Last night my ex was taking s3 for the night(first time this week). She came by after work and I gave her some leftovers. We ended up playing rockband for the first time in a long time. Déjà vu again. We really did have a good time.
She made a strange comment. She was jealous that everybody(2 people-me and her friend-not together obviously) was going out last night to have fun. Hello! She went out Thursday and Friday night with cool guy.
I drop her off at her place and offered to take out her trash because it leaked everywhere while she was out. It was pretty gross.
I then head over to my buddy's place. We decided to meet up with my other friend but she ended up leaving early. I was also supposed to meet up with that girl from online. The original place had a line up so we headed to another place and met up with that girl. We all had a good time having a couple and watching a live band. My ex ends up updating me on our son and sends a pic message of him sleeping. I send her a vid message of the band because theyre playing a beatles cover(we both like the beatles). My buddy ends up leaving so I can be alone with the girl. After the pub closes we head out to grab some food. I didnt get back home til 5am! Yikes that's late. It was nice to hangout.
This morning the ex sends a text saying sorry for not replying back last night. She actually had nothing to reply back to. The message I sent didnt warrant a response, it was just a video. We're just texting back and forth random stuff right now.
I'm not feeling lonely right now which is a good thing. Maybe I'll play my guitar or some video games!!
Ps. Anybody out there that wants to reply to my previous post is welcome to.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
2TH, I am sorry that I don't have any wisdom for you.
I'm kind of confused about your sitch right now. Why are you always driving her all over the place? Do you share a car?
What is going on with her OM?
Do you feel OK driving her places and bringing her lunch and coffee, and all the other things you do for/with her, when there is an OM in the picture?
I get asked that all the time, about the driving. People assume I drive her everywhere anytime she asks. That's not the case. I will drive her home if she comes by here to pick up our son or I will drop him off or I will pick him up. We live really close driving distance(5 min) and her work is at the end of my street. The driving I do is very minimal. She doesn't have a car and it is wickedly cold here. I've told her before that if it involves our son I will drive. I'm basically staying true to my word. I don't always drive her but I do drive her when our son is with us.
I have no clue about om and I don't care right now. I don't ask anything regarding him. I think I'm just trying to act as if he doesn't exist. No clue if that's right but it does help to get him out of my headspace.
About the coffee and stuff like that.. Hmm. Maybe I don't think it's that big of a deal? Maybe I brainwashed myself into thinking be kind anyway? I really don't know if I'm not ok with it. It doesn't really enter my thought process. I just do it.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
I did a little reading and I want to throw one thing out there.
You were on a date with a woman, and you video taped the band to send to yourW, while in a date with someone else.
Man, if I was that other woman and knew you were doing that, I'd be pissed! Be fair to your dates.
You are absolutely right. It was rude no matter if it was or wasn't a date. I think at the time I didn't think much of it because it happened so fast. The band started playing the song so I started recording for myself. Then I got her text so I just clicked it over to her. Either way being on the phone is bad form.
Just to clarify. When I'm on a real date I don't ever take out my phone. I'm not ready for real dating hence the reason I put friends only on my profile. I'm trying something different gal wise. Also, I would never bring a buddy along for a date. That's weird.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
You buy her coffee and lunches and all that stuff because you hope she will see how kind you are and how you are the better choice."
I can see how it looks that way. Like I've said before though, I may have brainwashed myself and developed another agreement in my head over the past 2 years to be kind anyway regardless of what others think. I battle that agreement at times. Also it's not like I'm the only one being kind. She will buy me coffee or make me dinner as well.
"I did the same thing! It didn't work that way."
I did the same thing and it "worked". Not that black and white though. There were many factors that brought her back the first time.
"You have also entered the friend zone. She discusses her OMen wiith you, she gets meals and coffee's delivered to her......... "
The friendzone idea is something that i thought long and hard about the first time she left. She's always said that we never really got to be good friends(dont know why she thought that, but she did). I eventually came to the conclusion that beings friends wasnt such a bad idea. Its not like we hang out one on one, but rather are able to joke around from time to time. She doesn't discuss om anymore. I don't ask questions about him. Right now I'm not in a place to discuss him. I delivered a salad the one time. Maybe it was one time too many. Who knows for sure.
"I am by no means saying be an Ahole . But you are going out of the way ( yes you are, I know what you are going to say ) to get her to see how kind and giving you are."
Some may view it as going out of my way others may view it as me just being me. I think it's a perspective thing. If I was to view it as going out of my way I would be driving her to work when I have our son. Or I would drive her to her family's house if I wasn't invited. And I think going out of your way is on a spectrum as well. Is picking her up from work when I'm going to drop my son off with her going out of my way when her work is at the end of my street? Maybe. The way I view that is our son gets to see his mom a bit earlier and I don't have to wait as long to do other stuff.
"Trust me it doesn't work. She's got a great " friend" right now who's in love with her and caters to her while she has OM."
It might work and it might not work. It did before and I'm sure there are times where this sort of thing doesn't work, but ifI'm able to be happy with myself I think that's the important thing.
"Back off a little maybe. No more lunch trips and coffee trips and throwing out garbage. She's a big girl, she can do those things."
That's where I'm trying to find out what works for my situation. The garbage thing was just a one time thing and I was in a hurry to leave so I grabbed the leaky bags on my way out. She lives in an apartment so she would've had to leave our son or leave the leaky bags. She was cleaning the floor so I just took the bags like it wasn't a big deal.
I actually have been backing off but I'm still trying to find how much I should back off. I asked As his definition of going dim and I could relate a bit to how he viewed it. Also the fact that my ex told me the reason she came back the first time is embedded in my head.
This may seem weird to you, but the way I detach is by seeing her. I did it that way the last time as well. Plus time needs to go by. I don't really know why it's easier for me to detach when I see her. I have my theories though.
I really appreciate your comments though. It's more info to mull over in my head.
All I know is that some of the relationship goals are being accomplished. One was to stop arguing. We haven't fought in I don't even know how long. The other was for us to be more amicable and actually enjoy each others company. I think those things happened as a byproduct of me working on myself. Not engaging, validating, stopping the sarcasm etc.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
But I will point out one last thing. You said multiple times in that post " it worked the last time"
But not so much, you're back. I'm not saying it to be mean. There are things we do that could most certainly get our spouses back. But for how long? The key is the long term changes in the M.
When my ex and I were dating, he decided to see if the grass was greener with another chick. I got him back with kindness. But the relationship dynamic never changed.
Obviously, same crap happened, only much lee detrimental this time.
Just another perspective
Good luck
I totally understand that. And that's why I brainstormed what went wrong. I figured there were a few key points that would have to be addressed if we were to make it long term.
I also wrote about the piecing process. I screwed that up pretty good. Our counselor didnt help either. Our counselor didnt help find a way for my ex to forgive me properly. It actually wasnt even addresed and i shouldve known to bring it up. I know my ex really wanted to make it work, but she just didnt know how to let go of her resentment. She had let go a bit but not enough obviously. I screwed up majorly in our first ralationship and I worked very hard to change my behaviors. She saw the changes and believed them. There are so many factors involved in making a relationship work. It really is complicated.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
My ex came over today to visit s3. We joked around through texting on her way over. Probably a good 45 min of funny banter. She stopped by around 2 and hung out for a bit before heading home to pick up medicine for our sick boy. She came back then we headed out cuz I needed to check out some glasses. We both tried a bunch on and it was fun. I made an appointment because it was a holiday and no optometrists were in. Picked up some food then headed back to my place.
Made dinner again and watched some tv. We played with our son for a bit. Then she decided to look through some pictures I got developed not too long ago(the pics were still in the envelope and on a shelf). I told her there would be some she wouldn't like. In hindsight I should've said something positive like there are a few cute ones of us. Anyway I didn't think she would respond the way she did. She got really upset seeing the pics I took where we are all lovey dovey. She said I was manipulating her. I still have no idea how. She asked why I developed those pics and what was I going to do with them. I told her I developed them in response to the very hurtful thing she said to me a few weeks back. Basically I wanted a reminder that we did love each other(I didn't say that to her). Plus I wanted to acknowledge that those 7 months did exist. She back tracked and said she didn't say those hurtful things. I let that slide. She asked again why I did that and that it upsets her. She said a few contradicting things and hurtful things but I just reminded myself to never believe anything she says when she gets like this. I remained calm and offered to drop it. I made a mistake and it's done so lets talk about something else. She kept talking about it but I kept trying to disengage. Finally she relaxed and I could tell she was tearing up and upset. She said she hasn't felt like that in a while. I agreed.
We ended up playing with our son some more and talking peacefully again and joking around. We put our son down for bed and hung out a bit more. She ended going home around midnight. That's like 10 hours she spent with me.
I know people are gonna say stop hanging out with her. I know for a fact she doesn't want to reconcile. I still enjoy family time though. Plus she was the one that stayed that long. It's not like I was pursuing. She left when she wanted to. I just went along for the ride with no expectations. I'm faking it til I make it. Trying to be happy and upbeat. Being a wedge as a byproduct I'm ok with as well.
I know the road to a reconciliation is a long one. It usually happens when you are already detached. Once I'm able to start really dating that's detachment for me. Is there still hope while dating? Sure I guess. No one knows the future.
There was a lot of déjà vu going on tonight. I really can't believe how similar this sitch is compared to last time. My brother even reminded me of it. It's different in the sense things are happening faster and there are more "positives" and less "negatives".
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
2TH, I'm not going to tell you to stop hanging out with her, as long as you are happy with the sitch right now. Are you sure that you have no expectations? It has happened to me a number of times that I thought I had no expectations, but then I realized I actually did and was disappointed.
Do you think you can truly detach when you see her all the time? I'm asking out of curiosity. I know for me, the thing that helps me detach the most is just being away from my H.
me: 44 XH: 42 M 11 years D10 and S8 Bomb drop 9/27/13 D final 7/1/14
2TH, I'm not going to tell you to stop hanging out with her, as long as you are happy with the sitch right now. Are you sure that you have no expectations? It has happened to me a number of times that I thought I had no expectations, but then I realized I actually did and was disappointed.
Do you think you can truly detach when you see her all the time? I'm asking out of curiosity. I know for me, the thing that helps me detach the most is just being away from my H.
I know it seems very weird. My buddy even says that I do everything unorthodox. I do think differently than most people; one of the many reasons I did get along with my ex. The way I see it, if I detached this way before I can do it again right? I've seen many people on here who are still hurting after many years. I was pretty much detached after around 10 months last time. On top of that we were getting along fine.
Me-35 Com law-28 S-3 T-6 yrs w/14 mnth bu 1st bu- 2/2012 Rec-4/2013 2nd bu-10/2013 IC-2 yrs(anger issues) MC- 5 mnths-fail OM~1/1/14 OM dumped 6/4/14 New OM ~10/4/14
