Floatin down the mighty rivers of British Columbia

[courageouswife]

Also, does anyone have any suggestions for workouts that tone?

I am hearing a lot of talk about planking!


Congratulations on the $20hr!!!
Hope you had a good day!

[LoisB]

Thank Job, Bright, Wonka, CC...

Yes, I was back to those darn expectations. It's like being told Santa is a pedophile. That's how it feels sometimes. "Hey, here's this man you committed yourself to forever and you created these two wonderful human beings together, AND, Guess What??? He's a jerk. Yup. The biggest, dumbest, meanest jerk in the bunch. And, your prize for all that disappointment, hurt, betrayal?? You get to watch your children suffer for YOUR choice. And, there's the additional parting gifts of hard work, single parenting, exhaustion, overdue bills, money troubles and too many chores for one person to finish."

I sound bitter today. I guess I am...Today. I'm tired and I made my To Do list and I am feeling exhausted just looking at it.

I hauled firewood up from the woods with D11's help (and the dog's :-) yesterday and we already need another load. It's cold and I'm angry and I have a million things to do and no motivation. Bluck.

I know, in the long run, my life is wayyyyyy better off than it was with Smokey. I really do. I can see it and EVEN BETTER!! I can feel it in my heart. I have had and continue to have some interactions with other men and I'm getting validation that I'm pretty awesome and my life with Smokey was one of settling. I don't even feel all that angry with OW or paranoid or whatever. I feel sorry for two people so broken they can act so selfishly and hurt other people (children) so deeply.

I think the bitterness comes from Smokey's treatment of D11 this weekend and from my exhaustion.

I will get through it. I will.

Had another small flirtation this weekend. This one was pretty cool. He is a successful man who doesn't drink AND loves Monty Python. Another nice attorney offered to take me to lunch.

And, the nice thing about these flirtations?? It's given some validation that I really am the woman I think I am. And, I deserve better.

In the week since the forester (poor guy) I have gone from feeling like a desperate hot-to-trot left behind woman to being a pretty great catch for some guy in my future.

What wears me out is the stuff ahead. Gathering the info. Filing. Putting the pieces in place. Revealing the truth of how horrible this man has been to me and the girls. Putting it out there for the world to see. It's scary to me.

And, it's a little too soap opera for the woman I am becoming. I guess I'm becoming a woman who really doesn't want to be viewed as a victim in anyway, shape or form.

I have an opportunity to write and tutor. I have a chance to earn some good money tutoring the difficult boy...but, it will mean getting the classroom in order and setting up some really stiff boundaries.

I need to get motivated for this next week. I think it will be a doozy.

And, I'm kinda wishing the Monty Python guy would shoot me an email. But, I'm not blowing his computer up!! Yay Heather!!

Realizing that I'm not only deserving of a good life, but I'm capable of making it happen. God give me the strength to get through this next small mountain. :-)

Thanks for listening.

Love to everyone.

[job]

Heather,
Gabby is correct about eHarmoney.

Also, minor flirtations is all it takes to light the fuse to have an EA or PA. Until you are healed and are absolutely sure you are done and filed for a divorce, you need to be careful. You don't want to get in over your head w/a new relationship and something may transpire that you and your h may begin the process of reconciling. It's not a good practice to have a third party in the marriage, even if he's done it...but you are the sane one here and need to put the breaks on this until you have filed the paperwork. Also, you've got to be happy w/yourself and you do not want to jump into a rebound relationship and still have that baggage in the closet.

Please, be careful w/this stuff. I've seen some not heed the advice we give on this type of stuff and then they return and say that they should have listened to us. Clean up your side of the street and make sure the broom is put away before taking on something else that could lead to more serious consequences.

[LoisB]

I hear ya GM.

I actually thought I was signing up for Match.com, but mistakenly signed up for eharmony. I had been going back and forth and chose match.com for the reasons you mentioned. It sounds lame, but it's true.

I've considered cancelling the membership and not signing up for another just yet. I think I got what I was looking for. I think I just needed to feel out where I was at and it turns out I'm done with the marriage in all ways except on paper. I need to handle that part next.

I have no plans to meet anyone in person. I've only emailed a few.

Except the Monty Python guy. He's funny. I could see myself meeting him for coffee. But, I'd be up front about the situation.

I also want to lose some weight and so forth before I really get back out there. But, this experience showed me that I'm excited for a relationship in the future. And, I don't feel guilt or any sense of abusing my vows. I think that's a good sign that I'm moving forward.

Thanks for your post.

[LoisB]

Thanks Job.

In my defense. It's been 24 months since my H has lived at home. I know we are not legally divorced. But, he has invited the OW to live with him and they have been living as a couple for most of those two years even before he invited her into the apartment sometime this summer.

I feel very little regret about wanting to explore my options at this point. In some ways, I needed to see if I was able to have feelings for someone other than the man I spent the last 30 years of my life with. I'm tired of being alone and this showed me that there are other options--maybe wayyy better people I deserving of my attention.

I joined on Friday and I will cancel tonight.

And, a big fat raspberry to both of you.

P.S. One thing I learned...when you are looking for someone, sometimes it really COULD be anyone. I see that now. If you feel lonely enough and tired enough, it's easy to compromise your whatever to ease the loneliness. I'm not suggesting this makes it ok to cheat, but I have a different perception than I did. Sadly, our spouses didn't see what was right in front of them.

[kml]

I personally don't think it would be wrong - but ONLY if you are actually ready and available to date.

I had good luck on OKCupid; the one time I paid for match, I kept seeing the same people I saw on the free sites.

It's good that you have reclaimed your self-esteem. Don't worry about being physically perfect before you start dating - wouldn't you rather have a man who thinks you are perfect even with a few extra lbs, than meet someone at your lowest wight and worry about gaining in the future?

[LoisB]

I just cancelled.

And, no one was hurt. I was a member for, almost, 48 hours.

And, I'm angry. I'm angry, not because of what anyone wrote, but because, once again, I have to remain lonely while dumbfucc Smokey gets to have what HE wants. I get to stay tired, while dumbfuxx Smokey probably slept all day. I've put my life on hold for his a$$hole and I'm sick of it.

[LoisB]

And, yes, I coulda filed by now, but what's stopped me? Money. I have helped our D19 because He refuses. I've spent so much g d money because he is an a$$hole and refuses to help me and YES I've had it.

I'm tired and I want a break and I want some fun and I want someone to love.

So, I guess I have some MORE work to do. Yay!

[LoisB]

What if I DO feel ready for a longterm relationship. Is that possible?

Not tomorrow necessarily, but what if I'm ready to start getting to know people. I'm good with setting boundaries. I'm up front, as yo all know, I don't lead people on. I'm too honest. Always too effin honest. That's what happened with the forester.

I'm sick of putting my life on hold for this dickhead who could give a rat's a$$ about his kids or anyone but himself.

[LoisB]

I'm sorry... I'm angry and tired.