Yes, I was back to those darn expectations. It's like being told Santa is a pedophile. That's how it feels sometimes. "Hey, here's this man you committed yourself to forever and you created these two wonderful human beings together, AND, Guess What??? He's a jerk. Yup. The biggest, dumbest, meanest jerk in the bunch. And, your prize for all that disappointment, hurt, betrayal?? You get to watch your children suffer for YOUR choice. And, there's the additional parting gifts of hard work, single parenting, exhaustion, overdue bills, money troubles and too many chores for one person to finish."
I sound bitter today. I guess I am...Today. I'm tired and I made my To Do list and I am feeling exhausted just looking at it.
I hauled firewood up from the woods with D11's help (and the dog's :-) yesterday and we already need another load. It's cold and I'm angry and I have a million things to do and no motivation. Bluck.
I know, in the long run, my life is wayyyyyy better off than it was with Smokey. I really do. I can see it and EVEN BETTER!! I can feel it in my heart. I have had and continue to have some interactions with other men and I'm getting validation that I'm pretty awesome and my life with Smokey was one of settling. I don't even feel all that angry with OW or paranoid or whatever. I feel sorry for two people so broken they can act so selfishly and hurt other people (children) so deeply.
I think the bitterness comes from Smokey's treatment of D11 this weekend and from my exhaustion.
I will get through it. I will.
Had another small flirtation this weekend. This one was pretty cool. He is a successful man who doesn't drink AND loves Monty Python. Another nice attorney offered to take me to lunch.
And, the nice thing about these flirtations?? It's given some validation that I really am the woman I think I am. And, I deserve better.
In the week since the forester (poor guy) I have gone from feeling like a desperate hot-to-trot left behind woman to being a pretty great catch for some guy in my future.
What wears me out is the stuff ahead. Gathering the info. Filing. Putting the pieces in place. Revealing the truth of how horrible this man has been to me and the girls. Putting it out there for the world to see. It's scary to me.
And, it's a little too soap opera for the woman I am becoming. I guess I'm becoming a woman who really doesn't want to be viewed as a victim in anyway, shape or form.
I have an opportunity to write and tutor. I have a chance to earn some good money tutoring the difficult boy...but, it will mean getting the classroom in order and setting up some really stiff boundaries.
I need to get motivated for this next week. I think it will be a doozy.
And, I'm kinda wishing the Monty Python guy would shoot me an email. But, I'm not blowing his computer up!! Yay Heather!!
Realizing that I'm not only deserving of a good life, but I'm capable of making it happen. God give me the strength to get through this next small mountain. :-)
Thanks for listening.
Love to everyone.
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
