Life's a Picnic

[bustingout]

I really wouldn't know what I would do without this board and all of you here. I want to send my heartfelt appreciation to you. ((( )))

KG I can see what you mean about elements of co dependency and control. I did get my expectations a wee bit up like job said. The baby steps were so different and positive that I was encouraged. Yet- I think my gut knew he was still 'not there'

I think I can look in the mirror and I know what I want. I want to stand. I feel stronger today though. Whatever this was has made me feel stronger to stand.

I can also look in the mirror and say that I want a partner.

I'm also very angry at H right now. In a way I have not felt before. He sent me a text yesterday and today about some credit card transaction I made online. He goes MIA from us all but 50 dollars makes him send a text..? Then he sent a third one today but it was so random I think it was a mistake. Either way I didn't respond- it would be too reactionary if I do. And I am glad I can recognise that now. I can see how I was always throwing down the gauntlet when I was angry in the past.

Right now I see him as selfish and arrogant. He just sent me another text saying he wants to talk to the kids. Then call them! I'm not stopping you. ( he didn't call). But I suppose it gives him the satisfaction to say to himself he wanted to speak to them but they didn't call.

He is so emotional so reactionary and so provocative. It's always about him. Always. His wants when he wants. Always when is convenient for him. He is always defensive. The kids wanted to speak to him in the past and I have sent texts and I get radio silence.

I have to stay in this country at least until the end of the school year .. What I have to decide is if I am staying one more year ( because of my work) or leaving at the end of this one. Needs to be for the right reasons. And I cant leave the school on short notice. So that's what I need to do for us now. I shifting my focus back on me and the kids.

I am angry and it's fuelling me. I know I need to gain some perspective and I will. I will let this anger work through me without reacting to it in fear.

Val thank you for your words of support. And KG I know there are still questions I have not answered and I will be coming back to answer them.

Job thank you for your wisdom into what is going on with H- it helps me so much. I will stay positive. And saying that you think I have been balancing things ok so far helps me too.


I'm actually GALIng tonight. A lecture on Sudanese archeology and then a dinner at a girlfriends house. Not too exciting but it's getting me out.


Thank you too willbewell for sharing and allowing me to share. I share your sentiments about the kids and their absence of choice in any of this.

We keep going. We Keep sharing. We keep growing.