Your husband wants to control everything - probably because he feels so out of control. And you do not need to explain anything to him about ow and her husband.
Bea and kml, thanks for the posting. Yes, he is out of control, worried and definitely nuttier after ow's h's visit.
In checking all of our accounts (morning, afternoon and evening) I found a charge for what turns out to be a website for Married men and women looking to hook up with other married or single women and men! Their motto is "Life is Short". The fee was nothing to be too concerned about but the fact that he's still "looking" is interesting. The only thing that worries me is that I can't see his 401K. It's in an account that I don't had access to. I will be able to see it in a week or so when he gives me his tax paperwork. He's over 60 so he could be taking those funds out without my knowledge. I printed his W2 and can see how much went into the 401K so I will wait and see if it matches up with the paperwork that he gives me. If I remember correctly, his 401K info has to be filed with our tax return even if there have been no distributions. Do any of you know if that is correct?
Now for my older daughter's meeting with ow over Christmas. First, she refused to go to the house for dinner saying she wasn't comfortable meeting there. She is very near completing her PhD in the mental health field and was anxious to see for herself what a wacko this woman is. She suggested that to her dad that the 3 of us meet without the ow but he insisted that the 3 of them meet.
They met at a local restaurant for what was suppose to be a glass of wine. Ow quickly downed 2 Martini's and was lit up like a Christmas tree. My daughter asked her a few polite questions but as ow got drunker she decided to ask more specific question like how long she was going to be here. OW said that she wasn't sure, that she was just here to "entertain" her dad. Ow continued to talk about what a miracle it was that she met her dad, blah, blah, blah. My daughter asked her a few questions about her family and then asked ow if her h thought it was a miracle too? HA! That's my girl! Ow said, no, of course not. D asked if her h was going to move here and she said that he was looking for a job here. OW also added he could move into your mom's house since there is so much space that isn't being used. WTF!!! My D asked her why she thought that I would even consider that. The ow just cackled and got even more obnoxious. D said that people kept looking over at her like she was crazy!
Ow told D that she would have to come back in the summer and go kayaking with them. Again, knowing about the kayak incident she asked a few questions about the kayaks, if they have wet suits, how far out she's gone and if they wear life vests. Ow told her that her dad wears a wetsuit and life vest but that she never does. Ow complained to my D that her dad was telling her that she had to get a job and how happy she is with her life, the Country Club, her new friends and being at home.
By this time ow had also ordered a glass of wine. D said through the entire hour and a half her dad seemed embarrassed and kept trying to quiet her down. Then he started telling ow that she was full of sh!t and putting her down. D said she's never seen her dad be disrespectful with anyone like he was with ow. Ow asked my D what her dad was like. Really? She's been with him now for over 6 months and she asks what he's like? D took the opportunity to tell her that her dad taught her to be independent and not rely on anyone else financially. OW commented that she was so beautiful and that she will have no problem finding someone that will take care of her financially. D replied that she had no problem with being a with a man that didn't make as much money as she and that money wasn't everything. Ow looked at her like she didn't understand.
D and I were supposed to go to another restaurant in town for dinner after their meeting. When she texted me to tell me she was finished she indicated that her dad and ow insisted on waiting with her until I got there. I pulled into a parking space and turned to open the car door and there stands my h smiling at me. He kisses me and says that D and ow are waiting inside. I almost got back in the car but decided to suk it up and followed him in. He sat down next to my D leaving me to sit next to ow. She's being loud and almost falling on me, touching me and totally embarrassing herself. My h is watching me. My D has the same look of disgust on her face that I have while ow is oblivious. After a few minutes H finally gets a clue and tells the ow that he's tired and it's time to go. She gives me a hug and then grabs my D and does the same. She puts her mink on, yes her mink on and off they go. We finished our wine and got the heck out of there.
My D saw their "relationship" as purely physical with her dad having no respect for ow. The following day D and h met alone for lunch near his office. He really didn't get into talking about ow except to tell D a few details about her previous life. He didn't ask D what she thought about ow but D did get a chance to tell him to be very careful. She's completely disgusted but won't let him know that and has tried to keep in contact with him more now.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Glad to "see" you again! Although your H sounds like he is tippling in the crazy juice again. Not so glad to hear that.
Agree with job, I wouldn't defend myself. Pointless and frustrating. On what planet is it your responsibility to tell your H that his OW's H is in town? Good grief.
You are smart to keep an eye on the money.
Good for you for not dropping your wine on the OWs fur coat. I sure would have. And hug me? No way. I think you handled yourself beautifully. I may not even have gone in if she was there. My "high road" seems to get lower and lower.
So, will your daughter write her PhD using OW’s nut case?
I agree with others about OW’s H. You don’t need to defend yourself.
I don’t know what is going on in your H’s head, but his behavior is weird. Inviting you inside, so you can all sit together and chat... I admire your strength, but do you think you are giving him a green light to play a happy family? I might be wrong here, and it might actually work to your advantage, where he would see the contrast. Your H is in Lala land with all that OW and her H business.
I applaud your daughter for trying to maintain the contact with her dad, even though that she is not approving what he is doing.
M:50 H:52 S28 (my S from previous marriage) M:17 + 3 BD: 06/12 S: 06/12 - H works in another state
Hi all. Thank you all for your support and responses. I'm off to brunch with one of my h co-workers that is also a good friend of mine.
H just texted me that he wants to come over this morning, like right now! I responded with a better time for late this afternoon. His text was barely understandable as if he was speaking a foreign language with spelling, mistyping and grammar errors! I take comfort that he is as nervous as I am. I'm trying my hardest to stay calm but I need some thoughts and prayers.
This will be the hardest thing that I will have faced in a very long time. Pray that I will not lose my cool and stay focused on listening and validating.
I'll be back this afternoon or evening with my update.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Loved your comment about the wine on the fur! It was so tempting and so was pushing her off her chair when she touched me. It was an automatic reaction that was hard to control. If they hadn't left when they did my D and I were going to excuse ourselves. We had a voiceless communication going during the short time that all 4 of us were there.
Bright,
My D has already chosen her dissertation and it doesn't involve skanky crazy women wearing fur coats. By the way, in the area that we live, wearing a real fur could be grounds for stoning. HA! It rarely gets cold enough here to wear one either so it is all for show and a statement of her "status".
My D is a bright woman and also knows how to throw truth darts without being obvious. Keeping in contact with him also keeps her informed of his state of mind. If she sees his behavior getting too bizarre, she will step in and very carefully talk to him. They are very close and respects her opinions, or at least he use to.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
H came as planned acting very casual but got right down to business. Told me that he has decided to file for separation. He followed that statement with he is "just in the process of filing out the paperwork and btw needed my SSN and could send it to him later. He said that the paperwork wouldn't be coming in the next few days or weeks but he didn't want me to be surprised. Then came the justification statement but also said that he wasn't motivated to do so by the ow's h's visit. I listened and validated, added my "that's not what I want" but if you feel that is what you have to do" comment. I asked him to proceed slowly which I think he will do.
He kept good eye contact as he talked and stayed calm. He said that he didn't want to discuss the visit but had hoped that I would have told him rather than let him be surprised. He didn't think it was funny (not sure where he got that idea). The only defensive statement that I made was that I wasn't aware and agreed that it wasn't funny. He seemed pleased with himself almost as if this was something he had to do to take control of what happened.
He apologized for not recognizing our anniversary or Valentine's Day claiming that he was busy at work. Our anniversary isn't for a few more days but I had put the card with his mail and he asked me if that's what the card was.
He talked about the ow and her h and that they were very close to filing bankruptcy. He assured me that he and ow had no community funds, that all of our accounts are still intact and that he was still saving money. When she talks about her woes he said that he tells her that it's between her h and her. He continued with details of their financial state at which I said that it is their business. He agreed and said that there is a wall around discussions related to their finances. He sees the financial disaster so I pray that she doesn't somehow find a way to penetrate the wall!
He told me that I have put up with a lot over the past few years and he wasn't sure why or how I was able to do it. At that point I threw in a comment that things may look different for both of us 6 months or a year from now. He agreed.
One of the last things he said before he changed the subject was to say, "I want you to think about the separation" and we'll talk about it more later. Not sure if he meant before he files the paperwork or after.
The subject then changed to kids, taxes and getting together to talk again soon.
I feel relatively calm and I believe that this was his way of showing me that he is still in control. Idk, mlcers are all over the place so it's hard to know what they will or won't do and when.
Thanks to all of you for the thoughts and prayers.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
A) Please tell me you have seen an attorney already? If not, see one ASAP. I wouldn't just trust his claims that he hasn't done anything funny with the money - trust but VERIFY. Ask him for copies of all the account statements if you don't have them.
B) Why separation and not divorce? It's different in different jurisdictions, but in my state, getting a legal separation was going to be just as much work as a divorce, and would have to all be repeated (at extra cost) once a divorce was decided on.
If I were you, I would see an attorney ASAP and figure out what is the best course of action FOR YOU. Don't worry about him - any extra money you can get from him is money you can protect from OW for him, if he ever comes to his senses.
Also, separate the emotional from the business here. Being "nice" to him in the negotiations will NOT increase the possibility of him coming home. Be civil but work to make sure you get what you deserve. Don't let yourself me short-changed just because you don't want to make waves.
