melissa - gotta get back to me

[melissag]

Too much time to think while cleaning out the closets.

So when H says cruel things to me (the "I fvcked up by sleeping with you" comment is really getting my goat right now . . . as though it was a one time drunken romp rather than many times of deep talks, family time, him telling me BS about how maybe we will work things out, etc.) . . . I should just ignore them?

If I ignore him, does that not indicate that I accept him treating me so cruelly?

Yet on the other hand, nothing I say is going to make him see that or feel badly about it. It's not where he is. Or, sadly, who he is anymore.

Bug, you talk about figuring out where your anger comes from . . . and I see what you are saying. Your example with your H the other day was a good one. But what do I do when my H doesn't care?

So I can identify why I am angry. But I can't go back to my H and say, "it really hurt my feelings that you said X." He doesn't care.

So what do I do with that? I feel like my only choice is to eat it. And that is making me feel quite resentful. In fact, the resentment has been building in me this morning as I think about the way that my H has treated me lately . . . it goes way beyond insensitive.

How do I reframe that?

And to anyone who is interested in giving me input on how to deal with my H . . . I emailed him yesterday (before the text debacle) and told him that I would be willing to try to work things out with him using lawyers as consultants only, but that I would not accept any further shame, false accusations or attacks on my character. (This was in response to the nasty email he sent earlier this week.) I also responded to his accusations in a very factual manner - i.e., the bank account I have been using to pay the mortgage is a joint account we have used to pay the mortgage for three years, etc. I refrained from any kind of defensive or smart aleck remarks (though there were plenty to be made given the ridiculousness of his email).

You'll never guess what his response was. "I am willing to call off the lawyers. I don't understand why they were called in the first place."

So you know how people always say not to have any expectations? I was so mistaken about how I understood that. They weren't kidding when they said "no." As in zero. Less than zero. I didn't realize I would have to drop the baseline expectations we have of all human beings - like basic manners, regard for others, etc.

Back to the point - he later emailed me and said, "Can we get together face to face next week (name the time and date and I will make it happen) and talk through this? Electronic communication has never been our best medium."

(Which made me laugh, because, if you're not listening to or caring about what the other person is saying, what difference does it make if it's face to face or over email or by pigeon express?)

So I guess I am to just ignore the fact that he ignored everything I said in my email, and agree to meet with him? Honestly, I don't know what he wants to meet about. Does he think we are going to sit down and agree on money and parenting time in an hour? I am so seriously dreading this. But the alternative is to let someone else (who doesn't know me, H or our children, and charges $425/hr) figure this stuff out. Blech.

As an aside, every time I talk to my H, I see the things that we both used to do in our R that were damaging - not doing them myself anymore has really opened my eyes to see just how bad they are. And it's frustrating now, to deal with him continuing to do them. The assumptions, the extrapolations, the little comments thrown in to remind the other they were right . . . ugh.