My family starts getting suspicious that they are ignoring all calls and texts and my immediate family knows my W and I are "having problems" but nothing of the EA, especially with it being with my cousins H.
2/2014
W attitude getting worse towards me. I paid the OM a visit and he sped off. Would've hit him if I had the chance, but wanted to sit down with OM and his W to expose the lies. He told W and she got even more angry. Called me like 30 times. I ignored most until I snapped and screamed at her for having the EA. Then ignored all calls and texts afterwards. Met up to get more stuff out of her apartment three days later. Talked civilly and she asked "how could I let this happen, why didn't I threaten to leave if she continued". I responded with because I completely trusted she wouldn't let this happen. No talking in about a week, but I was sending emails to OM, last one about his height (5'6") and age difference (12 yrs). W called me and said he screenshotted her the email, threatened to burn my business down, said she's going to stop this game I'm playing, and blamed me for the entire D and EA. Then took a picture of my business and tried to call. I ignored both. Her mom told me she was in contact with OM's W and *surprise, surprise*, OM threatened W to not contact any family so they can "work things out". My W refuses to believe her mom despite seeing the text messages.
Two days later, thought about texting W about my disapproval of her changes. Turning into the type of person she originally hated because of OM. Decided not to because of "Do not beg, plead, chase, implore..." Now I am going to rent a truck to grab the rest of my things from the apartment and I need to talk to W and may have to talk to her then. I'm afraid I will try to plead with her by saying I want nothing to do with the person she's become. Then also considered if she wanted to blame me for it, turning it around by saying "I take partial blame for your feelings, but not your actions. You had choices to make and you chose to stray." Any thoughts on doing the right or wrong steps? Continue with moving forward and past my R? I'm trying to determine if it is even salvageable or if I even want to try to salvage it.

[brando1]

Also wanted to add in that my W's parents both tell me to move on that her "head is too messed up now" and I need to worry more about myself. Knowing my cousin opened communication with her helps me step away more because my Ws mom has been in this sitch in a previous marriage on both ends. Ws mom helps me out with business things and Ws dad tells me to just "stick the course" of self improvement and ignoring W ("do what you normally would do in a breakup"). W has cried and been remorseful; however, always went back to talking to OM eventually. I see it as her not fully being remorseful or fully understanding the sitch, especially with the recent outcries of blaming everything on me. Ws mom tells me to get the rest of my belongings tomorrow and barely talk to her rather than try to reason with her. Tell her when I will pick things up rather than ask. I read a thread on mind darts (or something darts) and I think that is where I was going with the "you've completely done a 180 and refuse to see it. I want nothing to do with this person you've become". I've also told her before I will not accept her apology until she can sincerely apologize (she cries and says she's sorry but continues convo with OM). She still truly believes we are getting D because we are both "unhappy" before the EA despite everyone telling her the problems that lead to the EA were not marriage breaking problems.

[brando1]

Just wanted to complicate the story more. Ws real parents are no longer in her life. Father passed away 4 years ago, mother is estranged and does not communicate. When I refer to mom and dad, they're her aunt and uncle.

Had a convo today that was very civil. I asked to pick the rest of my things up, she mentioned she had plans and told me to not let her know the day before. I told her to have fun on Valentine's weekend with my cousins husband. She responded calmly so I took the bait. Continued to tell her how I hope she finds happiness and I see this ending terribly for her because of married man. Also told her how we've both changed and how I am not mad at her feelings as I've helped contribute to that. Rather, I am mad at her actions. Then told her I hope someday we can be friends once all this ends because she helped shape the person I am today and I am grateful for that. She called me and said about my "jabs" and that I am "still not listening to her" by blaming the D on the OM. I calmly responded and said we will both have differing opinions. She claimed her mom and dad and counselor told her she would be D because of me and her choice is solely because of me and has nothing to do with OM. (I know this is absolutely a lie because her mom told me otherwise)

Anyone want to shed some light? At least let me know you're reading it? Thanks!

[LITB]

brando,

Welcome to the boards. I see a lot of emotion in your posts. A lot of anger and a lot of controlling behavior on your part.

The EA is a symptom of bigger issues. I didn't read one thing that mentioned the cause of where you currently find yourself.

Have you read DB/DR?

There is only one person that you control in this situation, and that person is you. If you want to change the dynamics of your R/M, it begins with YOU. What are some of the things from your end that caused the breakdown? It is always about identifying and addressing.

[RealityTrip]

Thanks for being there for me today. I spoke to you on my thread, and I truly appreciate the calm you brought me. Gonna get to know your sitch now... off to read, my friend.... thx!!!

[RealityTrip]

Brando... it seems like your wife... and I'll call her WAW (walk away wife) is being bombarded with everyone else's decisions of her best path. She hears what she wants to hear. No sense in arguing. Your in-laws are not helping, don't expect them to... You are very newly married (Oct?) and she is very young. Scary for a woman her age. My advice to you, is the same you gave to me... 37rules. Live those for 30 days and evaluate your sitch then...

But now... LITB asked you to challenge yourself... if you stop looking at her, and objectively see yourself, why is Brando here?

[brando1]

To answer your question, some of the things from my side of the breakdown is the lack of emotional connection. With my Ws past with her parent's D and her father passing, whenever she would try to bring up either topic, I would shut her down and not allow communication. It was a big part both of us contributing. Either her holding it in and me not pressing her to talk about it or she would get so angry that we wouldn't talk about it, so when I would then try, she would remark "now you want to talk and I don't." There was definite communication problems on both sides. This is one of the things I am working on with my counselor and with doing things like journaling and helping myself process emotions. There was definitely a bigger focus on our move, starting the business, and the holidays than focusing on her needs. She told me she's been ambivalent about our relationship for over a year and tried to "force" the connection even on our honeymoon.

At this point, I'm trying to GAL and work on the things I had mentioned. I understand I am partially to blame for the disconnection we shared, but I also know (despite her saying) that I am not responsible for her actions. She chose to have the EA. I told her that yesterday and her response was that she told me multiple times we lost a connection and I "did nothing about it" despite the hours and hours I invested in learning the right things to do to improve communication. Like an idiot, I didn't openly discuss all of this with her while doing it and we never did the things we said we would (spend an hour a day just talking about us and our past, work on things with us, etc.).

Brando is here to have support on doing the right things for himself. To have support of GAL and worrying about numero uno at this point, rather than trying to control my W and her actions.

[brando1]

And I think I screwed up. Before my last ex-girlfriend, I dated a girl for a few months (we will call her K). Being 20 and stupid, she told me she wanted to start hanging out with her ex. I laid down boundaries and she said she didn't want to hurt me but had to do this. We broke up. A month later she called and texted me like crazy to try to get back with me, but I told her I couldn't go back to her because of her choosing her ex over me. Then I got involved in another relationship for about 2.5-3 years. When we broke up, I started talking to K again. Definitely on a friendship level and to help pass the time. It turned out K and her boyfriend broke up at the same time. We hung out a few times and both felt an attraction and chemistry; however, both didn't want to get into a rebound relationship so we backed off. She went back to her ex for another month and then the broke up again. I continued moving forward with my life and K and I didn't talk for a while. A few months to a year later, I started talking to my W and we started to develop a R. K started to come around when she found out I was dating another person and said she wanted to be friends and asked to hang out a few times. My W was uncomfortable about this (and rightfully so) so I started ignoring all of K's texts and phone calls. I actually did it because one night I was away from W and was texting with K and the convo started to get inappropriate/flirty. I was scared so I just ignored her. K continued to randomly text me once a year or so just to wish happiness (when I got engaged, when I got married, etc.). I ignored these because of past feelings.

This past weekend, I know my W made plans with OM to hang out Saturday (of course Valentine's weekend). W and I talked about this and she turned it into an argument. She said things like she will never ever consider getting back with me because I caused all of this. I ignored. Later she texted me apologizing for yelling. I calmly replied that we both lose our cool sometimes and I don't want either of us to be like that. I understand her position and want to have no say in her R with OM because it is with my cousin's H. I also said I refuse to apologize for any of her choices on how to handle our broken R (by finding OM). I also said I will not continue to point fingers about the situation because it only causes anger. Finally, I told her I just want to "be done with this and put it behind us. We both deserve to be happy." W responded that she hasn't denied anything and when she blames me for things it's because I blame her. I told her I wasn't trying to blame her but her reasons don't make sense because all the stats say the most common reason for people wanting a divorce but working through problems are all the reasons she gave me. The stats don't lie but I don't want to downplay the hurt we caused each other. It was all unfair and we deserve to be happy. I meant what I said about maybe becoming friends one day because I appreciate the person I am and she is partially the reason for that. Her response was that it was all too soon for all the problems we were having and she didn't feel what she needed with me. It's neither of our faults. I responded with "water under the bridge. I have to get going. Have a good night." This was all on Friday.

So where I screwed up. Last night I texted K to apologize for hurting her by ignoring her completely. I told her my reason was because I wasn't going to be that person to have a girl on the side while in a R with another woman. I told her I didn't want to disrespect either of them and because I was already in a R with someone I loved, I didn't want to hurt her. K understood and said her recent bf broke up with her because she allowed him to continue to talk to his ex. He left K for his ex because they redeveloped feelings. We continued to talk about random things and K kept asking questions of where I stood with my W. If I was going to push D. I told her I don't know where I'm at and I need time to decide. K said I definitely deserve to be treated better (yadda yadda, all the things people think you want to hear about how much you did for your spouse and they don't care). I stopped her and said everything I did was my choice and I can't get mad at my W for that, but I am unsure if my W is right that we just don't make each other happy and therefore deserve to move past this failed R. I told K it was harder because I made the commitment of M and I highly value that. She understood. We talked a bit more and K offered to always be available in case I need to talk to someone and even offered to take me out to "grab a bite to eat, catch up, then grab a beer". It was flattering, but I know I'm not ready for that with where W and I stand. I guess I'm just scared this may start to develop into a R then W and I reconcile and I hurt K again. So now I have this sense of guilt. K is a beautiful woman that is very caring, but I feel like I'm probably overlooking negatives we had in the past because I am looking only at the positives. I realize I did the wrong thing by apologizing because it snowballed into talk of hanging out and talk of feelings quickly. I'd love to hear some advice even though I think I know what I should do. Thanks for the support and listening.

[LITB]

Always keep in mind when you are doing something, "Does this get me closer to my goal or further away?"

You already know the answer to the previous post. Nip it in the bud immediately before it becomes a bigger problem.

What else are you doing with your time? How's your GAL?

[brando1]

I'm trying to focus on my business and propel that forward. I've been hanging out with a friend that lives near me and planned things to do like going to concerts, etc. I am seeing a counselor to help me work out things on my end with myself, but the majority are me talking about W. My counselor believes with everything that has gone on and my W's past, it would be a long slow reconstruction and may not even happen. She thinks with my W's past, my W would need to go to a lot of solo counseling before a R can start to be worked on or else we'd be doomed to repeat the same situations with R.
I somewhat agree with my counselor and that's why I mentioned in my first post that I'm trying to decide what is best for me. I know my W may be saying "we're just not right for each other" to try to justify her decision at this point, but I need to also entirely look at the sitch and see if I feel the same way. Talking to K will just complicate things and not help me decide. I need to nip this in the bud. Thanks LITB. I really appreciate all the help from you guys.