If and when the D discussion comes up, tell her something like this, "As you know W, I do not want a D. I will not help you do something that I do not agree with, however I will not stand in your way." Simple and straight to the point.
As for telling your children, why would you own the demise of your M by apologizing to them? You are making changes to improve your life and your M. You will not be giving yourself a better chance to reconcile by doing this. I believe you would he doing the opposite by enabling your W. The demise of your M is not all on you and you shouldn't bear the entire burden. She wants a D. Let her own it and deal with the consequences.
Also, you probably have more time to DB than you think. Just because a D is filed, doesn't mean it is over. Not sure how long it takes to get processed in your state, but it takes a minimum of 6 months and 1 day here in California.
Keep DB'ing your tail off and don't allow fear to paralyze you.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Good points here about both the D talk and the Kid talk. I agree!
About time leftover before the final D, I spoke to an attorney 2 weeks ago. It takes 2 months in this state but he told me he can certainly make it last about a year "sweetly" without pushing her buttons (Delaying paperwork, counter proposing items, etc...)
Ironically, he also told me to get the book "winning your W back before its too late..." by Gary Smaley as well the DB book by Michele Weiner-Davis. He told me his own wife divorced him 15 years ago and he got her back after close to a year by "taking it in the pants and not screaming" and practicing true agape love. Very interesting to see I got a counseling session out of an attorney visit. He told me he hopes to "never see me again" LOL
Me: 37, WAW 33, M 13 years Kids: Boy: 4, Girl: 8 Separated: 10/24/13 DB since: 12/14/13 Big D talk started: 1/1/14 (Not served yet) Still living together/Separate rooms
There are a couple of more points I want to make about her: - Her "animal" personality type is a beaver. I found out this means she likes to follow through with stuff and not change her mind too much once she is set on something. - Last time we spoke about the M (2 weeks ago) She said she was getting "signs" from God that she is making the right decision. She said she loves me but she is being "led" on this path. Honestly, what is interesting about this is that since we go to church together, when the pastor preaches, she only seems to listen to the "be strong and it will be fine later" messages and ignores the "forgiveness, love, etc..." messages. It seems she has tunnel vision. I guess this point is moot for me, as bringing religion with her had gotten me in to trouble in the past. - She said "she can't go this far to just regress. Where does that leave me?" - when she said this it almost sounded to me that she kinda knows there is a degree of wrong with the D but she may have too much pride to stand her decision to not end up letting me "win?" -- Of course, it does not help that one of her good friends is against me and event helping her getting the D stuff done.
Me: 37, WAW 33, M 13 years Kids: Boy: 4, Girl: 8 Separated: 10/24/13 DB since: 12/14/13 Big D talk started: 1/1/14 (Not served yet) Still living together/Separate rooms
Everything you posted in your previous post is typical WAS speak and behavior. Don't allow it to discourage you.
I bet most of us LBSes would say that our WASes don't change their minds after they make a decision. I felt that to be true with my STBX. They all married with the intent of a lifelong commitment, yet they have changed their mind. Do your part to change the dynamics of your sitch and leave the rest up to God.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
. I am thinking if she brings it up again to go ahead and speak to the kids. Anyways, this is another point I am struggling with. I can apologize to them and tell them I am sorry for not loving her mom, thus, clearing her from guilt, but I am not sure if this should be the right move
No, you don't tell a 4 & 8 yr old child this! My gosh, you aren't thinking about what that would do to them, you just want to make brownie points with your W.
I cannot imagine being that young and having that kind of information handed to me. To a WAW, talking to the kids is simply finalizing her plan to D. She is trying to make you see that the M is over. Neither of you seem to be thinking of how traumatic this "talk" could be to the kids. They could interrupt that talk to mean a lot of things you aren't saying.
I suggest you do not agree to having a talk with them.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, I agree! Tonight W and I got a chance to sit and talk about bills and our daughter's upcoming bday party. She mentioned again about telling the kids and I told her I don't support that since D is not my idea to begin with. She then said "do I have to do it myself?" And I told her we should probably not discuss this now and let's just talk about the party. To my luck, she agreed!
The question is: what do I tell the kids if she decides to move out? What do I do if she tells them ahead of time without me?
About DB, today was awesome! After the financial talk, she started to cry because: unexpected bills, her current situation(her new job is stressful). I offered to help and tried to hug her but she pushed back at first but then allowed me to hold her hand. Then I stood and told her I want to help as much as I can, just to let me know what I can do(my schedule is more flexible) and she nodded. Then I told her I mean well and tried to hug her again and she hugged me back! It was late so I told her to please get some sleep. And I politely left. I didn't say a word about our R or M so I feel proud of that. Not even a couple of minutes later she came to my room (she never does this) and she asked me to change the clothes to the dryer (this was odd as my clothes were the only ones there) and she never asks for stuff like this (Specialty at midnight). I saw her still sobbing so I stopped her, grabbed her face, cleaned the tears and told her "you are and awesome mom, teacher, person,.... Just think about this as your start your day again tomorrow. Don't let this let you down" and she said "are you playing mind games with me?" And I said no, I care about you. Then we hugged and I told her good nigth
Me: 37, WAW 33, M 13 years Kids: Boy: 4, Girl: 8 Separated: 10/24/13 DB since: 12/14/13 Big D talk started: 1/1/14 (Not served yet) Still living together/Separate rooms
I am going to address your last paragraph first. Your W told you something and you completely missed it. She asked you if you were playing my mind games, which to me means that she doesn't trust everything you just said in this paragraph. Quite frankly, I don't blame her.
Quit trying to fix the sitch by kissing her you know what and enabling her. It isn't helping your objective. As a matter of fact, you are slowing it down, by NOT allowing your W to face the consequences of her choices.
Do you know why we have 2 ears and 1 mouth? So we can listen more and talk less. Time to start listening and validating your W's feelings. Many times women just want to be heard and aren't looking for us to fix everything.
Another thing, the forced hugs reek of neediness. She pushed you away. That was your clue that she was uncomfortable, yet you did it again. It is very unattractive, it is pursuing and putting pressure on your W. Like I said, she doesn't trust your actions quite yet. Been there, done that.
I am sure you are surprised by my post, because you thought you did awesome. Your W gave you 2 big clues and I think you missed them both. The mind games comment and pulling away from the hug.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
What do you suggest I do when she starts crying about things like work and stuff? I hugged her because I wanted her to have a shoulder to cry on. She was reluctant the first time so I pulled back. The second time she reciprocated.
I do get your point about neediness. Just curious what do you suggest to do or say when I feel like comforting her when she is sad
Me: 37, WAW 33, M 13 years Kids: Boy: 4, Girl: 8 Separated: 10/24/13 DB since: 12/14/13 Big D talk started: 1/1/14 (Not served yet) Still living together/Separate rooms
The question is: what do I tell the kids if she decides to move out? What do I do if she tells them ahead of time without me?
If your W moves out, I'd suggest to tell them something like this, "Sometimes adults don't get along just like kids sometimes don't get along, but adults don't get over it as quickly as kids. That's why we need to be a part for now." They are young, so try to protect them as much as possible and not overwhelm them with too much.
The second question, you should address your concerns with your W about telling them. Right now, it is up to you to shield them from this mess. Don't be afraid to discuss it with her. It isn't going to make or break your sitch. I know easier said than done. Your kids need you to step up to the plate. You are their hope.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
What do you suggest I do when she starts crying about things like work and stuff? I hugged her because I wanted her to have a shoulder to cry on. She was reluctant the first time so I pulled back. The second time she reciprocated.
I do get your point about neediness. Just curious what do you suggest to do or say when I feel like comforting her when she is sad
I'd suggest to let her lead. If she wants a hug, let her lean into you. Certainly don't be cold.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
