Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

Thanks, labug Identifying issues is one thing, putting them into action is another. That will be the hard part for me - I like step-by-step instructions and that doesn't quite work here! I also need to keep in mind that there are some things I just can't be and to accept that - I will never become an extrovert, for example. My MBTI is ISTJ (there's that I for introvert) and the J part of me that values punctuality, time and deadlines are important, etc., is not going to go away. My H is a "P" - time is relative, deadlines are relative, etc., and that was an issue we never really talked about, but should have - how to make that work without feeling like we needed to fundamentally change who we are.

Something else I've been pondering - in the infidelity section of DR it mentions something about identifying what the OP has or what attracts your S to the OP. This weekend I finally learned the name of the OP and looked her up on facebook. These are the things H told me he likes about her:
-they have similar interests. When asked what those were, he said "she really likes to read.. like you!" That's interesting because H doesn't like to read. She also complains to my H about how often her H plays video games. My H plays video games a lot, so I'm not sure how he thinks she'd like him more than her own H? I don't buy the interests thing. They way he described it, they each see their current S's in each other...??
-she's attractive. I don't know that she's more attractive than me, but not much I can do about that anyways. Maybe this is about a confidence/independence attractive than a physical attractive, and that's already on my "to-do" list!
-she listens to him when he talks about me and our M. Can't do much about that - I can certainly listen and validate his concerns/complaints but I understand it's not really the same talking to me as it would be to a third party where he doesn't have to worry about hurting someone/me trying to "fix" it right away.

Now that I know who she is, it is SO tempting to message her and say something like "so did you know my H wants to divorce me because he's so infatuated with you? if you have no inclination or interest in my H that way, you should probably stop leading him on." But I know that's not the answer.

When it comes down to it, I think my friend had a good perspective on this. She said my H may not want this particular person - but he has a fantasy about someone shiny and new and different, and she happens to be shiny and new and in close proximity to him every day. "She's not the answer to anything," as my friend says. I don't think there's anything I should work on to be more like her, because who she "is" is not what H has said he wants. But, working on the things I've identified could lead me to be a new and interesting person!

Trying to stay positive despite my H's list of things that he wants to keep, including the house and the cat. It's like his life will barely be affected - I just disappear and take a couple pieces of furniture.