Reaching out for support and advice 3

[juliegayle]

Blues. Once again that list is 99% my h as well. The big difference is that I don't sense the tears or sadness below the surface just anger. I wonder if that little % makes the difference between mlc or not.

I like your inventory of your self worth. I know this is hard but it sounds like you are doing really well.

[bluesgal]

Oy, My GAL activities are awesome. I am out several days a week with the kids at games, out to eat. On the weekends I go to parties, up to my parents cabin, I'm doing an exercise charity event with a friend this weekend. I've been getting much more involved at church. Shopping has been a fun one. I am GAL like crazy.

The tough part comes to me out of principle sometimes. I start to feel like, why does he get away with this? Why should I put up with this? Then the hurt. Only people down this road truly understand how it hurts to have all you good memories erased and rewritten. It sometimes feels like H has stolen a piece of me.

I typically have much stronger days. I had a great talk with my dad last night. His advice typically falls under DB advice. He said to basically forget about H. Move on and if he decides to show up down the road and is ready to do the work, then I can decide if I'm up for it at that time. Otherwise, forget about him. It makes it easier to have that attitude.

Him blaming me is a real button pusher that I have to work really hard to ignore lately. I have to make myself shrug my shoulders and say to myself 'whatever'. Part of the frustration of it is the untruths and the other is with myself for having engaged in arguing with him and calling him out over the last months to just allow him to have leverage to keep blaming.

Sometimes DB makes sense and sometimes it defies all my instincts. There are days when I need to learn to smile and shut up.

[3boymom]

It sounds like you are going great Blues! GAL activities definitely keep your mind from wondering and thinking about the situation.

[bluesgal]

Thanks 3. Yes, GAL gets me out of the house and mind off sitch...for the most part.

I have a new sense of independence running the entire household and handling the kids on my own. H is missing so much. He will never understand the hurt he has caused us all.

I try to forgive resentments daily. I am trying to finally turn the chapter to ME. I want to do self care. Back to exercising, eating well, prayer, sleep, and occas pampering. I'm ready to read fiction again and enjoy reading a story instead of just how to...(get your life out of a $**thole)books and CD's. I have been so preoccupied for months trying to analyze and fix that I have stopped taking care of me. I go out and do things, but have not cared for myself. I am so excited

My dad was so comforting in helping me continue on my path of letting go. I am so blessed to have great people in my life.

[25yearsmlc]

Oy, My GAL activities are awesome. I am out several days a week with the kids at games, out to eat. On the weekends I go to parties, up to my parents cabin, I'm doing an exercise charity event with a friend this weekend. I've been getting much more involved at church. Shopping has been a fun one. I am GAL like crazy.

I sure love reading this^^^. Overcoming inertia seems the hardest part. Bravo!!

The tough part comes to me out of principle sometimes. I start to feel like, why does he get away with this? Why should I put up with this?


I Understand this^^ completely. When you begin to go down the road of "This is SO UNFAIR", I try to remind myself of what is happening, big picture, globally, to get perspective.
You want 'Unfair"? Go to Africa....

fear that your h is dead/missing/taken prisoner/forced to join a rebel army or die
fear that your sons are being recruited to join a war you have no part in

or your d or you are getting raped, denied the vote, right to worship whom or where or when you want, the right to dress as you wish, instead of covering yourself, the right to work, travel, go OUT without a male relative,

you have food in your refrigerator, (you HAVE a refrigerator AND electricity)

and you can take nice hot baths b/c you have indoor plumbing with clean water...I realized these things when I was pregnant but hospitalized when pregnant for our 2nd d. I saw a full moon and it hit me that all over the world there were other women looking at that moon, and I wondered how THEY were doing...surely some were pregnant, like me.

Were they in a hospital? If there was a problem in the birth, would THEY have an MD (or 4) taking care of them, in a sterile place with all the supplies needed?
Did they know where their h;s were...as in, alive or dead or kidnapped?

And I suddenly realized that just by being HERE in the USA and being able to read, literally put me in the top 5% of women worldwide...

So years later, when I would feel so sad about my situation and I'd say "OMG H is leaving me/us!",

I'd hear a tiny voice in the back of my head saying "and you can survive this, and a lot more..."

I know that you know there are tons of folks who are worse off and it only helps you a little bit or for two minutes...but bear it in mind. It makes me sort of admire my gender more. All the women in the world with so much less, still moving forward.

I never imagine them wailing for a week or two, before moving on, when they are mourning a DEATH, not a h leaving them for OW or MLC or whatever,

b/c I think they get the BIG picture. This is so hard and so sad to us, but it's NOT life and death.


Then the hurt. Only people down this road truly understand how it hurts to have all you good memories erased and rewritten. It sometimes feels like H has stolen a piece of me.


Take it back internally. It's YOUR memories that count, not his revisions.

I typically have much stronger days. I had a great talk with my dad last night. His advice typically falls under DB advice. He said to basically forget about H. Move on and if he decides to show up down the road and is ready to do the work, then I can decide if I'm up for it at that time. Otherwise, forget about him. It makes it easier to have that attitude.

Totally agreement with this ^^^.

Him blaming me is a real button pusher that I have to work really hard to ignore lately. I have to make myself shrug my shoulders and say to myself 'whatever'. Part of the frustration of it is the untruths and the other is with myself for having engaged in arguing with him and calling him out over the last months to just allow him to have leverage to keep blaming.

When your h revises things and you inwardly concede that at least some of what he's saying is true,
you can reply with
"H, I recall that & I'm sorry I did x/hurt you. If I had it to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

If he revises things to the point of lying, or you literally have no idea what he's talking about, do Not deny the event (b/c your memory is not perfect and if you happen to be wrong when you deny an event, you lose big time).

So Say
"Wow h, I don't recall it that way at all, but I'm sorry you were hurt. If I had it all to do over again, there are lots of things I'd do differently."

These^^ answers do Not escalate things, or make you a doormat, and they both show change and awareness on your part. That is key.

Sometimes DB makes sense and sometimes it defies all my instincts. There are days when I need to learn to smile and shut up.

Earlier, you wrote:


I'm thinking about setting a timeline for my sanity. Give this sitch 'X' amount of time to show improvement or move on with my life.

Things are just always getting worse instead of better. Our relationship has nothing left to build on because he has robbed it of all good. He is angry, resentful, hostile, and negative. I am tiring.


I wanted to let you know that an internal, unspoken (?) timeline IS a good idea. I had one b/c I needed to know that at some point in my life, there'd be no more ambiguity/limbo.

We had d16 in high school when h began to live elsewhere. A junior in HS so I knew that nothing would get me to move her while she was in high school. We had been in the military so long that the one promise we made to our kids was NOT moving while in high school, or at least the last 3 years of it would be unchanged. So for ME, 2 years was my outer limit.

And when the two year mark approached with d16 (then 18) graduating, h had begun his awakening. MAYBE he suspected a timeline but I doubt it.

I think he sensed MY moving on and noticed how contrasting the life he created was, with the life he was leaving behind. In HIS world, there were fewer friends and no family and it was cold and dark. In OUR world, there was sun and warmth in the weather AND in the home, and our family and a PMA on my end.

The deadline definitely helped ME. It may have helped US, but I think it was more indirect.

Despite the above deadline, I still struggled mightily with so much LIMBO...but I read this and it helped me.

It is the "STOCKDALE PARADOX",
(From the naval officer POW in Vietnam, who survived better than most)
and which relates to this question of timelines and attitudes.

When asked about mental attitudes to adversity and which POWs failed and who did not, b/c some of the 'optimists' failed/died.

They'd pin ALL their hopes on "out by Christmas, or Easter, or July 4, and they'd get their expectations up and when those were dashed, they'd crumble.

So how can you stay "positive" but without setting yourself up for failure?

Stockdale then added:

This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be."

Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.

My own experience with it, or to put another way, is this:

When Gilda Radner awaited the biopsy results from her cancer surgery, she wrote that she wondered if the results would mean that the following year,
she and her husband Gene Wilder would again try for a child,

OR - if she'd be dead from cancer, OR — still fighting it.

She said "we all live with some ambiguity; cancer just serves to highlight that. I need to Learn to EMBRACE THE AMBIGUITY"...
and it stuck with me. It's not fun to be unsure if you'll still be m next year.
But in reality, tomorrow is promised to no one; and none of us KNOWS that our spouse will always be here for us.

So we find solace in our faith in God, and or ourselves and or our loved ones,

and we must come to realize that the universe is not a crummy place to be.

And we HAVE to create our own happiness. It does not land on our laps.

We & we alone are ( & were always), only responsible for our happiness.

Make sense?

[bluesgal]

Totally makes sense. Thank you so much, 25ymlc, for taking the time to share your experience and wisdom. It couldn't have come at a better time.

I have made the decision this week to be as happy as possible. I smile, have listened to some inspiring people on TV/CD and feel like I am taking control of 'me' again.

At the same time I'm choosing this path, H is more distant than ever. He's been gone for 2 weeks...I know, not very long. This is HUGE for my H. He shows no desire to come home. He barely engages me in simple conversation, and he has pulled away from friends/family more than ever.

He 'visits' the kids, but has become such a minimal part of their lives. I know he's incredibly unhappy, but chooses his empty life over the restoration of his family. So difficult for a healthy person to understand. I feel better when I am away from him.

25ymlc, thanks for continuing to help others after your M has been restored. You are a gem to those of us who are just starting down this confusing path. Thanks for taking our hands.

[melissag]

25ymlc, thanks for continuing to help others after your M has been restored. You are a gem to those of us who are just starting down this confusing path. Thanks for taking our hands.

x1,000.

Blues, I think you are doing really, really well. I might even say that I think that your H moving out has been a good thing for you.

I do want to let you know that having certainty doesn't feel any better than limbo. In fact, when I was in limbo (or thought I was in limbo), I had the time to try to detach, figure myself out, and slowly try to build a new life for myself, but with the (perhaps false) safety net of still being M and having hope. Now, I am just a spiraling mess again - BUT, I will say that what I accomplished in the few months of limbo that I had has helped me TREMENDOUSLY. (I know, it doesn't seem like it, but I am really FAR better off emotionally than I was 4 months ago.) Personally, I think that this is one case where getting in the icy water gradually is better than just jumping right in.

Don't worry now about when you will be ready to call it quits if your H doesn't shape up. Just keep moving forward and doing your thing. If you do get to the point where you are done, I think you will know it.

I think it's great that you have chosen to be happy . . . that's huge. Also, I love the smiling! I realized recently that while I talk to people in a chipper voice (like a cashier at the store, for example), I don't smile that much! Tonight I smiled at every random person I saw at Whole Foods and at yoga. Some of them looked at me like I was creepy but most of them smiled back. And . . . I remembered that one day a few weeks ago I was at Whole Foods, having a terrible, terrible day, and this woman caught my eye and gave me a big, broad smile. It seriously made my day, and I thought, "wow, it was like she somehow just knew that I needed that today." So, hey, even if many people think I am weird, how cool would it be to smile at that person who really needed it?

I know he's incredibly unhappy, but chooses his empty life over the restoration of his family.

I don't have any idea how anyone can ever understand this. It makes no sense. Please just remember this has nothing to do with you.

I'm sorry if I missed it, but where is your H staying now?

[bluesgal]

Hey M-

He's living at a (loser) friends house. In my H words, "sleeping in a cold and cluttered basement".

His anger and blame still rear their ugly heads even on a small scale nearly every time I am in contact with H, but we have a lot less tension than when he was in the home. Him being out of the home has made it so much easier for me to detach. But also sad that our sitch has reached this point. We just keep getting further and further apart and I see no light at the end of the tunnel as far as the future of my M.

[Wonka]

Blues,

Checking in on you, my dear.

MLCers disappear from your lives because they feel pressure and they need to get the f*ck away...AS FAR AS POSSIBLE. You need to be prepared that this will go on for months and months...possibly years. I've posted my MLC experience over in the MLC forum if you wish to read up some about it.

Keep up with your GAL activities and keeping the focus on the kids. They're helpful in detaching from the MLCer.

[labug]

Can you cut the convo off when he gets into his victim stuff? You don't have to subject yourself to that.

I think you're moving along nicely.

We sometimes think life should never hurt but it does. Accepting that and then being able to move on from it is such a healing thing.