And I think I screwed up. Before my last ex-girlfriend, I dated a girl for a few months (we will call her K). Being 20 and stupid, she told me she wanted to start hanging out with her ex. I laid down boundaries and she said she didn't want to hurt me but had to do this. We broke up. A month later she called and texted me like crazy to try to get back with me, but I told her I couldn't go back to her because of her choosing her ex over me. Then I got involved in another relationship for about 2.5-3 years. When we broke up, I started talking to K again. Definitely on a friendship level and to help pass the time. It turned out K and her boyfriend broke up at the same time. We hung out a few times and both felt an attraction and chemistry; however, both didn't want to get into a rebound relationship so we backed off. She went back to her ex for another month and then the broke up again. I continued moving forward with my life and K and I didn't talk for a while. A few months to a year later, I started talking to my W and we started to develop a R. K started to come around when she found out I was dating another person and said she wanted to be friends and asked to hang out a few times. My W was uncomfortable about this (and rightfully so) so I started ignoring all of K's texts and phone calls. I actually did it because one night I was away from W and was texting with K and the convo started to get inappropriate/flirty. I was scared so I just ignored her. K continued to randomly text me once a year or so just to wish happiness (when I got engaged, when I got married, etc.). I ignored these because of past feelings.
This past weekend, I know my W made plans with OM to hang out Saturday (of course Valentine's weekend). W and I talked about this and she turned it into an argument. She said things like she will never ever consider getting back with me because I caused all of this. I ignored. Later she texted me apologizing for yelling. I calmly replied that we both lose our cool sometimes and I don't want either of us to be like that. I understand her position and want to have no say in her R with OM because it is with my cousin's H. I also said I refuse to apologize for any of her choices on how to handle our broken R (by finding OM). I also said I will not continue to point fingers about the situation because it only causes anger. Finally, I told her I just want to "be done with this and put it behind us. We both deserve to be happy." W responded that she hasn't denied anything and when she blames me for things it's because I blame her. I told her I wasn't trying to blame her but her reasons don't make sense because all the stats say the most common reason for people wanting a divorce but working through problems are all the reasons she gave me. The stats don't lie but I don't want to downplay the hurt we caused each other. It was all unfair and we deserve to be happy. I meant what I said about maybe becoming friends one day because I appreciate the person I am and she is partially the reason for that. Her response was that it was all too soon for all the problems we were having and she didn't feel what she needed with me. It's neither of our faults. I responded with "water under the bridge. I have to get going. Have a good night." This was all on Friday.
So where I screwed up. Last night I texted K to apologize for hurting her by ignoring her completely. I told her my reason was because I wasn't going to be that person to have a girl on the side while in a R with another woman. I told her I didn't want to disrespect either of them and because I was already in a R with someone I loved, I didn't want to hurt her. K understood and said her recent bf broke up with her because she allowed him to continue to talk to his ex. He left K for his ex because they redeveloped feelings. We continued to talk about random things and K kept asking questions of where I stood with my W. If I was going to push D. I told her I don't know where I'm at and I need time to decide. K said I definitely deserve to be treated better (yadda yadda, all the things people think you want to hear about how much you did for your spouse and they don't care). I stopped her and said everything I did was my choice and I can't get mad at my W for that, but I am unsure if my W is right that we just don't make each other happy and therefore deserve to move past this failed R. I told K it was harder because I made the commitment of M and I highly value that. She understood. We talked a bit more and K offered to always be available in case I need to talk to someone and even offered to take me out to "grab a bite to eat, catch up, then grab a beer". It was flattering, but I know I'm not ready for that with where W and I stand. I guess I'm just scared this may start to develop into a R then W and I reconcile and I hurt K again. So now I have this sense of guilt. K is a beautiful woman that is very caring, but I feel like I'm probably overlooking negatives we had in the past because I am looking only at the positives. I realize I did the wrong thing by apologizing because it snowballed into talk of hanging out and talk of feelings quickly. I'd love to hear some advice even though I think I know what I should do. Thanks for the support and listening.
