One baby step at a time...

[2ndTimeHurt]

"I'm going to mind read you a little.

You buy her coffee and lunches and all that stuff because you hope she will see how kind you are and how you are the better choice."

I can see how it looks that way. Like I've said before though, I may have brainwashed myself and developed another agreement in my head over the past 2 years to be kind anyway regardless of what others think. I battle that agreement at times. Also it's not like I'm the only one being kind. She will buy me coffee or make me dinner as well.

"I did the same thing! It didn't work that way."

I did the same thing and it "worked". Not that black and white though. There were many factors that brought her back the first time.

"You have also entered the friend zone. She discusses her OMen wiith you, she gets meals and coffee's delivered to her......... "

The friendzone idea is something that i thought long and hard about the first time she left. She's always said that we never really got to be good friends(dont know why she thought that, but she did). I eventually came to the conclusion that beings friends wasnt such a bad idea. Its not like we hang out one on one, but rather are able to joke around from time to time. She doesn't discuss om anymore. I don't ask questions about him. Right now I'm not in a place to discuss him. I delivered a salad the one time. Maybe it was one time too many. Who knows for sure.

"I am by no means saying be an Ahole . But you are going out of the way ( yes you are, I know what you are going to say ) to get her to see how kind and giving you are."

Some may view it as going out of my way others may view it as me just being me. I think it's a perspective thing. If I was to view it as going out of my way I would be driving her to work when I have our son. Or I would drive her to her family's house if I wasn't invited. And I think going out of your way is on a spectrum as well. Is picking her up from work when I'm going to drop my son off with her going out of my way when her work is at the end of my street? Maybe. The way I view that is our son gets to see his mom a bit earlier and I don't have to wait as long to do other stuff.

"Trust me it doesn't work. She's got a great " friend" right now who's in love with her and caters to her while she has OM."

It might work and it might not work. It did before and I'm sure there are times where this sort of thing doesn't work, but ifI'm able to be happy with myself I think that's the important thing.


"Back off a little maybe. No more lunch trips and coffee trips and throwing out garbage. She's a big girl, she can do those things."

That's where I'm trying to find out what works for my situation. The garbage thing was just a one time thing and I was in a hurry to leave so I grabbed the leaky bags on my way out. She lives in an apartment so she would've had to leave our son or leave the leaky bags. She was cleaning the floor so I just took the bags like it wasn't a big deal.

I actually have been backing off but I'm still trying to find how much I should back off. I asked As his definition of going dim and I could relate a bit to how he viewed it. Also the fact that my ex told me the reason she came back the first time is embedded in my head.


This may seem weird to you, but the way I detach is by seeing her. I did it that way the last time as well. Plus time needs to go by. I don't really know why it's easier for me to detach when I see her. I have my theories though.

I really appreciate your comments though. It's more info to mull over in my head.

All I know is that some of the relationship goals are being accomplished. One was to stop arguing. We haven't fought in I don't even know how long. The other was for us to be more amicable and actually enjoy each others company. I think those things happened as a byproduct of me working on myself. Not engaging, validating, stopping the sarcasm etc.