melissa - gotta get back to me

[labug]

My response isn't a lot different from what 25 wrote.

Bug, you talk about figuring out where your anger comes from . . . and I see what you are saying. Your example with your H the other day was a good one. But what do I do when my H doesn't care?

Mel, what I did was all for ME, not about my H. I wanted to get thru the anger, know what I was feeling, and be able to communicate my needs having the best chance to get those needs met. It doesn't matter who you're communicating with, parents, bosses, kids, spouses, friends, you do the same thing.

However, it is arguably more important with a seemingly uncaring spouse to be able to communicate with as little anger as possible. You're immediately behind the 8-ball when you lead with anger and pain.

You must let go of trying to change him, and expecting or wanting him to care (your definition) is trying to change him. I actually think he does care, he just doesn't care the way you want him too. People rarely do. We're all different but different doesn't mean wrong. Yes, he used the nuclear option but that's all he felt he had left.

So I can identify why I am angry. But I can't go back to my H and say, "it really hurt my feelings that you said X." He doesn't care.

You can say it but it may not elicit the response you seek. That's where you often get tripped up, you want to change but only if it gets the results you want, which are often unrealistic. (you burnt your solutions journal eVEN tho it seems you were getting results, just not exactly the result you wanted in your time frame)

But you don't have to say he hurt you, the goal is to be able to communicate in a way that's reasonable and not blaming or shaming. He probably sees you much as you see him. Ever think about that?

So what do I do with that? I feel like my only choice is to eat it. And that is making me feel quite resentful. In fact, the resentment has been building in me this morning as I think about the way that my H has treated me lately . . . it goes way beyond insensitive.

Eat what? Do you believe everything he's saying, or everything you think he's saying. As 25 says, he has corrupt data or he has only parts of it or what he lived with that you've now changed. That doesn't mean your changes aren't true, he just hasn't experienced them enough to believe them.

Own your changes! Live them in every interaction.