melissa - gotta get back to me

[melissag]

First of all, let me just say that yesterday afternoon, especially after H sent me that text, I was in a horrible place. I was actually believing the things H was saying.

I posted here, and then, even though I felt like I wanted to just curl up into a ball and die, I forced myself to go out to get dinner and go to yoga.

Doing those things helped, but what really helped was seeing all your wonderful responses here. It changed everything for me, and helped snap me out of my funk.

So, THANK YOU.

When people talk about going dark for everything expect kid-related things, this is the reason why...

I get it now. Sometimes it makes sense in my head, but I need to see it in action to really get it. Kinda like a kid touching a hot stove I guess.

KG, I am sorry that you have gone through the same, with the online dating and the blame from your H.

The key is that you can CHOOSE to interpret it as "I don't want you, it's your fault" or you can choose to hear "I am unhappy with my life and am looking for my happiness."

I want to do this . . . but I kind of feel like I am cheating. Aren't I fooling myself if I think that? I mean, clearly my H is saying the former and not the latter, isn't he?

I'm having trouble reconciling listening to people when they talk, and not being codependent. So, for example, in this situation, if I choose to interpret what my H said as "this has nothing to do with me," aren't I invalidating his feelings and discounting what he is saying?

I feel we have A LOT in common and know exactly what you are going through. I spent over TWO YEARS spinning my wheels because I remained stuck, repeating like a broken record how hurt I was, how unfair this was, how selfish my H was...

I am so sorry that you had to endure that. It hasn't even been 5 months for me and I feel so beaten down and exhausted.

IN TIME, (at a minimum, 3-6 months) as you back off and STOP telling him when You feel hurt, which cannot make him feel relaxed at all around you, he will begin to see YOU and the m, more accurately.

I guess it takes more time . . . this weekend was the first time I have even mentioned being hurt by him since BD. I mean, I literally have not told him ANY of my feelings or that I was hurt during the M or now. And, I learned my lesson not to do that anymore.

What are you doing to show him that YOU are moving forward?

I'm not doing anything to show him, I'm just doing my thing without him, and I guess whatever he knows, he knows. He certainly knows that I don't sit around the house moping - and I guess the big things are that I went on vacation without him, had a Super Bowl party without him, had family photos taken without him.

What about being UPBEAT around him? Yeah, I know you said you did that. You believe it did not help you. But telling him when you feel hurt is achieving what?

You SAY you felt better getting it off your chest, but overall I don't see you feeling as if it was worth it. Not with the result being HIS continued cluelessness, combined with your goal of showing him that you are a woman only a fool would leave.

Telling him I feel hurt achieves nothing other than making me feel sh!ttier when I see that he doesn't care. I won't make that mistake again. It did feel better on Friday, telling him that I wanted him to take my kids' photos off of his dating profile - because no matter how he responded to that, at least I felt like I was sticking up for myself and my children. For a long time, I feel like I have been letting him just stomp all over me because I didn't want to upset him. That felt pretty bad. I think the issue is, I need to distinguish between standing up for myself and my kids, and letting him in on my hurt. The first is OK, the second only makes me feel more hurt, and H dig in his heels.

You can't move corward like this and there is nowhere to run back to. You are doing great for where you are. Youve vot to let H vl in order to stop hurting like this.

Paul, I think you drank too much of that homemade beer in the gatorade cooler last night . . . But I get what you are saying. I appreciate the support - I know we are in a similar place. If you figure out how to detach and let go, please let me know! I think that is the most frustrating part of all of this. I want to do this so badly but every time I think I have gained some ground, I get a sign from the universe (or more likely my H) that I am dead wrong.

Your husband is verbalizing the EXACT feelings I am seeing from my husband - that they feel somehow they were mis-treated/unappreciated by us and that now they are entitled to this wack behavior.

dxw, I am so sorry you are going through this same thing. I have not seen your thread but will look for it later today. I appreciate the support.

That, up there, was one of the things I thought about last night. I get it that my H was hurt in our M. And I am truly sorry for that. What I am not sure of is where he gets the idea that he is entitled to have the admiration of other women (ignoring for the moment that he could have gotten it from me), regardless of the effect it has on anyone else. And really I am thinking about our kids. I can't imagine putting my sexual ego above the needs of my children.