Floatin down the mighty rivers of British Columbia

[LoisB]

Thank you Job and thank you GM.

I'm sorry about the tantrum. Well, actually, I'm not sorry about the tantrum. I needed to let some of that out. It's how I feel.

Sorry about the raspberry though. :-)

Turns out eharmony is kinda like the mafia. You can't just quit. IDK. And, I'm not sure I want to.

Couple of things were/are going on...

Smokey's treatment of D11 really upset me. I know I should be used to it by now, but wow. That was a new low, even for him. And, it made me angry. Really angry. And, I need to vent those feelings.

I have some great opportunities right now (professionally and with the bookkeeper/possible housecleaning), but it also means a lot to get done and I'm scared and a bit overwhelmed. This is going to be a really busy week. I have a lot on my plate right now, but in a good way. I have the chance to build the life I want and it's exciting. But, it's also exhausting and I desperately need to do a better job of balancing the fun and work. From the boards, I think it's easy to see that I will go until I'm ragged, without any break for fun/rejuvenation and that needs to stop. NEEDS TO STOP.

D11 NEEDS to get involved in, at least, two activities outside the house. And, pushing her to do so is a pain in my a$$. I need a break. The winter, the homeschooling, the Asperger's...I need a break from her. BIG TIME. Her schoolwork is going well, she has great friends and we've made HUGE progress. I'm no longer her security blanket. She doesn't even do the nighttime ritual anymore. Next on our list is OUTSIDE ACTIVITIES. Here, I'm a bit frustrated. I think I'd be satisfied with 4H and I could get help with rides. I really need a weekend off. Getting her to go somewhere to spend the night is still a big deal and my mom never offers. She is really the only place she will go for a night. If I asked my mom for two nights, my mother would cringe. I need a god damn break. Houston, I think we just found a big source of the tantrum. I have a million professional things and dissolutions things, etc... to take care of and I'm sick of my 11-yr-old saying she is bored or whatever. It's February and I need a break.

When opportunities arise I'm feeling even more depleted, instead of excited and ready to move forward.

I feel depleted and I need to handle that. I think that's why I took the eharmony thing so hard. I've needed an outlet and a chance to get some of MY needs met. I've worked hard and I need to make time for me.

I have 6 students right now, I'm trying to continue with the tech writing, firewood is a constant need, we've been cooped up in the house, dissolution is on my brain, got the bill for D19's college ($2500), parenting alone...everyone here knows where I'm coming from...I just need to keep on truckin but take better care of myself.

And, there's the decision about the difficult student. I think this family is nuts. I don't want this kid at my house for two or three times each week. This means a huge imposition and issues with D11. But, I need the money.

And, I have two other clients that I have some big decisions to make.

The bottom line for me right now...I'm learning about myself. I'm learning to speak up for myself and ask for what I need and want.

And, I also guess I took it a little personally when the subject of hurting someone else's feelings came up. I would never do that. And, maybe I gave the wrong impression here about what I'm up to.

Everything you said Job, about taking it slow and developing a friendship...that's all I'm doing. I really was stunned how, in the span of a week, I guess just knowing that I'm still desirable...IDK. I don't feel the desperation.

When the forester came along, I felt like maybe this was it for me. Maybe I won't meet anyone that I will click with again. Maybe I'm too old, too damaged, too whatever. And, I really wasn't sure if I could feel attracted to anyone by Smokey. Really.

But, now, I feel like maybe life hasn't passed me by after all and maybe I still have a deep, meaningful relationship ahead of me. And, frankly, eharmony kinda fits better than the other sites because I'm happy to have the screening done for me. I'm sick of jerks and I'm clear that I'm only looking to get to know someone.

Thanks for listening. I need to get busy.