melissa - gotta get back to me

[25yearsmlc]

Too much time to think while cleaning out the closets.

So when H says cruel things to me (the "I fvcked up by sleeping with you" comment is really getting my goat right now . . . as though it was a one time drunken romp rather than many times of deep talks, family time, him telling me BS about how maybe we will work things out, etc.) . . . I should just ignore them?

If I ignore him, does that not indicate that I accept him treating me so cruelly?


NO. What's to "accept"? He's NOT asking you a thing.

Don't look for an excuse to bitch slap him for "treating you so cruelly". HE does NOT THINK HE is...so your "acceptance/anger" makes no difference to HIM... EXCEPT you will appear to him, to be crazy mean if you tell him he's being cruel to you, when he does not see that.

Yet on the other hand, nothing I say is going to make him see that or feel badly about it. It's not where he is. Or, sadly, who he is anymore.

Bug, you talk about figuring out where your anger comes from . . . and I see what you are saying. Your example with your H the other day was a good one. But what do I do when my H doesn't care?

what is there to "do"? You stop looking to him for validation.

Assume your "real h" is in the Australian bush and til HE returns, you have to deal with someone who has bad data about you, flawed data. Their behavior is not relevant to who you really are. So it just can't matter so much.

So I can identify why I am angry. But I can't go back to my H and say, "it really hurt my feelings that you said X." He doesn't care.

So what do I do with that? I feel like my only choice is to eat it. And that is making me feel quite resentful.

this resentful feeling is self inflicted^^^^...IF he does not care, you let go of that. You don't consume it and internalize it. It's HIS issue.

Why are you "eating" any of it? "Eating it" is a victim's view of things.

What are the 180s and GAL things you are doing for YOU, NOW?




In fact, the resentment has been building in me this morning as I think about the way that my H has treated me lately . . . it goes way beyond insensitive.

How do I reframe that?

How? It's Simple...no, it's not "easy", but it is not complicated.

You say "I sure enjoy creating MY new life, making more happiness and fulfillment for myself and my chlldren.

Your h is not in the equation.

Your sole focus is your children and yourself. DO you get that? Your SOLE focus in NOT ON HIM...not at all.

let that be a goal of yours if it's not available yet, internally...

("where the head goes, the heart will follow...if we let it"...) So, let it.




And to anyone who is interested in giving me input on how to deal with my H . . . I emailed him yesterday (before the text debacle) and told him that I would be willing to try to work things out with him using lawyers as consultants only, but that I would not accept any further shame, false accusations or attacks on my character.

You can choose NOT to feel shame. Does what a homeless man says, the words from a man living on a street grill, "make" you feel shame? Do his "false accusations" hurt you? No, b/c you know that their 'data' about you is false.

Same goes for this. You could have said that a lot simpler. You want to be treated with respect and not have him throw HIS version of the past, in your face every time you two meet. Gee, that would be like YOU bringing up adultery and selfishness and cruelty to the children for abandoning them like his dad did, evert time you two meet.

and we know HE does not want that....so of course YOU don't want his anger, again...if he cannot see what role anger is playing in his Present choices, then he's in denial about yet another thing...but in time he either sees that and cares enough to change, or he does not.

Let go of the illusion that what you say or do or think, will affect him at this time. Save yourself the energy and heartache, and get back to YOU.

I mean, you are saying you will play nice and do what HE wants, divorce wise, IF he will be ..."polite" to you?

Do you see how much power you are CHOOSING TO GIVE him??


(This was in response to the nasty email he sent earlier this week.) I also responded to his accusations in a very factual manner - i.e., the bank account I have been using to pay the mortgage is a joint account we have used to pay the mortgage for three years, etc. I refrained from any kind of defensive or smart aleck remarks (though there were plenty to be made given the ridiculousness of his email).

GOOD^^^...keep at that. It MIGHT sink in...and you'll have remained calm and dignified. Someday that will matter to you a lot.

You'll never guess what his response was. "I am willing to call off the lawyers. I don't understand why they were called in the first place."

that's his "fog phase" talking...laugh it off or roll your eyes (not in front of him) and move on...

So you know how people always say not to have any expectations? I was so mistaken about how I understood that. They weren't kidding when they said "no." As in zero. Less than zero. I didn't realize I would have to drop the baseline expectations we have of all human beings - like basic manners, regard for others, etc.

well, lesson learned. Ratchet that stuff DOWNWARD...oh, btw, on our wedding day my h's Russian grandmother (uber Russian, accent and all. She totally fits the stereotype of the negatively programmed, etc) said to us, "IF you don't expect happiness, you won't be disappointed."

I thought it was hilarious at the time (ON our wedding day!!) But now I see that in her wacky way, she was preaching DB before its' time.

Back to the point - he later emailed me and said, "Can we get together face to face next week (name the time and date and I will make it happen) and talk through this? Electronic communication has never been our best medium."

(Which made me laugh, because, if you're not listening to or caring about what the other person is saying, what difference does it make if it's face to face or over email or by pigeon express?)

Hey, lost that anger. He's saying he wants to be understood, not misconstrued. And hey, you want that too.

So I guess I am to just ignore the fact that he ignored everything I said in my email, and agree to meet with him? Honestly, I don't know what he wants to meet about. Does he think we are going to sit down and agree on money and parenting time in an hour? I am so seriously dreading this. But the alternative is to let someone else (who doesn't know me, H or our children, and charges $425/hr) figure this stuff out. Blech.

Au contraire. I really like you having an advocate for YOU/KIDS...and to me, The alternative is keeping the ugly business SEPARATE from your interactions.

So Maybe give this^^ ONE chance and if it works, great. You saved money and remained calm.

You need "Decide" NOTHING at the talk. You can LISTEN. You can tell him you need some time to process whatever proposals he makes.

If the proposals are absurd on their face, you can say "Wow h, I don't want my emotional response to this 'proposal' dictate my answer, b/c It seems so one sided and unfair. So yeah, let me withdraw from this now so I can KNOW I have not let my pain/hurt, make my choices." Let him ponder that, if he's capable. If not, so what? You still took your time.

IF perchance he suggests a FAIR proposal, you can still sleep on it before answering. And run it by YOUR lawyer.

As an aside, every time I talk to my H, I see the things that we both used to do in our R that were damaging - not doing them myself anymore has really opened my eyes to see just how bad they are. And it's frustrating now, to deal with him continuing to do them. The assumptions, the extrapolations, the little comments thrown in to remind the other they were right . . . ugh.

Lose the scorecard. It never helped. It was always a bad thing for the m.

Now, it'll be HIS scorecard for him to live by, not yours. Let him see how well it works in his next r...

as for You, your road is getting clearer, smoother, as it winds around the corner of life.

Things are moving now, & your life is evolving. Adapt, and you'll thrive. Truly.