I may have done too much

[D2ndday]

Thank you LT, I am trying. That is exactly how I have been feeling. I have read both DR and DB. Its hard for me to stay focused on it sometimes. I feel like the W is so messed up emotionally that it is hard for me to see what's real.

I am continuing my life and improvements. I find it hard because I feel my desires to work on our marriage are fading. We are growing further apart. I have been feeling a lot more confident in my life, which is nice. But, I feel like there is also almost an arrogance that has come with it. Like, "I deserve better than this. You want out, fine, go! I don't need you! You think the grass in greener, you fool!" I would not say this, and I try not to project that, but I think it more often these days.

I've read many stories here, and I keep thinking, we don't have kids, we don't have an obligation in that way to each other. Sure we have a house, we cant afford alone, we have pets we both love. But, that's it. I also guess I think, here is someone who called it quits when things got hard, would I be able to, or do I want to, be with someone like that. I mean I still love her, and wish things had played out differently. Its just hard not to think about this sometimes. Its like, what am I doing? What is my goal? Could we ever re-find each other. I don't know.

She is more open about her plans in advance, as far as letting me know when she will not be staying here. She has been staying at his place a few nights a week now. We did sit down and talk about taxes and how we are going to manage the joint account now. I am no longer dumping my whole check in there. It goes to my account and I put in just enough to cover our joint bills like Mortgage, insurance, etc. I made it clear I am not wanting to take over the mortgage, and that we will need to sell. I also explained this will take a lot of time since the market is so poor. If we tried to sell now, we would still owe, since we would be selling at a loss. I backed off after that since it was planning, and because it was not essential to discuss right then. Taxes and finances were.

Patience is so hard for me. I am a planner, and a do'er. So, not planning, not pushing this or knowing what will happen next is hard. I am taking care of myself, but with us, it is hard because I feel like I have to just sit in it, while she goes out with him.

I will say, I did make it through valentines day. That was a big obstacle in my mind, and all the valentine propaganda out there did not make it easier. Before valentines, it seemed a much bigger obstacle, but I am still here. I am a romantic, and I have always gone all out on that day. It was hard not doing that. Although she did stay here that night, which was kind of nice. Took a little of the edge off.

I am watching for any changes in her behavior out of the corner of my eye. With her, it is hard because she can fake happiness very well. So, she acts friendly with me, but I cant tell if she is just faking it to make things here, more tolerable.

Ok, I am done for now, back to what's next for today. Refocusing, and just hoping.