H is up at his parents (This translates to "vacation for Jaye") Things have been.... uneventful between us. He continues to do laundry. I can see him making an effort to speak to me a little differently, less authoritarian-like. And, here's the kicker of the week, he got me a Valentine's gift and card. The gift is an animated bear that sings. The card says "Happy Valentine's Day" on the front, "Love you" inside and he wrote "Jaye" over the "Love you" and "H" underneath. He gave this to me just past midnight on Valentine's Day, as he was leaving to go to his parents. For years Valentine's Day went unobserved because "Married people don't have to do that."
And this year I finally decided that THIS married person was no longer observing... and then he gets me a gift. Lol. Life is funny.
I haven't of course asked about OW, but I do know he still E-mails her. So, to quote Shania Twain, "That Don't Impress Me Much". ($25 in Valentines silliness certainly ASTONISHES me though!)
And he's shared that he feels lost. That he doesn't know who he is anymore. And I am doing my best to validate what he says. Oh but here's a funny, and I had to really bite my tongue hard. H "called in sick" for Friday so he could have an extra day at his folks. This deception seems to be bothering H a bit. He made sure to tell S20 (who also works there) not to spill the beans. Then H called me to tell Ss17 to be sure not to mention to their friend-who's-father-works-there that H wasn't sick but instead went out of town. I said "this calling in sick thing seems to be bothering you."
And that perpetually unfaithful H o'mine says "I hate to lie, and I hate to be caught in a lie."
I managed to squeak an "Oh. I see."
Oh, and the pizza place has been indefinitely paused. H's mother and D29 from M1 told him it wasn't a great idea at the same time funding became an issue. H texted me his decision and I responded with "I understand why you made that choice. I am sorry it didn't work out."
H, "Well it should have been done years ago!"(As in, when he first became involved with current OW which NATURALLY would have negated their relationship but because I didn't want to run the pizza place and wasn't "supportive" he OF COURSE had to get involved with OW)... another tongue bite... and I responded "Maybe so"
S20 is still wrestling with his anxieties. Currently manifesting in imagined brain tumors. He has gotten another prescription for Paxil, but is waiting until after his 21st birthday to begin it because he wants to drink on his birthday and fears the interaction of drug/alcohol. I continue to urge him to seek counseling and have stopped being his looker-upper. (Times past he would have me look up symptoms of whatever was bothering him so that I could "diagnose" his presented symptoms and confirm/deny his fears. But I've told him this is unhealthy and he cannot continue to use me as a crutch.)
D19 is still in MI with the less-than-desirable BF. I have stopped paying her phone bill.
(Look at me go! Expecting people to take care of themselves, my oh my.)
Ss17 have begun to show signs of senioritis. Which is unfortunate because we've had so much snow and snow-days that I think they may go to school through July lol.
And Jaye!?!
Just trucking along. I finally made the step to tell fastfoodland that I'm available Friday nights. I am still working on pulling away. Because sometimes the ease of life with H scares me. Because if I turned off the knowledge of the As, and shrugged at the nastiness, then I could see the current sitch continue indefinitely. H has begun to sprinkle phrases like "in a few years we will..."
And I cannot allow myself to settle for the crumbs H offers. Even with his trying, and I know that he really is making an effort, its not enough. Our M is hollow, shallow. And I can't see H as anything other than someone who has mistreated me - which makes him unappealing to me.
So I'm looking to pick up an extra shift. (Not to mention that we need the money... smh... never seem to get caught up, sigh) And I'm looking to rock the boat a little, shake up our work, dinner, tv, bed routine before it lulls me into acceptance.
Now I'm morose. Yuck.
So, I'll leave you with a joke.
Do you know why the ocean roars?
.... because it has crabs on it's bottom!
~~Peace~~
Jaye
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
