Part 2-H moving out

[Georgiabelle]

Thanks everyone. Yes, I did have a previous thread entitled newbie introducing myself but I couldn't get it to link( any tips ?). Nit, hang in there. Remember, you can only control you. Detach!

For a little additional background, h is 40 and we've been married for 11 years. We have always had a strong connection because we " got" each other (seems crazy now). H started a new on site contract mid Oct and that's when things starting ramping up. We got very snippy with each other as he had always worked at home (when he worked. ). We never snipped at each other prior to this. We did have a SSM. (I thought I was Wonder Woman. Worked full time, primary caregiver to 3 kids, all housework =A majorly neglected marriage). I was very attracted to h and did reject him frequently in our m. I was tired and probably resentful. Should have spent more time on us I didn't. H suffers from clinical depression and anxiety. I spent a significant portion of our m trying to "fix " that and resentful of the depression and anxiety. I should have not allowed my resentment to build. But I did.

Dec 15, h drops bomb. He can't take it anymore. Mentioned a vacation 2 years ago where he wanted to go on a walk on beach. Would have loved to go but h always said he hated beach so I had no idea he wanted to go. I didn't touch him for 5 months which is totally possible. He felt different about me. Always thought we would be together but saw a blank now. The way he felt about me had changed. Said he wanted to leave. I was shocked and we decided to test out 2 MCs. He told both he didn't know if he wanted our m to work. The counselor we decided to see requested 4 solo sessions with him. His agitation and anger ramped up significantly. I implemented 180s and saw results but I had a deep seeded feeling this was a ticking time bomb.

H has all new friends between 25-28. All asked him what he was doing with me as I didn't seem fun. Said a 22 year old told him he was cute. Had a break down one night and said his entire life changed when our 10 yr old was born and that I got to go to work. Says he never loved me and later said the problem was I never loved him as much as he loved me. H is very sensitive and a romantic. He started an EA with a 26 yr old divorcee at his job. She told him not to try to work on the marriage to just focus on coparenting.

A week ago h said we were done because I used a voice 2 weeks ago and he was angry at the way I behaved after having a car accident with my 3 kids. I called him and he didn't answer. Due to his recent cold and distant behavior, I thought he just didn't answer. Said phone didn't ring. Said when I doubted that he would be there that was the nail in he coffin.

Everything I say elicits an eye roll. My 9 and 10 yr old ask what happened to their dad and will their old dad ever be back. I know you aren't supposed to ask them to move out, but after 2 months of him saying he hated being there and he did not want t spend the next 40 yrs with me, I did ask when he planned to move. The kids cried daily due to his cold, distant behavior. This formerly sensitive and kind many no longer talks to his parents. (He used to chat with them daily )and has told his kids he can't stand being around them. Me? I've been blamed for everything. He moved yesterday.

I totally and completely neglected my marriage. I own that. I always incorrectly assumed we would focus on us later. This was pretty much out of nowhere. I'm working on detaching , enjoying my kids, and working on things to make me a better me. I need to. I want to save my marriage, and I'm living as if because h doesn't want to be with me. He does say he still wants to be best friends. He gets angry at anything I say. Blamed me got a traffic jam and said that the mc was trying to focus on his issues because I picked her. Hates that I'm logical and asked why we should try to save relationship when he heard coparenting was fine and kids get over it.

I love h very much and this has been gutwrenching as you all know. I've done an okay job DBing but have slipoed a few times. I'm really focusing on detaching as I will see him almost daily. I feel horrible for my kids because they too question who this person is. I can only control me.

Sorry for the novel. Part of me wants to fast forward 2014, but I know I need patience and as Cadet says " trust the process ."

Thanks for listening.