AS, Thanks for chiming in. How do you work those quote boxes?
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
How do you guys cope and keep a PMA when u know your WAW is in a EA or PA? My WAW is clearly texting OM right in front of me and the boys. It just about kills me not to say anything. When the boys say something to her about the multiple text coming in she always lies to them/me.
I am completely disgusted with WAW behavior. She acts like a complete saint in front of everyone and all the while I know exactly what she is up to. And what her true colors are. She claims and has always shown she was a Godly women at church, home, work etc. Prays every morning/night, before meals, with the boys, attends church regularly and volonteers in the children's ministry.
But the real her is the complete opposite if a godly women. I don't get it. I don't know if ill ever get it. I down right hate it.
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Now she's sitting in her car, on the phone in the garage and I guarantee you she's talking to him. And again I'm the sneaky, selfish. A$$hole, no good.... Well you get the idea
Do I confront her? Do I let her sink her own ship? What would the DB approach be?
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
Is it a deal breaker, this potential EA? If it is a deal breaker, then you are within your rights to ask her to stop and/or leave. Of course, there are consequences to going down this road..... But by definition, it being a deal breaker and say if she does leave, the result is the same, the R is over for now.
If it isn't a deal breaker, then you by definition have 'acceptance' of the situation. Acceptance does not mean having to like it. However, at that point, you must fully detach, which will be an awful bitch of a thing to do.
So I guess I would start with trying to figure out if it is a deal breaker or not. Without making a decision between those two paths it seems like it would be hard to go any where.
me 41 w43 married 20 years BD 10/10/13 ILYBNILWY.... 4 kids, 21,18,8,6
Also if it is a deal breaker now you might change your mind down the road and vice versa. The fact my ex is dating mr. Special isnt a deal breaker for me although for a brief moment it certainly was. I view it as her going on her own journey to figure out her own demons(believe me she has lots!). It really is a tough pill to swallow though. It f*cking s*cks!!
You have to fight through this pain. Don't do anything stupid. It's kinda like getting a tattoo. You know it hurts but you have to remain calm and not flinch otherwise your tattoo will come out all squiggly. If you're cool with a squiggly tat then flail away. Likewise, if you're cool with having a squiggly relationship then flail away:) not one of my better analogies but you get the idea.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
The person that you see now is a WAS, this person is not your W that you loved and M.
She may look and sound like your W but believe me when I tell this is not your W anymore.
All WAS Male or Female follow a script, it is fantasy, that is their way of coping with THEIR feelings and it is THEIR choice to act this way. As LBH, we have choice also to stand for our M and lovingly detach, validate and empathize. On the other hand, we can choose to say that you are no longer the person I M and I need to move on for my own sanity, beliefs and well being. An A is a symptom of problems that were unresolved during your old M. Again that M is dead. A new one can happen but that is up to both spouses.
When you break it down it is pretty simple, But it is an extremely difficult decision on YOUR part to make.
I read somewhere and this then has been offered to me by my DB coach.
It takes about a 6 to 9 months for a WAS to see the OP true colors and A can last up to 2 years.It eventually happens in most cases, that the fantasy wears off and reality sets back in. No one can predict the length of the A.
At this point the WAW has to live with consequences of THEIR actions.
If the A fizzles out you might be there to comfort them you might not be, that is YOUR choice and YOURS alone. Nobody on here will judge you for YOUR decision. Its a decision that all of us have to make.
I guess what I am trying to say but being longwinded about it.
You have time to work on yourself right now concentrate on doing that. It is the only thing you have control over.
Think of something you used to do and liked to do before you were M but haven't done since you were M and do it again or try something new.
By doing things that MWD suggests you are working on yourself your WAW will notice these changes by herself no need to point them out to her. If she does say something tell her " Thanks for noticing the things I am doing for myself." Go no further with it than that.
From personal experience this is what happened in my case.
I started doing things for me. I thought this is BS, she not seeing it.
Then as I continued to do these things. It became more and more about me and what was good for me.
Then in a fit of anger and rage on the day I decided to move home. My W started to spew forth everything I was doing for myself. I thought to myself SHE is noticing, she not happy about it, but she is noticing. She did say why now and not before? A question I asked myself a lot also. I said I am choosing to stand for our M so that is what Im doing.
I told her thanks for noticing the things I am doing for myself and stopped.
She was noticing that I was not needy, clingy or desperate to get her back anymore.
Things aren't the way I want them to be between us yet but Hope is a beautiful thing.
The more you detach the more WAS see that Geeze, look at them somebody is going to see what a great person they have become and they could leave. They have become somebody only a fool would walk away from.
Me 47/W 34 T 16 M 13 No kids BD 6/2013 W asked that I move out 6/2013 I moved back and W is upset with this 12/2013 separate beds not much talking Served D Complaint 5/2014 W moved out 9/27/2014
Hi. I'm brand new posting on this site, but I've been reading a long time. I think you are getting amazing advice here, and I only wanted to chime in because your post about not being able to stop snooping really struck a chord with me. I was an obsessive snooper and could not get myself to stop for a long time. I had all kinds of reasons to justify it to myself even though it really made me feel so much worse. I think I can safely say that I'm done with snooping, and I wanted to tell you things that helped me.
1. I realized I was giving them WAY to much power by letting their conversations/texts control my day and how I felt. I was tired of letting my life and emotions revolve around THEM.
2. I had no idea what they were saying so why did I need to see how many times they talked?
3. They are texting and talking. I know this. I really know this. I don't need to see it over and over and have it ruin my day.
4. Does it change my situation? He's been talking to her all along whether I knew it or not.
5. This is not helping me work on me. I can't detach when I do this. I felt SO much better when I let the snooping go.
6. I also felt I couldn't be a better person when I snooped. I didn't WANT to live my life snooping and checking phone records all the time. I had to realize how unattractive it was and it didn't help me or my situation. I didn't like myself when I did it. I had to really let it sink in that I cannot control my husband…only me. That's powerful stuff.
Anyways…I don't know if any of that will help you, but I would repeat these kinds of things over and over to myself. Even now, when the urge is strong (thankfully it's rare) to see if they were talking I just get moving. I force myself to do something else. Sometimes just moving locations in the house will help take my mind off of it. I hope this helps you some:) I wish you all the best!
NIT, I have read your post over and over again today I thank you so much for taking the time to write that. I've been thinking all day of a way to respond but I still don't know how. I'm in a fog I don't know whether I'm coming or going, one minute I think everything is going to be fine the next i'm in despair.
I have been crying for the last hour. I don't think I've ever cried as much in my life. This has got to be worse than a death. tell you the truth it's like a living death it just keeps going and you cannot grieve and be done.
I know she is with the other man right now and I cannot stop crying and get it out of my head I want to detach so bad. I hope it will happen soon
I really don't know if I can hold out for six months or a year or more. I know many of you have, but I don't know if I can find the strength
Me: 39 W: 33 M: 9 years T: 10 years S7 S10 BD 10/19/13 W Filed 11/25/13 EA Confirmed 2/2/14 (no evidence of PA) WAW moved out 3/15/14
I felt the same and cried just as much and hard and for a long time. You will find the strength you think you don't have, but you do. Remember, your babies and you are worth it. You're a good man with a conscience. Don't worry about a lack of hers. Be brave pal, it comes. That I can promise. She does not deserve you and you do not deserve her crap. Strength is in you. It is there.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I know she is with the other man right now and I cannot stop crying and get it out of my head I want to detach so bad. I hope it will happen soon
I really don't know if I can hold out for six months or a year or more. I know many of you have, but I don't know if I can find the strength
OneDay, we have much the same sitch. I had easily come the conclusion that an ended A would not be a dealbreaker - none of us is perfect, and the better man would stand by through this transgression. But I was devastated last week when OM made contact again after a month of NC. Re-ignited everything. Made me rethink whether ongoing A was a dealbreaker.
As bad as you and I have fog now, it was no picnic for WW's to get to this point either, and it will be worse when A ends, and it will.
What helps me through this is knowing that if I give up now, I guarantee the worst possible outcome for my kids and that would be long term pain for any short term feeling of satisfaction for kicking W to the curb or bailing. So I have committed myself to be the last man standing. I'm coming out of this with dignity for my own sake and for my kids. High road, baby. Working on me for my best future, with or without W. Working on my skills so that if W ever resurfaces, I'll be in best emotional position to make rational decisions. I'll be able to look any of her enablers in the eye and have them question their assumptions. I also take great solace in knowing that the cowardly OM will surely suffer Dante's inferno.
Is there a clock ticking down out there? Probably, but it doesn't need to be mine just yet.
Of course you have the strength to hold out. You have to have the strength. You are the role model for those boys. You will be able to tell them you did everything possible, no quitting! And you will detach because you will get tired of letting irrational people jerk your chain.
