Four weeks in, hopeful but just starting!

[KGirl]

Thanks, labug. It makes sense. Are you a social scientist IRL? . Taking time to think always helps, so I just need to get "through the moment" so to speak. I've certainly done things in the past two months that would look like I'm planning for a D (looking at apartments, reading articles about being under 30 and divorced, etc.) when in fact that's not what I want, so it could be just as well that H's list of "possessions" is sorting through what's going on in his head and having some kind of control over it. But you're right, it shouldn't mean anything unless he actually brings it up... it's a tough thing.

Enough about him, here are the things I'll continue to work on!

-work on being less controlling. I've got books on the subject to continue reading, have identified where I struggle, now it's matter of putting the plan into action. I didn't realize how much this affects my life even outside of my M. At work, for example, I used to work in a unit where 6-7 other people did the same thing I did, and I would get so frustrated with how they did things (that they weren't up to my "standards") that I took a new job in August where I didn't like the content as much, but I could work completely independently. At least this was a healthier way of dealing with my environment, rather than gossip/complain behind people's backs (which is what I'd been doing for a year or so before I left - I even got in trouble for it). I'd also do the whole "helping-persecuting-victim" cycle mentioned in CDNM with my students. They'd come ask me about something, we'd talk about it, and then they'd go do the opposite because "they'd just work harder and it'd be fine". I'd get so resentful - why were they bothering coming to me for help if they weren't going to listen? And then when they'd come back later and acknowledge it didn't work out, I'd still be resentful in my head. I'm sure it came out in my demeanor. My IC and I have talked about accepting that people will do things you don't want, and when it fails, it's not your fault, and to not be resentful. Same with H. I can't control this journey he's on, best I can do is work on myself, be the spouse only a fool would leave that everyone talks about it, and maybe it will change things but maybe it will not.

-work on less worrying! I worry, worry, worry all the time. Preparing is OK, worrying is not. And I think I've done all that I can do to prepare for a D given the current situation. I know what things I would want and what I would find fair in terms of personal items, I know how I would want to handle the house situation, and I've identified several apartment buildings that I'd be OK with living in providing there are openings at that time. I don't think there's much else I can or need to do at this point.

-work on dependency. My SIL's husband is in the military, and I distinctly remember saying something to my H not too long ago about how I would never have been able to be w/ someone who had to get deployed because I wouldn't be able to handle the separation. Clearly plenty of people can do this in a healthy way... so I've got some stuff to figure out there. Namely how to be OK on my own and not rely on someone else to "complete" me, but rather "complement" me!

-Working out and eating well. I wouldn't consider myself overweight (5' 2'', 140 lbs.) but safe to say I've let myself go in the past several years.

-con't to do things on my own or with friends to be happy and fulfilled w/out H participating. I've joined a friend's book group, I'm doing a two night class next week on floral design ('cause why not?), and I have a short list of projects/places I want to go that I can refer to when I'm feeling lonely or bored (like, finish a scarf I never finished, or go to a nearby museum for a short-term exhibit they're having).